Monday, November 27, 2006

Holiday Letter Writing

May God bless us, every one. Except for Lamby.

I'm kidding, of course. If anyone is deserving of God's blessing, it's Lamby. What, being Republican, and all.

Still kidding (except about Lamby being deserving).

But I digress.

Yes, unfortunately it is that time of year again. A time to empty your wallets so that they match your hearts. A time to stock up on booze as you anticipate the next invasion of humanoids whose DNA, alas, too closely resembles your own. A time to cruelly be reminded that brains don't always "run in the family". A time to curse Little Orphan Annie, Bruce Wayne, Oliver Twist and yes, even Tom Hanks' "Castaway" character, for their good fortune.

"Why so cynical, pug?" .... you may be wondering ... "What if you need a kidney (or liver) someday? After all, it's the circle of life. They drain you of it. Then help to extend it (and add to your guilt) via timely transplant.". Sorry gang, but for once I'm one step ahead of you. No family for the holidays means no need to drink heavily (okay, you caught me: no need to drink QUITE as heavily). Hence, no need for organ spares as a result.

But this post isn't about get-togethers with family (or even friends ... assuming any of you have REAL* [* bloggers don't count, since the reason most of us are here in the first place is because we're incapable of bonding with "real" people] ones). It's about AVOIDING (or better yet: REPELLING) them through the use of a time-tested pre-emptive measure: the "Holiday Letter".

My inspiration this time was an insert in last Saturday's paper, entitled "The List: A Manual For Holiday Shopping". Contained therein are several recipes* (* What? No "Reefer Brownies"? Bah! Humbug!), along with multiple articles chock full of great advice for Christmas-related tasks. And, to my surprise, there were a "few" advertisements as well. I have to give the Devil her due: it was extremely well-done. So much so, that I've read much of it already!

Anyhoo, one article in particular captured my interest. It addressed the sorely neglected topic of holiday form letters, and specifically: what NOT to include. But the problem I have is that their example featured a letter written by a ficticious* (* At least I HOPE they were ficticious, because these rich bastards went on 5-f*cking vacations and garnered 3-promotions between them during the past 12-months. Assh*les. At least I probably m*sturbated more. So stroke THIS, you jet setting, most-likely Hummer-owning, never use your brand new turn signal {so you KNOW that they work!], m*therf*ckers!) family.

But let's face it: most of us are middle-class (lower than that, for some of you) schmucks. Where is OUR "Holiday Letter" advice? Well, allow me. The following is my FICTICIOUS example form letter, with helpful criticism and advice in parathentheses.


Happy Holidays!

(Way too enthusiastic. They will know you've upped your Prozac dosage.)

What a year 2006 was for the Smith family! We had our share of tragedies and triumphs.

(No one cares about your triumphs.)

Our son Paul turned 24 in February, and despite being the target of frequent gang rapes, he is hopeful that, as a model prisoner, he will qualify for early release.

(Way too specific. Instead, consider this alternative: "Our son Paul turned 24 in February. He is very popular with his peers, and seems to be the center of attention wherever he goes. He is very focused on an early graduation.")

Our daughter Priscilla turned 18 in July and we are optimistic that DUI's and drug abuse are finally out of her system. After several months of house arrest, including the wearing of a tracking monitor on her ankle, and frequent visits from her parole officer, she is slowly returning to reality.

(Again, there's no need to get explicit. People have short attention spans, so you need to keep it equally short and sweet. Try reworking it as follows: "Our daughter Priscilla turned 18 in July and we are looking forward to new horizons for her. We love having her around the house. Our baby is growing up. She enjoys fashionable and functional jewelry, and her best friend (who we always set out an extra plate for) is a perfect role model and is like a daughter to us.")

Peter still is an Account Manager with Toilet Cozies, Inc., despite his subpar performance and sexual harassment of clients. His chronic alcoholism appears to be under control, and we're relieved that the latest paternity test was negative. We knew the bitch was lying.

(Keep it light. Perhaps it would read better as follows: "Peter's tenacity in Sales is as strong as ever. We admire his ability to thrive under the most adverse conditions. Things are looking up for him these days.")

Pam's addictions to painkillers and compulsion for engaging in extra-marital affairs finally seem to be in the past. She goes to treatment twice a week, and we drive her everywhere she needs to go. Though she continues to be withdrawn and unrepentent, we remain hopeful that divorce can be avoided.

