Monday, July 09, 2007

Eight Weird Things



Hi everybody,

Though I've managed to avoid my share, this time I've been "tag-teamed" by no less than 3-bloggers (Gautami, Little Lamb, and Cathy) to do the same damned meme. And since it IS the easiest of my current post ideas to implement, here goes. I hope this brings the happiness at my expense that you so richly deserve.

***

Eight Weird Things About The Pug



1) I have an unhealthy obsession with the eSurance Gal.

Sure, I KNOW she's a friggin' cartoon, for Chrissakes. But she's a redhead, and not only a redhead, but a PINKish redhead (wink). And those green eyes are the clincher, because for me it's like a sexual Christmas with one big present under the tree. Actually in this warped holiday, her present IS my "tree". Have any of you paid serious attention to the way she darts her eyes as a form of exclamation, as she delivers each witty insurance-themed innuendo-strewn punchline? I can only imagine the joy in generating similar eye movement through pervertedly dissimilar activities.

I could see it now. She would say in her sexy voice, "That was SO good, Pug, SO dangerous, and perhaps even illegal in a couple of states. You are way better than Michael Hutchence of INXS at this, dead OR alive. Maybe eSurance should have a policy to cover ME when I'm with you".

Not only that, she seems like a constant go-getter. So I know I could enjoy an extended "post-claim-submittal" nap, secure in the knowledge that she would efficiently and athletically deal with any non-eSurance threats as they may arise.

***



2) I have the almost uncontrollable urge to punch out any "guy" wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

This is why I am forced to avoid childrens' Pizzaria establishments. That, and the unrelated restraining order.

***



3) In lumberyards, hardware and auto parts stores, I'm the one who always seems to get to the ONLY roving employee just seconds before you do.

Then I proceed to keep you waiting and ignored for the next 30-minutes or so, as I ask him to go into exhaustive detail about the fictional item that I am seeking. For instance, I don't just want to know in what bin I can find an outdoor faucet assembly. That would be too brisk and polite. No, I've done my homework, and have imagined a faucet that has yet to exist. I want to know the evolution of the faucet, debate the merits of existing product offerings, and riff about fixtures from other worlds.

Being the Bobby Kennedy of Hardware, I see employee and fellow shopper time-wasters as they never were, and ask "Why not?".

And while I'm at it, I want to enlist his immediate participation in the plumbing design for my dream home. Next, I will ask him where's he's from, in the hope that I am from the same area, and can tack on another 10-minutes discussing shared local experiences. Perhaps this is not so weird after all, and perhaps you have encountered a similar slightly-eccentric consumer in one of your own neighborhood mercantiles.

***



4) Jeez, I'm only up to four? Okay, here's another one. I get bored easily.

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5) Surprisingly enough, I actually believe there is WAY too much sexuality and crude language on television.

This is weird coming from me, I know. But it's true, with one glaring exception: I think Women's Figure Skating should be performed nude, except for the skimpy dress bottom. I know this may seem hypocritical, but I've always been fascinated by female body parts in cold environments. Wait, that reads back to me as "creepy". Of course, I mean "still alive" body parts still attached, and performing due to free-will, and not as a result of coertion on the Pug's part.

***



6) I find myself frequently wondering how penguins wound up in Antarctica in the first place.

My theory is that they are the souls of people who screwed up royally in their previous lives. In fact, one of my proposed religions is based on this premise. I just need a few Hollywood celebrities to provide backing. I even have a documentary in the works that matches specific penguins to their past personas. One is gay, introspective and resembles Jeffrey Dahmer; another is sadistically charming a la Ted Bundy. He even walks more exaggerated, as if he has a bum leg. I have footage of him pushing other penguins into the water and holding them under. And fess up: "Ed Gein the Penguin" has a nice ring to it.

***



7) I also am intrigued with the lady who plays "Mrs. Bob" in those Viagra commercials, and need to know if a perpetual "pocket rocket" available 24/7 would make her - or any woman - that happy in real life.

Let's face it, SO WHAT if she does look a lot like the mom from "That 70's Show"? Let us here and now admit what many employers already know: enthusiasm is usually the most desirable trait in a "temp".

***



8) For the life of me, I cannot figure out why Poker is on ESPN.

Sure, I like playing cards, smoking cigars, telling jokes and getting shit-faced. In that precise ascending order. But Poker is no more a sport than masturbation, and is often less gratifying, as - so I've been told - my "Poker face" pales in comparison to the other face when I have a good hand.

Hell, I'll even tolerate NASCAR as a "sport", due to the skills and extreme endurance required in maintaining it's circular motion. Even televised bowling arguably has it's merits. But Poker? And not even Strip Poker with the eSurance Gal, but a table of losers with no other means of "contributing to society"? It needs a Royal Flush from the airwaves.

