Hi all,
Last Friday morning on the way to work, I looked like much more of a moron than usual. How is that possible, some (okay, all) of you find yourselves wondering? Well, in order to explain, I first have to let you in on a dirty little secret: I listen to the local ESPN radio station during morning commutes. There. I said it. I'm not proud of this fact. But there you have it.
Anyway, on Friday morning they were doing blonde jokes (while I, on the other hand, was busy doing blonde women!). Callers could win a case of beer for the best jokes. Here are some of the better ones.
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Why did the blonde keep failing her driving test?
Every time the tester told her to park, she hopped into the backseat.
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Why did the blonde's house burn down?
When she called 911, and they asked her how to get there, she said, "Duh, in a fire truck!".
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A blonde gets on an airplane and - even though she only has a coach ticket - takes a seat in first-class.
It's a full flight, and the rightful owner of the first-class seat asks her to move.
The blonde says, "I'm a hot blonde, I always get everything I want, and I can sit wherever I please.".
So the stewardess is called. The blonde gives the same answer, and refuses to budge.
Finally, the Captain is summoned to the scene. He carefully assesses the situation, and then whispers something in the blonde's ear.
She promptly responds by quietly and calmly getting up and taking her assigned seat in coach.
Everyone is blown away. What did the Captain say to obtain her immediate compliance? Later on in private, the stewardess asks him.
The Captain says he simply told her that first-class wasn't going to Cincinnati.
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On opposite sides of a river stand a blonde and a brunettte.
The brunette shouts to the blonde, "How do you get to the other side?".
The blonde replies, "Duh, you're ALREADY there!".
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How does a blonde turn the light on after making love?
She opens the car door.
A group of blondes walks into a bar. They are high-fiving each other, chanting "Three years! Three years!".
During the next couple of hours, the boisterous group drinks champagne and periodically repeats the chant.
Intrigued, the barkeep comes over and asks them what they are celebrating.
One of the blondes joyfully explains how the group collaborated on and just completed a jigsaw puzzle.
The barkeep asks her why that's such a big deal, and cause for celebration.
To which, the blonde responds, "Duh, the box said "5 to 7 Years", and we did it in THREE.".
***
A blonde comes home from school and exclaims to her mom, "Today we were learning numbers, and I could count all the way to 20, while the rest of the class could barely make it to 10! Is that 'cuz I'm blonde? The mother says, "Sure, sweetie.".
The following day, the blonde comes home from school and exclaims to her mom, "Today we were learning our ABC's, and I could recite them all the way to "M", while the rest of the class could barely make it to "G"! Is that 'cuz I'm blonde? The mother says, "Sure, sweetie.".
The day after that, the blonde comes home from school and exclaims to her mom, "Today we were on the playground comparing our bodies, and mine was the curviest"! Is that 'cuz I'm blonde? The mother says, "No, sweetie, that's because you're 28".
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's preganant.
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Bonus Feature: Memorable Dan Quayle Quotes
I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
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I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.
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People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
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Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
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The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
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The future will be better tomorrow.
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We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
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We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
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We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
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Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
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What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
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When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
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[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
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Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
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Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
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I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
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Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
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Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year.
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The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
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Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
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We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
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We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
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For NASA, space is still a high priority.
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Public speaking is very easy.
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I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
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Geez, Quayle is an idiot. Does he ever think about what he says BEFORE he says it? - Yogi Berra
Geez, Pug is a doofus. Does he ever think about a post BEFORE he posts it? - Yogi Berra
I hoped you enjoyed these. I'm sure that some of you have more to share. I am sorry if I offended any natural blondes out there. Wait, who am I kidding? Natural blondes ... reading my blog? I should be so lucky. Just a warning, though. Anyone* (* females only this time, please) claiming to be a "natural" blonde will be required to submit to a physical exam in order to prove their status.
If THIS doesn't draw CrashTestComic out of hibernation, nothing will.
.
53 comments:
/bark bark bark
what do you call a smart blonde?
a golden retriever!
beware PW, some dumb blondes are actually dyed up brunettes!