(Consider a wee bit of wordsmithing, such as: "Pam is currently pushing herself in a new direction. She's really getting into her adult coursework, and we are happy just to be along for the ride. Her present routine leaves little free time for family interaction, but of course love means never having to say you're sorry. We have each other, and that's what matters.")

In October, Peter made some ill-advised bets and ran afoul of the mob. His arm was broken as a warning, and Pam was forced (back) into prostitution in order to pay off some of the debt. Since there is no way we can possibly repay those animals, we have no choice but to take it on the lam and find safe haven somewhere. So we may be out of touch for quite some time.

(How about: As fall approached we realized it was time to tighten our belts. But at the same time it dawned on us that we were overdue for some time away. As such, we are making plans for an extended sabbatical so that we can travel and spend quality time with our friends. For those of you that we don't get to see, rest assured that you are in our thoughts, and we will be in touch real soon!")

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


Peter, Pam, Paul and Priscilla


Happy Holidays, everybody!

I sincerely hope this exercise has been of value to you as you ruminate over your own holiday correspondence. And my apology if this form letter is precariously close to your own realities. All the best to you and yours this holiday season!



Pud said...

Thank gawd you posted this! This advice is going to come in handy while I am in Iraq and have to send out a mass "Merry Christmas" e-mail.

puerileuwaite said...

That's the spirit, Pud! Glad to be of service, cutie.

/t. said...

i want
for christmas
is advice from pug

thank you, pug bud, and...

we're all adapting nicely to our new circumstances here, we have each other and that's all that matters, so, all best of the season to you and yours!

/t. ++

Little Lamb said...

It's funny. We get those every year from people I don't even remember meeting. I keep meaning to read those, but somehow never ger around to reading them for some unknown reason.

leelee said...

Gosh, P....did I inadvertantly send you OUR family holiday latter last year?? I mean you copied it pracically verbatum except you changed the mnames...ooops...have I said too much??

Ha....really well done...gosh I hate those flippin'letters...I figure if we haven't spoken for a year..or more....niether of the parties are really interested in what the other is up too...right? Or have I jumped on the wagon of cynicism with you?

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

dont worry about the organs PW they'll be growin' on the back of lamby soon, so g'head and flip off the family just like mike vick! grrherhaha

almost as annoying as the form letter is the christmas card photo of the family in christmas regalia (please God somebody burn all those sweaters with the little snowmen on them) before a roaring fire, the stockings hanging above....

a few years back we made our own family portrait. it read merry christmas from our cars.....they were all pulled out, waxed and wearing santa caps.

that's right, were the selfish pricks that had no children. merry christmas!


K9 said...

/bark bark bark

btw, nice legs pud.


Bella Page said...

Good morning! I will return to somment on this. I just wanted you to know, that if you and I were to spend Xmas as a family unit ... you would have happy thoughts and write wonderful letters about your holiday to everyone.

puerileuwaite said...

.t/ - "we're all adapting nicely to our new circumstances here, we have each other and that's all that matters, so, all best of the season to you and yours!"

OMG, friend, I had no idea how bad things were up there. Sheesh, it's like "Twin Peaks - North". Hang in there! Oh, and try the pie along with the damned good coffee.


Lamby - We? We?! Please tell me you're schizophrenic (and confirm my suspicions). I'd hate to find out there's a poacher (other than /t.) in your pasture.


Leelee - I regret nothing. Except the ONE mistake I made in writing the letter. Can you guess what it was? Okay, I'll tell you: I forgot to write it in the 3rd person, for MAXIMUM annoyance.

I have a friend from childhood who sends me a holiday form letter every year, and it's always written in 3rd person format.

It makes me wonder if I could get away with sending him an explosive package with a card written likewise. That way it'll throw the authorities off: "Wait, hold on, it's NOT from this guy ... it's from a THIRD person referring to this guy. Oh, geez, this is gonna be a tough case to crack."


k9 - You're dead on. I HATE those f*cking pictures of families in their dorky sweaters.

My theory?

Truman Capote got it all wrong. The family's Christmas photo wound up in the mailbox of someone who'd been pushed to the edge from years of exposure to family XMAS sweater shots. Despite the additional trauma of having to travel to Kansas, the man felt he had to do something. I certainly do not condone this type of response, but I can understand the stress that can trigger it. Yet, no one ever blames the sweater manufacturers.

If you can find a suitable photo, send me one and I'll add it to THIS post (as long as I can't get sued!).