***

Well that's it for this installment of "Eight Weird Things". I can only hope it was offensive and disappointing enough to discourage any future tags in this direction. Ciao for now, mon amis!

.

52 comments:

she said...

oh no you posted a photo from our card game!?? but but, you promised!
grherhaha

man that esurance girl is a bad ass fighter like a floating flying dagger girl. sure shes hot, but so 2 dimensional. i gave mr she a plastic hula girl once and the first thing he did was look up her dress. but, at least the hula was 3-D. goot got mon get a grip!!

then barbershop quartet performances are out of the question

what? no dancing with the stars photo? it makes ice skating look like a fashion show for hajibs.

im sure you can get some celebrities on board for your penguin faith: jack nicholson, and Burgess Meredith come to mind...

Especially Sucky Poker Night

CruiserMel said...

Ahhh, so you're that guy in the Home Depot. Thought so.

I've also pondered poker on ESPN. I guess it's strenuous to take a peek at the cards just in the frame of the cameras.

Pssst, don't tell anyone, but I'm the model they used for the esurance girl. Yeah - I oddly look like Japanese animation in real life. And the eye-darting - that's a tic.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Caught ya! You stole the Washington Monument phallic symbol from my blog!

/t. said...

dude,

you're
completely
*I*N*S*A*N*E*...

man, what an animal!

haha! good post :)

/t.

Pink said...

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(new post)

I heard it was 8 random things but given the pug, they were bound to be weird.

:)

cold body parts eh? you sick SOB!

puerileuwaite said...

She - C'mon now, aren't MOST women 2-dimensional? If even that.

And give me a little more time to get used to this latest version of Mr. She. It's proven more disturbing than when I thought YOU were he. Although I DO like the way he thinks and believe we may have a few things in common (remind me to share my "banned from Hawaiin luaus" story sometime). Maybe we can be good-natured rivals for you like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney in "The Girl Is Mine" video.

Barbershop Quartets are the only exception to the rule, BTW. Ever since "The Music Man". Just as long as they're singing.

I'll be on the lookout for "Dancing with the Stars" material to compliment my collection of celebrity sex tapes. Thanks for the lead.

Isn't Burgess Meredith already passed on? He may already be there in penguin form. And he'd be the most difficult one to spot, being the most natural at it.

***

Cruisermel - SOMEBODY has to be THAT guy. I just seem to have a knack for it. And this may seem sudden, but take me, I'm yours, eSurance Gal. For it seems we have a lot in common. I've been took that I look just like one of the Geico Cavemen. We can procreate and take out Double Indemnity clauses on each other.

***

Mighty D - Great minds think alike. Nothing inflates blog stats in the form of female visits like a healthy dose from the Washington Monument. I need to check your blog for a shot of the Eiffel Tower and/or Brazil's Sugerloaf Mountain that I can borrow.

***

/t. - I never looked at it that way. I always assumed I was the only sane one in an insane world. Maybe it's like that episode of "The Twilight Zone", where I'm the only cute (but slightly unbalanced) inhabitant, so they do a planet exchange with Earth.

***

Pinks - Well excuuuuse me! If you know of a BETTER way to produce hard nipples, I'd like to hear it.

puerileuwaite said...

Oops. Forgive the bad spelling and grammar. I'm in a hurry this AM.

leelee said...

WUNDERBAR!!

Love this post...I for one hope you get Tagged more often!

HUGS!!

PS: I had a "thing" for Speed Racer when I was a young girl...wait..I still do..

Go Speed Racer..GO! YUM!

leelee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gautami tripathy said...

I suppose I should have tagged for that country poem meme...:D

Maybe next time...

No, it did not discourage me at all.

Pink said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pink said...

I know of a better way.....


And I can completely understand your fascination with a PINKish redhead (wink back)
xx
pinks

she said...

would you settle for mrs. thurston howell the third?

limpy99 said...

The Esurance girl is named Erin. Which just makes her even hotter. I want to fight that guy she's always bailing out, just so I can take his place.

ESPN actually showed a "Rock, Paper, Scissors" tournament on TV this week. One guy was cheating. I'm not kidding.

RevRee said...

Try watching Couples Figure Skating...you'll to smoke after that...WOW!

I get kinda turned on just thinking about it...

Little Lamb said...

Thank you, Pug, I enjoyed that. Now if only the rest would participate...

Serena Joy said...

Made ME happy at your expense. These are all helpful tidbits to know about the care and feeding of pugs. Figure skating, huh?

kate said...

grrr... I wrote a long wonderfully entertaining comment that was deleted when my computer froze... I HATE that!