/grrrr
Just think, if Quayle had ever been elected president, he'd still only be the second worst.
quayle was clearly the beta version of bush 43.
OK OK..I CAN HANDLE THE BLONDE JOKES..because I have heard them all my life yes...even since I was a towhead...which by the way..MEANS I am a natural blonde..and you'll just HAVE to take my word for it ;-)
What OFFENDS me however is you had the audacity to combine blonde jokes with DAN QUAYLE quotes...yes he is fair haired..but I always figured him for a red-head..please dear god, we'll take Jessica Simpson, Marilyn, EVEN Courtney Love and Anna Nicole....but THIS BLONDE doesn't want Dan Quayle in the CLUB... PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE
lol bird!!
/bark bark bark
leelee dont take gary busey!
/grrr
Ok...we won't take Gary Busey OR Nick Nolte.
Thanks k9 *woof*
I hope it does draw Crashtest Comic back with us.
Preface: I've had a few beers, which is rare for me on a weekday evening. So please factor THAT into the equation. Here goes ...
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k9 - Stealth Blonders! Why, I hadn't noticed. Thanks for the heads-up, friend. Otherwise I might've accidently slept with one. Wait. Is it too late to rescind my thanks? Damn you! That was MY planned evening ... and you blew it up!
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/t. - Don't worry. You'll have time for him to grow on you. Since it is predetermined that he shall win the '08 and '12 Presidential elections! Oh joy! We don't EVEN have to vote ... it just ... happens!
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Limpy - Painfully true. Clinton was horrible! Oh, pardon. I meant the asshole after Clinton (Clinton actually DESERVED the bl*wj*bs). {Obligitory Disclaimer: I was a BIG Clinton fan.}
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Bird - Unfortunately there are STILL an awful lot of dumbshits out there. So there *may* be a President "Jeb" in our near future. One not nearly as endearing and harmlessly homespun as the "Clampett" version.
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Leelee - It's poetic justice (for me), as I recently worked with a redhead who thought she was blonde. It's a rebuttal for an audience of one. Sorry. And you are one hot blonde, BTW. Just sayin'.
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Lamby - It may already be too late! I'm planning a post on Crash's disappearance. I sure hope he shows up soon, so I don't have to write it (I'm a lazy shit).
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Jmeped - In this case I like bare floors that I have to frequently re-finish. But if there IS carpeting, I prefer minimal padding. And don't EVEN get me started on the pros and cons of regular vacuuming.
hmmmmm...I like when you have beers on a weekday night...~blush~
Why do Blondes have bruises around their belly button?
Blonde men are dumb too.
Leelee - I can't say it was the beer talking, but it definitely goaded me into admitting it.
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Pud - It could've been me. I have notoriously bad aim with that thing when I've had a few.
I saw your updated front- listing Madonna's book as one of your favorites- ughhh!
If you want proof of my being a natural blonde- go over to Maydens Voyage photos.
The one of me in the park should be proof enough :)
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: "What, what?"
TOO FUNNY MAYDEN!!
FM - Actually I can't stand Madonna. But I wanted to have a "cute" blurb, and her disgusting book was one of the first that came to mind. I've never even seen it! Honest! (However, per your comment, I'm wondering if YOU have ... ?)
Your joke was stellar, BTW.
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Girlgoyle - Short memories? Only when it comes to women (calling them, birthdays, riciprocating for "acts" of kindness ... those sorts of things). My memory is somewhat unique because it is highly selective! Women seem to appreciate that about me.
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Bella - It's time for another installment of "Pug's True Confessions", I suppose. So here goes. I bury my juiciest stuff in my comments, so it pays(?) to pay attention.
If you don't know it by now, women are my kryptonite. Especially the ones that are allegedly "unattainable", like Bella for example.
I don't prefer any particular physical type. The most important attributes are personality and intellect.
Low maintenance is a must. They need to be similar to Chia Pets in their ability to thrive on neglect. But unlike Chia Pets, they must occasionally engage in basic grooming rituals (along with "engaging" in witty conversation and other, less publicly acceptable, activities with yours truly).
I used to be a sucker for redheads, but found them to be inherently* unstable (* instead of as a direct result of my actions, as is normally the case).