Bella - You said "unit". And I'm sure I would. Heck, I wouldn't even need a gift. I'd be happy just to play with an empty box.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Never mind. I DID write it in the 3rd person. Sorry. I'm just not myself today!

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

PW; it doesnt get more perfect than this! go pick it up and use it to post..guaranteed lawsuit free!

the christmas pug


puerileuwaite said...

Thanks k9. I knew I could count on you, buddy.

Little Lamb said...

I'll let you decide what I mean by "we." But keep in mind, you could be wrong.

Mel said...

now I know how to decifer all those cards I get.
It's like a secret decoder ring right here.


Love that sweater pug pic. Way better then any shit my mom tries to match us all up in every year.

leelee said...

Do I see a PUG in a fashionable holiday sweater?

I must admit..I am not a fan of those knitted wonders, but doesn't puggy look too cute for words..even a christmas sweater

Mel said...


Here's pug in his natural state. Oh wait, sorry... this is the actual footage.

oh and that sweater is proof that pug has a heart at christmas.


Mayden's Voyage said...

I was pretty sure you'd send a card with a little turd inside...

You wouldn't even have to sign it! We'd know it was from you! LOL~ I'm teasing...

I think it would be better to create a letter and cut it up like a puzzle that everyone had to put together in order to read it- but mix up pieces of one letter with another letter- so none of the puzzles would actually work-

And be sure to have scandalous stuff on one part- but then they'd never know how it all ended. :)
(umm- the writer in me is a scary thing :)

I hate to admit to how many times I've wondered who you actually are and if the people around you would be surprised by your blog.

My luck would be that you are actually my brother...and then nothing would surprise me at all-

Bella Page said...

I am thinking that you the thought of you taking off that sweater is keeping me up way to late at night ... I am having serious spelling issues lately!

Pug said...

Lamby - Okay, I'll take a guess. Your mom or sister lives with you. Am I right?


Mel - Thanks. But as much as I'd like to steal the credit, it was k9 who provided the picture. Ask your mom for a bunny costume with a trap door. We could have fun with that one.


Leelee - Cute yes, but would it pass the "crap on your carpet" test? Would it STILL be cute then?


FM - I love your puzzle letter idea. Every post and comment brings you closer to my way of thinking. By 2008, I'll have you voting for Democrats.

And no, I'm not your brother, but I would still enjoy giving you a noogie or two.

Yes, most people would be surprised by my blog, because only you lucky devils get consistent glimpses of the real me. This is the essence unmasked. So enjoy!

Thanks for wondering, and letting me know that you do. If made me smile.


Bella - You can be honest. It's my man boobs. They look hot in a sweater.

Pug said...

Mel - You took the time to find THREE different clips? SOMEBODY likes me! SOMEBODY likes me! Admit it, you WANT me ...

buckled said...

Dear Pug:
We are so sorry we haven't written lately, but we have been soooo busy what with all our toings and froings.
We admit we were somewhat surprised to see such uncharacteristic holiday greetings on your blog; we would normally expect much more irony from you. Good for you! We always appreciate the evolution of our friends in the U.S. of A.
Finally, all is going well for us up here in The Great White North (TM). Please be sure to visit us at your earliest convenience.
Yours sincerely,
P.S.: Lamby might be distraught, but congrats on finally letting the Democrats back into the game down there. Here's a suggestion: why not just go all West Side Story and just have singing, dancing, AND knife fights between your two political parties?
Like so:
RIFF: (Spoken) Against the Sharks we need every man we got.

ACTION: (Spoken) Tony don't belong any more.

RIFF: Cut it, Action boy. I and Tony started the Jets.

ACTION: Well, he acts like he don't wanna belong.

BABY JOHN: Who wouldn't wanna belong to the Jets!

ACTION: Tony ain't been with us for over a month.

SNOWBOY: What about the day we clobbered the Emeralds?

A-RAB: Which we couldn't have done without Tony.

BABY JOHN: He saved my ever-lovin' neck!

RIFF: Right! He's always come through for us and he will now.

When you're a Jet,
You're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Jet,
If the spit hits the fan,
You got brothers around,
You're a family man!

You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When company's expected,
You're well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital J,
Which you'll never forget
Till they cart you away.
When you're a Jet,
You stay a Jet!

(Spoken) I know Tony like I know me. I guarantee you can count him in.

ACTION: In, out, let's get crackin'.