Anyway... the general Idea was that you are really a freak and I totally get ya! lol

Perhaps I will come back and try again to pontificate further! lol

Happy Tuesday Big Guy!

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I too was a Speed Racer fan. And I had more than a casual interest in his girlfriend Trixie. I figured if he was that much of a dumbass to not realize Racer X was his long-lost older brother, Trixie could be ripe for the taking.

***

Gautami - Just as I suspected. There's no end to the memes, or to my readers' appetites for more revelations of my disgusting quirks.

***

Pinks - You do? Well then, that's great news, because I just ran out of ice cubes.

***

She - Settle? Heck, I'd share a hammock with her even if she were penniless. After all, Thurston probably didn't call her "Lovie" for nothing.

***

Limpy - By remembering her name, you have proven yourself as a worthy adversary for her affections - minus the deductable of course.

Still, as I fondly remember the hockey commercial where she's a goalie, I will continue to think of ways to get in the crease.

And thanks for the reminder of the Rock, Paper, Scissors tourney. Hasn't ESPN also done Spelling Bees as well? What's next? The Rochambeau Challenge? (Actually THAT might be worth watching ...)

***

Rev - I can't bear to watch the couples. I think it has to do with the dismounts amidst the icy conditions and sharp blades.

***

Lamby - Forgive them. Not everyone can be the responsible Memer like yours truly.

***

Serena - Glad you liked it. Being a natural redhead, I suspected you would. Consider yourself a Certified Pug Handler after this lesson. And don't forget that figure skating is a cool activity for these hot summer days.

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - D'oh! I want to read what you originally wrote. Quit teasing the Pug!

puerileuwaite said...

BTW everyone, thanks for your patience. I know I've been way more lax than normal in my blogging, and especially in visiting your blogs. I'll try to catch up as best I can.

Serena Joy said...

So, like, I'm now qualified to handle you? Oooooo. It's very hot here, so I'm thinking of getting one of those poufy little skirts and hitting the ice tomorrow. I won't let you know if I end up busting my butt.:-)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Thanks to you, I now have tonight's fantasy material! And if you do get any bruises, I want to see the pictures.

Serena Joy said...

LOL. You're SO easy. You're a good pup, though, so okay, I'll show you the boo-boos.:-)

Pink said...

No worries Pugsy...I'll show you some time ;)
xx
pinks

Scary Monster said...

Wait a second. Iffin you wer tagged by three bloggers than you owe us another sixteen efficacious anecdotes, you rascally raconteur, you.

STOMP.

MyUtopia said...

LOL, you crack me up!

Enemy of the Republic said...

I think I tagged you too. Anyway, your point on the penguin situation is well taken. I have often pondered that, and remain befuddled. I appreciate your insights into this matter.

Good picture of George and Condi. May I steal it?

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - OF COURSE I'm easy. Why be difficult? By chance, is "boo-boo" a euphemism for anything else?

***

Pinks - Okay, I'll be holding you to it (in more ways than one).

***

Scary - No problemo, as my new motto (okay, so it's ALWAYS been my motto) is: "When I lie, I have an endless supply".

***

Myutopia - WELCOME! It's always great to see a new avatar in my comments section. Thanks for the kind words. I hope you come back often; I will stop by and say hi later on today.

***

Enemy - I think I owe you on a different tag. I'll have to check my vast list of ignored "to-do's" to get a definitive ruling.

And of course you are welcome to anything here. Mi blog es su blog, senorita.

***

Hopefully tonight I can FINALLY catch up on my blog hopping. I miss reading YOUR stuff.

kate said...

lol... havent been called a tease in... ummm...

at least a week! hehehe

and about being lax with the blogging/commenting... no worries, thats what summer is for! lol (you are sitting on your porch in a rocker overlooking the lake, sipping lemonade... right?!)

RevRee said...

Everyday, I come to take a look at your blog. I don't always comment, as you know...but now, I can't help but confess...I continue to come here and I simply stare at that picture of George and Condi...

What does that mean?...

Serena Joy said...

A boo-boo can be anything you want it to be. It's not restricted to owwies.:-)

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - Why, that's EXACTLY where I am and what I'm doing. The only thing with lemonade is that you rent it. I should open a stand to sell the lemonade after I'm done with it. This could reduce my "Carbon Footprint".

***

Rev - Okay, since we're confessing ... I look at your avatar every day. But only for a few minutes at a time, separated by 2-hour intervals.

And I think your fascination with W and Condi means that you're probably also into the following:

1) Penguins;
2) Nuns;
3) Crockett and Tubbs;
4) Neopolitan Ice Cream, minus the Strawberry;
5) Lenny Kravitz;
6) Chess;
7) The Pug.
8) Getting freaky with The Pug, a nun, Burgess Merideth, Danny Devito, Crockett, Tubbs, and Lenny in a big hot tub filled with Neopolitan Ice Cream (minus the Strawberry) after you've "captured my Bishop" in an erotic game of Strip Chess.