Certain blondes really do it for me. Others, not so much.
I'm probably more of a brunette enthusiast these days. If I spot a good-lookin' brunette with long, flowing hair in a store (for example, last Friday afternoon, there was one in a Lowe's Home Center with hair down to her shapely butt!), I WILL stalk her for a good 5-minutes before I regain my senses and head for checkout.
I also like a woman with a good sense of humor. Oh, and standards low enough for yours truly to appear on her radar screen!
That's what I want for XMAS.
Oops, commented twice. Removed one.
the box said "5 to 7 Years", and we did it in THREE."
I love it when blondes do math.
Pug-
Happy Thanksgiving :)
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Flic - Not when it affects me. For instance, they should not be in charge of traffic flow planning.
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FM - Hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful.
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Rev - Back at ya! Have an awesome Turkey Day.
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Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Thank you, pug. Happy Thanksgiving! Eat lots of turkey!
wow, you guys have all the fun politicians...
all we get is Creton I mean Chretien for a decade and now Harper. Clearly voting Canadians in Ontario lack a sense of humor.
Love the blonde jokes
I have one but its not really a blonde joke..
An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.
As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.
When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.
The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"
The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"
The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"
teeehehehe
Happy Turky Day!!!
Are brunettes smarter?
I forgot about Quayle. He makes Bush look like Einstein. Good old Republican IQ.
Happy Thanksgiving Pug et al!
Little Lamb - You too, lambykins.
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Mel - Wha? A sneaky, NON-peaceful Canadian? Why, it's your "alleged" non-threatening nature that is the only thing keeping us from invading (c'mon, we know you must have WMDs SOMEWHERE up there, what, with ALL of that land and free time...)!
Good joke, though.
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/t. - Take heed. The pistol IS in American pockets ... for now ... It was probably YOU on that subway car!
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Enemy - No. I suspect that general ignorance and acts of stupidity are equally dispersed throughout the human race. Once I'm able to obtain a government grant (after I purchase that book from "Ask Lesco!"!), for further research, I should have valuable statistics and colorful pie charts to bolster any argument that I decide to make.
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Leelee - Back at ya!
Danke for your words there hug-a-pug.. that was kind of hard to write. (I am of course speaking in reference to your comment on my place and not in regards to the joke left here. heh)
I like the joke I left tho, it's a favorite. Comeuppance my friend, comeuppance.
as for blonde jokes, well lets see here...
oh man, this has to be one of the best ones out there:
http://j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog/comments/blond_joke/
Mel - LOVED the joke, and I highly recommend it that everyone check it out. Good times.
/bark bark bark
thrives on neglect like a chia pet. i am sick, sick i tell you, in envy that those were not my words. grrrherherhaha that's one of my favorite all time PW's. right before the "pinchin out...whatever"
/grrrr
k9 - Thanks. Even a blind pug finds a bone once in awhile; or at least, once every few posts.
And why NOT get it out there in writing? Why should attorneys have all the fun? Why can't plain old folks (like us) set their expectations in writing?
That way the "lucky" gal knows (to a limited extent) what she's getting into.
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Bella - It WAS great! Hope yours was most excellent as well. Glad you're back.
/t. - This pug is forever in your debt. Not only is this a COOL link, but it also means that there will be no need for drilling and dissection. So back off, peeps!
That /t. is something else.
Lamby - That's because he's from someWHERE else. Let's agree to not just tolerate his diversity, but to CELEBRATE it as well.
I like the way you think pug.
Why thank you Lamby. You are swell as well.
Oh pug, I know you said not to box you in, but I'm going to put you in a boz and take you home with me. We can then blog together.
You know with you wanting to keep your real life private, make me wonder more about you.
You could be soneone famous living in California, having a place at Malibu for the weekends just to get awway.
Maybe you have a household name.
Oh no, Lamby, you've discovered my horrible secret. What tipped you off? My disdain for Republicans? My penchant for Scientology? What will it take to keep you quiet about this? What if I promise to make you wife #6?