A-RAB: Where you gonna find Bernardo?

RIFF: At the dance tonight at the gym.

BIG DEAL: But the gym's neutral territory.

RIFF: (Innocently) I'm gonna make nice there! I'm only gonna challenge him.

A-RAB: Great, Daddy-O!

RIFF: So everybody dress up sweet and sharp.

ALL (Sing)
Oh, when the Jets fall in at the cornball dance,
We'll be the sweetest dressin' gang in pants!
And when the chicks dig us in our Jet black ties,
They're gonna flip, gonna flop, gonna drop like flies!

RIFF: (Spoken) Hey. Cool. Easy. Sweet. Meet Tony and me at ten. And walk tall!

A-RAB: We always walk tall!

BABY JOHN: We're Jets!

ACTION: The greatest!

When you're a Jet,
You're the top cat in town,
You're the gold medal kid
With the heavyweight crown!

When you're a Jet,
You're the swingin'est thing:
Little boy, you're a man;
Little man, you're a king!

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken!

Here come the Jets
Like a bat out of hell.
Someone gets in our way,
Someone don't feel so well!

Here come the Jets:
Little world, step aside!
Better go underground,
Better run, better hide!

We're drawin' the line,
So keep your noses hidden!
We're hangin' a sign,
Says "Visitors forbidden"
And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the Jets,
Yeah! And we're gonna beat
Ev'ry last buggin' gang
On the whole buggin' street!
On the whole!

And then:

Puerto Rico,
You lovely island . . .
Island of tropical breezes.
Always the pineapples growing,
Always the coffee blossoms blowing . . .

Puerto Rico . . .
You ugly island . . .
Island of tropic diseases.
Always the hurricanes blowing,
Always the population growing . . .
And the money owing,
And the babies crying,
And the bullets flying.
I like the island Manhattan.
Smoke on your pipe and put that in!

I like to be in America!
O.K. by me in America!
Ev'rything free in America
For a small fee in America!

I like the city of San Juan.

I know a boat you can get on.

Hundreds of flowers in full bloom.

Hundreds of people in each room!

Automobile in America,
Chromium steel in America,
Wire-spoke wheel in America,
Very big deal in America!

I'll drive a Buick through San Juan.

If there's a road you can drive on.

I'll give my cousins a free ride.

How you get all of them inside?

Immigrant goes to America,
Many hellos in America;
Nobody knows in America
Puerto Rico's in America!

I'll bring a T.V. to San Juan.

If there a current to turn on!

I'll give them new washing machine.

What have they got there to keep clean?

I like the shores of America!
Comfort is yours in America!
Knobs on the doors in America,
Wall-to-wall floors in America!

When I will go back to San Juan.

When you will shut up and get gone?

Everyone there will give big cheer!

Everyone there will have moved here!"

Waddya think?

leelee said...

P - I think I could handle the crap on the long as it was your pug and your rug...

Mel - Those were adorable...I really enjoyed the Homeless brought a tear to my eye..almost.. Thanks!!

Pug said...

Buckled - Love the splashy comment. But I thought the Jets ceased to be after they left Winnipeg (can't say I blame them ... WINNIPEG? ... WTF?). Do you have any musical with Coyotes in it? After all, I AM in "The Great Southwest".

As far as gang involvement goes, I'm not very good with a knife, but I can sing and dance a little.

Welcome back, my friend. I'm glad that you've decided to keep the blog going. I'll stop by (let's all pay doggerelblogger a visit and say "howdy!").


Leelee - So ... disappointing. I thought you were invested in this relationship. Is that the way it's gonna be? "Yours and mine" instead of "ours"?

Well that might be the way they do it in Jersey, but here in "The Great Southwest", we're in it together. Every day we make time to listen to "We Too Are One" by "The Eurythmics" just to ensure we're all rowing in the same direction.

leelee said...

Pug, what can I say...except...I don't feel I have YOUR full how can I take on your Pug and your rug too?

And what to do about my pesky family...what with the holidays and all...I just don't see it happening, it will have to remain yours and mine dear P...perhaps in another life...another time.....~sigh~

Pud said...

Hey~how do you politely say that Grampa has been eating too much cranberry sauce again and is now staring thru the neighbors windows late at night?

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Well if that's the way it has to be, then I'm movin' on to Pud. Perhaps I can get her to commit before she leaves for Iraq.


Pud - Might I suggest 2-methods:

1) "Gramps, come over here. I want to show you my blog."