***

Serena - Well in that case, "boo" should actually be a "yea"!

Little Lamb said...

Penguins are neat birds.

puerileuwaite said...

It is neat how they can and do balance their unhatched eggs on their feet. I tried to do that once when I had guests for breakfast, but I didn't fare so well. Now those folks refuse to eat over anymore.

Little Lamb said...

I wonder why Pug.

I like how penguins all huddle in the freezing cold and take turns being in the middle.

In a penguin movie, I think it was "March of the Penguins" they were all headed for the water. One stopped and took a deep breath as if to relish where he/she was. That one was going to savor the moment and did. As that one was jumping into the water another penguin was jumping in the water too. They both jumped in at the same time. It was cute.

puerileuwaite said...

You know, I haven't seen that movie yet. But I want to. However I did see a segment about penguins on the Animal Planet channel, depicting a similar poignant scene of the occasional pernguin pausing to reflect as the entire colony prepares to jump into the water "en masse".

Unfortunately they also had an underwater camera which simultaneously revealed a giant whale just under the surface with its mouth open in wait.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Actually, I've been thinking about this--only 8?

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - The rest of 'em are way too disturbing, and would warp my fellow bloggers beyond the point of no return* (* assuming some aren't past it already).

Pink said...

Pugsy - How many people do you normally have over for breakfast?

And did they come over for breakfast, or were they all still there from the night before?

Sounds like we need an invite to your next party over here in blogland.
xx
pinks

PS - I don't think I'll be having any eggs though. Maybe just some toe jam.

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - THOSE days (of the endless parties) are long gone, thank God. I am happy to report that breakfasts are actually more of an intimate affair, plus they are *usually* very hygenic.

:-)

tfg said...

Sure, I like playing cards, smoking cigars, telling jokes and getting shit-faced. In that precise ascending order. But Poker is no more a sport than masturbation, and is often less gratifying, as - so I've been told - my "Poker face" pales in comparison to the other face when I have a good hand.

Fucking brilliant.

GirlGoyle said...

I cannot agree with you more on the poker....i was hoping you'd give me insight. Yeah NASCAR is bad enough and Golf is close to torture. But if you catch yourself watching poker you might as well pinch yourself to make sure you are still alive.

puerileuwaite said...

TFG - Thanks. It was either that, or go with some variation of the classic yet time-worn "Poker in the front, liquor in the rear" line. I'm glad I trusted my instincts.

***

Girlgoyle - My point exactly. Although you didn't mention televised bowling, so this has me concerned.

Pink said...

In that case...I'll be over for breakfast - as soon as I get my invitation...ahem...must have been lost in the mail.

*sigh*

puerileuwaite said...

The "key", my dear Pinks, is to get an invite to dinner. And THEN stay over for breakfast. You should know these things about the Pug.

gautami tripathy said...

Do you need a map to my blog?

Pink said...

Lol Gautami!!

She knows how to kick pug butt!

Bet she gets an invite soon ;)

xx
pinks

Enemy of the Republic said...

I've been a bonified ass about answering my comments--you don't want to know why, but I am curious: you told me that you are NOT a pug. Well then, what the hell are you, bro? I saw the cutest pug today and told him: Oh, if only I were a dog, we'd dance the light fandango. He was a looker!

puerileuwaite said...

Gautami - To your credit, your blog forces me to think and tap deeper into my "abilities" (or lack thereof) than most, just to keep up. I enjoy reading your creations and being wickedly inspired by them. But I have to confess, I've been too drained to step my efforts up to your level of writing. Which is NOT right, because you've been here for me.

However while I'm being honest, my work demands have recently pushed me to the mental limit (usually it's just my fellow bloggers who are responsible for that phenomenon). And it's due to become even more difficult in the coming weeks.

As such, my commenting and posting have suffered. And I simply do NOT post or comment where I cannot meet my own (already low!) standards for inspired posting and commenting. Yours is not the only blog that I've been away from for awhile.

But I DO enjoy your company and your blog, and rest assured that I will be back to paying you regular visits. I am sincerely touched that you noticed my absence!

***

Pinks - Don't make me fly to London just to spank you for that remark. Because I just may have to do just that.

***

Enemy - I hope all is well. And you are ALWAYS welcome to use the "email back-channel" anytime you might need a Pug's shoulder. And in spirit I AM a Pug. Does that count?

Pink said...

promises promises...

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - You never know. I've been wanting to compare MY "Big Ben" to the original for some time now.