But wait a minute. What if you're just like that Annie character from "Misery"? What if you have evil plans to "hobble" me (if not physically, then perhaps emotionally), in order to keep me all to yourself? Projecting even further, what if my "art" has to be censored and approved by you, prior to release?
Hmmm, maybe I'm safer here in the compound with my Scientologist keepers ...
Bella - Geez, a simple "Thank you for applying. We are still in the process of evaluating candidates, and will keep your application on file for consideration." sure would've been a WAY more diplomatic kiss off. That's okay. I look way better in orange and blue, than red, anyway.
Bella - You've inspired me yet again! You are my muse. Is it any wonder why I relentlessly try to switch you back to AC?
This time, it's a book idea (/t., I'll need you to provide the illustrations {seriously /t. ... someday you and I need to collaborate on a book ... but I digress ...}).
The title will be: "Women Who Love Too Damned Much, and the Men Who Suffer as a Result".
The premise? Not that I need one, but think about it: if you throttled back the love a notch or two, then perhaps you WOULD be willing to "deceive me and to protect me from the horrible things in the world". A good woman should be a drug that numbs me(n) to the suffocating oppression of reality.
We could either go to counseling to work through these issues, or - better yet - you could simply purchase my book when it comes out, and heed its wisdom.
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/t. - Au contrare, mon friere. Sweet love is tough (to find, that is).
Oh, and BTW Bella, in reference to your earlier response, this is the first I've heard of 3-spares equating to 3-strikes.
Remind me that YOU are not allowed to keep score when we go bowling.
Bella glad you liked the joke grrl.
I posted it with a grain of salt, aware that my blonde roots are a stumbling block in figuring out how the hell to post one of those cool link thingies in the comments here.
meh.
Hey Puggy--> *waves*
Hi Mel.
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/t. - Good tip, my Canadian amigo.
pug, I see if I put you in a box, and take you home, you'll put up a fight. So you don't want to come home with me. Ok, I won't force you. You may not be happy being a captured pug. I'll have to keep you here, then and you can be happy and I'll admire you from afar.
/bark bark bark
ive got some book titles for you and /t:
"women who talk about relationships too much and their starving neglected dogs"
"women who run over the wolves"
"women are from venus, dogs are asking are you sirius?"
"stop with the loving and get to the feeding!"
"ptui on self help. 12 easy steps towards freedom"
"mr and mrs nappy ever after"
"she comes first, but you come often"
"meat makes the world go round: a guide book for the care of husbands, boyfriends and other poor sots"
"lose 20 pounds by bitching" *national best seller*
/howl
/bark bark bark
the blondes let us out!
/grrrr
or maybe it was the lambs who let the dogs out.
/bark bark bark
the lambs broke out with the dogs!
/grr
Lamby - You are sweet. Thanks.
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k9 - I am impressed by your titles. My favorites?
"women who talk about relationships too much and their starving neglected dogs"
"women are from venus, dogs are asking are you sirius?"
"ptui on self help. 12 easy steps towards freedom"
"mr and mrs nappy ever after"
"she comes first, but you come often"
"lose 20 pounds by bitching" *national best seller*
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Ones I'm not sure about:
"women who run over the wolves"
"meat makes the world go round: a guide book for the care of husbands, boyfriends and other poor sots"
"stop with the loving and get to the feeding!"
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/t. - You (and k9) seem to be exceptionally manic and upbeat today. I want in on your secret formula.
wow, thanks /t.
Now I can leave Pug anonymous links and shit like any other solicitor.
Sweet
alright my fun is done...
off to bed, I work again in 8hrs.
Mel - Oh crap. Now you've done it. You praised /t.
Lord, please forgive Mel, for she knows not what she's done.
I'm kidding, of course.
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Bella - Hey babe, not to split atoms, but I'm AC ! Let's get it "straight". You too, sexy.
/bark bark bark
i see...i've pitched it poorly.
okay. "women who run over the wolves."
its a screenplay...the sequel to misery and it stars annie. its the story of a brilliant sculptor, who's trapped in a pen. and has his paws hobbled when he fails to pinch a perfect pile.
/grrr
k9 - Well in that case I love it (except for the hobbling part).
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