2) "Gramps, you'll have to wear pants if you want to stand in front of the window."

Hope this helped, sexy.

jmeped said...

I love your sweater! My fluffinator has one with a christmas tree and bells. One day I suspect she will eat my face off in my sleep. Love the post, and thanks now that my potential DNA sharer is almost gone. WHERE were you two weeks ago!? How should I word in my letter that I hate you all, and I've gone to find my real family?

DykesDog said...

Is that sweater flame retardant? I don't want you getting overheated.

Do they come in a size 1000 XXX?

Mel said...

Silly Pug,
I found Leelee 3 links (and uhm technically they're all one site so...)

oh wait. Sorry. I do believe my response was supposed to be:

Yes, take me now!!

leelee said...

Thanks Mel!


puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped - Along with missing your daily presence, I'v also missed anecdotes about the Fluffinator.

How 'bout borrowing from my post letter and mentioning that you'll "be taking some time away to recharge, and will be out of touch for awhile".

In other words, the same crap you pulled on us! ;-)


DD - I'm lucky if the materials it was made from aren't hazardous. With my luck, they probably got it off of a cadaver. That along with my usual hotness is why I prefer to go "au naturale". Plus it saves valuable time when one of you ladies pay me a visit.


Mel - Congrats on the sucessful completion of Step-1: ADMITTING you have an addiction. Now let do something about the swelling.

jmeped said...

"time to recharge" is only available to those mentioned as the only "friends" I have, other wise know as you people. In the real world they HOVER and ask questions. I think I'll make you a sweater for boy dogs. You don't want to get beat up at the dog park now do you?

limpy99 said...

I think Pam and Peter live next door to me. last year when we took down our Xmas tree I laid it out on the floor, then had the wife take a picture of me strangling our son for knocking it over. Guess what our card is this year?

RevRee said...

Honey, I'm home!!!

GirlGoyle said...

Well the picture of the pug in a sweater was enough to brighten my day! Interesting post as usual. I wonder if any of it was reflective of your family - we all have skeletons in the closet and drunk uncles at the holiday table. Though I have to admit that what makes me wonder more is...people actually still write holiday letters?? Sheesh that makes me feel even more like a loser seeing that I never even receive holiday cards!! Can you say looooooooser. Eh.

Have a safe holiday!

Bella Page said...

There's a foot of snow outside my door. I need a warm sweater ... a nice bottle of wine ... I was going to write my Christmas letter, but can't think of anything creative enough to really shock the family this year ...

Bella Page said...

Just know that you are never far from my mind. I don't care if you show me your softer side.

I hope you are well and I wish you peace my friend.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped - Thanks for the sweater offer. I never turn down free shag, er, swag. Not to worry about my safety though. We pugs are the pirahnas of the canine world. Grrrrrrrr!


Limpy - I like the way you think, cowboy. The XMAS picture is an excellent idea. It'd be cool to see it, if you could post it (obscuring faces, of course, so that the CPS (Child Protective Services) folks don't get over-zealous).


Rev - Always good to see you. Hope things are going well!


Girlgoyle - Thank you for the kind words. I am glad that the picture (courtesy of my friend k9) brightened you day. We pugs are cute.

And no. I'm happy to report that the family depicted in the letter IS not anything like mine. Not to say we don't have the occasional alcoholic or eccentric, though. Every family seems to have at least one of each.

I usually get one hoiday letter per XMAS. Count your blessings if you don't. I think their generic formality is insulting and irritating. If you care enough to send a card, take the time to jot off a quick, PERSONAL paragraph or two, Emily Post. Oh, and you're definitely NOT a loser, babe,


Bella - As always, THANKS. You're THE best.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Did you ever get a magnet?
(Lady of Perpetual Blogging- K9's August 18th post)

Your pic is on my fridge- do you realize that? Right up there with the kids, nephews, a few cows, and most of the letters of the alphabet-
Pug- we are practically family! :)

Merry Christmas! :)

/t. said...

how's it going?

- Mac Secret Agent

puerileuwaite said...

FM - No, I didn't get one. But that's okay, since I don't own anything metal that I can stick it on. The picture itself works for me, since I can use it with my screensaver.

Oh, and I like that we're practically family. I'm assuming I'll be able to enjoy the customary perks, such as being over for dinner on the holidays, and borrowing money. Thanks! Merry Christmas to you, FM.


/t. - Say it ain't so. It's obvious that you've turned to steroids in order to inflate your appeal. But is it worth the damage to your health, and the resulting ineligibilty for the Blogger Hall of Fame? Besides, you won't age well, and in a few years you will look just like Dr. Smith from the original "Lost In Space" TV series. Just say no.

(p.s. - Secret Agents aren't - for some reason -supposed to let people know that they're Secret Agents.)

/t. said...


you're right --
buying cheap drugs online
just isn't worth it in the end

tho i must say that skin is now wonderfully soft and supple

thanks, too, for the secret agent tip

- NOT Mac Secret Agent

puerileuwaite said...

Whew! We dodged a bullet there, my stealthy (and ... strangely enough, handsome to many women) friend.

As long as none of the bad guys read your previous comment, your secret identity should remain safely intact.

Bella Page said...

Dear Puggles,

Yesterday I became a victim of the "Spirit of the Holidays".

I went shopping and spent way too much money.

But that wasn't really the bad part of the day.

Turns out everyone that I was shopping with had to sit on Santa's lap. Not only that but we had to get a picture taken with him.

It was a rather disturbing experience. I think he was much happier about the event than I was.

I hate friggen Christmas ...


puerileuwaite said...

Bella - This is why I had to give up drinking.

Just kidding! I still drink (in moderation, of course). Scared you, didn't I?

But I DID have to give up the group I used to drink with. Sitting on Santa's lap is just a small fraction of the shit they were into.

I'm so glad to have found "normal" "friends" here in the wonderful world of blogging. Love* back at ya, babe.

(*the clean kind where no exchange of cash or begging is required, unless we both decide that's what WE want)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Best to you too, my guy.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Thanks.

Bella Page said...

I hope you have a good Monday on teh Christmas slave chain gang! I bet they play Christmas tunes and plan office parties with ya! Ewwwwww

puerileuwaite said...

Bella - Not hardly. Thank God. But I DO get to deal with very delightful (and understanding) clients. Just like a prostitute.

Little Lamb said...

puggy, I shouldn't ask you this or pester you about this...but I'm going to. What the heck. Oh maybe not...All right I will ask.

When are you going to do a new post?

It's ok if you say, Lamby, when I come up with something.

So, pug when?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Thanks for caring enough to ask. I've got my hands full dealing with other things right now. As I'm going through a bit of burn-out, I'm lucky to just be able to comment here and there. I want to get back to posting, and have a few ideas, but have little time or energy to do a proper post at present. Hopefully tomorrow ...

So. do you look hot in a skirt?

/t. said...

sure, pug --
she's hot even in
an orange wool sweater!

the real shocker, though, was this revelation by her in the six weird things post at mo'po

"I don't wear pants..."
[sharon stone flashes across /t.'s mind]
before she finished
"...or jeans. I wear skirts."

who knew?!?


puerileuwaite said...

Well in that case, I DEFINITELY would enjoy watching her jump rope. It would even make my own heart skip a beat. I no longer can separate Lamby from other erotic thoughts. Up with miniskirts!

Little Lamb said...

Busy, busy, busy. Such is life, pug. It happens.

Don't know if I look hot in a skirt or not. You can imagine that I do. I may look hot in a skirt.

Little Lamb said...

You better check out what's going on at Codepo() with the comments. I don't want to gossip but...

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - What kind of skirts do you wear? I need more detail if I'm to be accurate in my chasing.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

that would be the paste eaters uniform. plaid.


puerileuwaite said...

k9 - Well in that case, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are right. I suppose Catholic school girls DO rule. And as long as paste doesn't lead to "other" substances, I guess I'm okay with it.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

paste eating helps food stick to your ribs and allows for better uptake of the "other".. however psyllium husks may be required post paste for authentic religious experiences


/t. said...

i want
for christmas



Little Lamb said...

sometimes I think my skirts are too short when I sit down

puerileuwaite said...

k9 - I have a feelin' that Lamby is way ahead of us on the "uptake".


/t. - Okay, if that's all that you want. I'm sure I can return the Rolex.


Lamby - Just leave the thinking to us. Have we let you down yet with that approach? WE'LL let you know when your skirts are too short (We'll shout out, "Hey is THAT Willie Nelson?!". That will be our discrete code phrase, my little Q-Tip of Passion).

Little Lamb said...

Anything you say, pug. ;)

Bella Page said...

I saw Santa trying to use a pick up line ... sounded like one of yours?!

That's Hawt!

Little Lamb said...

pug, I like the pug in the Christmas sweater. It looks cute.

leelee said... are too funny!

puerileuwaite said...

Bella - That was good stuff. Thank God I only have to compete with him for one month out of every year. Otherwise I'd never get any "presents".


Lamby - Do you think my sweater's too short? Can you see too much of my naughty bits? I'd tell you ...


Leelee - Well, good morning, sunshine!

leelee said...

good afternoon puggy dahling! Thanks for the morning giggle.

/t. said...


leelee mornings?!?



Little Lamb said...

No, pug, you can't see a lot of naughty bits in the sweater picture. Well, maybe a little.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - That's why they pay me. Oh, wait. They don't. Bastards!


/t. - Gigging at night, giggling married women in the AM. Such is the life for us Blog Stars.


Lamby - Leave it to you to actively look. What a perv!

Little Lamb said...

pug, you asked. I had to look. I had no choice in the matter.

/t. said...


admit it,
little lamb

you looked... and you liked what you saw!


puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Will you do WHATEVER I ask you to do?


/t. - That's because Lamby WANTS me. What has fur, thumbs, and is the object of Lamby's lust? *Makes gesture with both thumbs pointed at self* THIS pug!

Oh crap. I just realized we pugs don't have thumbs. Oh well. Maybe Lamby will be way too intoxicated with desire to notice ...

Little Lamb said...

/t. I did look. We'll leave it at that. I will say pug is cute and cuddly, and fun to hug.

Pug will I do whatever you ask me? Well now that depends on what you ask.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Since when did love become conditional? Was there a new release I was unaware of?

leelee said...

hi've been tagged

go to

Little Lamb said...

It depends pug.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - This is why you are my bestest blog bud. Did you know that you are the first one to ever tag me? You know what this means, don't you? Do I even have to utter the words? Okay, I will. It makes me your "Backup Husband". I gladly accept your tag, beautiful.


Lamby - I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me. Tell me the dependencies, so that I too may become your dependent (and later on ... who knows? perhaps a defendant ...).

leelee said...

Oh P....I am so flattered...words cannot express the joy and peace of mind I have knowing you are my back-up did I leave that' won't be long now Puggy!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I'm not sure which is more disturbing, your apparent willingness to "off" your husband, or your cruel use of sarcasm on yours truly (I suspect ... the later).

Either way, I take solace in the knowledge that soon we shall be together, and that my charm and unpredictability will captivate you to the extent that this poisoning will likely be a one-time offense (and therefore only a misdemeanor in the "Sunshine" state).

Stay tuned for my six weird thongs, er, things!

/t. said...


you have no idea
how thankful i am to not
have tagged you before now, pug

that you are finding favor with the lovely leelee -- i'm a little jealous...


leelee said...

Oh my, what a bit of wit, sarcasm and tagging can do for a girl's ego...of course I was being flip about offing my husband..It would never happen...and strangely I do find inner peace knowing that if something WERE to happen to him, you'd be there for "The Widda leelee"...ah P if the fates had only played our way...who knows...we might have been together for real...heck, a girl can dream can't she? (honestly no sarcasm here...oh have I said too much???)

/t, what could you possibly be jealous of??..all is fun in blogland..we're one big happy fun and frolicking family.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I hear that north of the border, toilet flushes swirl in the opposite direction. So who am I to judge?


Leelee - There is nothing flip about offing the hubby. It requires careful planning. Besides, as an addict of Cold Case Files, it would be MY dream to be on an episode: "Gee, Mr. Kurtis, I never thought Leelee would actually go through with it. But of course, she IS a Jersey Girl, so I should've known ...".

leelee said...

again with the jersey girl reference? What is it about jersey????

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Just teasin'. I was looking to diffuse the romantic tension after your "true confession" comment. I'm STILL blushing (and honored).

But no time to dwell on emotions ... I've got a U-Haul to pack! Fresh oranges, here I come!

And for the record, I LIKE New Jerseyans and New Yorkers. I get off on their frankness and speech patterns. Do you have the accent? Because that would be icing on the cake.

leelee said...

well P...I Do have an accent...born and raised 14 miles from Manhattan, how could I not? It's mellowed a bit after living in FLA for the last 15 years..but the moment I get off (awf) the plane at's as if I never left!!


puerileuwaite said...

Someday it'll be a kick to hear it.

leelee said...


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