Eight Weird Things

Hi everybody,

Though I've managed to avoid my share, this time I've been "tag-teamed" by no less than 3-bloggers (Gautami, Little Lamb, and Cathy) to do the same damned meme. And since it IS the easiest of my current post ideas to implement, here goes. I hope this brings the happiness at my expense that you so richly deserve.

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Eight Weird Things About The Pug



1) I have an unhealthy obsession with the eSurance Gal.

Sure, I KNOW she's a friggin' cartoon, for Chrissakes. But she's a redhead, and not only a redhead, but a PINKish redhead (wink). And those green eyes are the clincher, because for me it's like a sexual Christmas with one big present under the tree. Actually in this warped holiday, her present IS my "tree". Have any of you paid serious attention to the way she darts her eyes as a form of exclamation, as she delivers each witty insurance-themed innuendo-strewn punchline? I can only imagine the joy in generating similar eye movement through pervertedly dissimilar activities.

I could see it now. She would say in her sexy voice, "That was SO good, Pug, SO dangerous, and perhaps even illegal in a couple of states. You are way better than Michael Hutchence of INXS at this, dead OR alive. Maybe eSurance should have a policy to cover ME when I'm with you".

Not only that, she seems like a constant go-getter. So I know I could enjoy an extended "post-claim-submittal" nap, secure in the knowledge that she would efficiently and athletically deal with any non-eSurance threats as they may arise.

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2) I have the almost uncontrollable urge to punch out any "guy" wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

This is why I am forced to avoid childrens' Pizzaria establishments. That, and the unrelated restraining order.

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3) In lumberyards, hardware and auto parts stores, I'm the one who always seems to get to the ONLY roving employee just seconds before you do.

Then I proceed to keep you waiting and ignored for the next 30-minutes or so, as I ask him to go into exhaustive detail about the fictional item that I am seeking. For instance, I don't just want to know in what bin I can find an outdoor faucet assembly. That would be too brisk and polite. No, I've done my homework, and have imagined a faucet that has yet to exist. I want to know the evolution of the faucet, debate the merits of existing product offerings, and riff about fixtures from other worlds.

Being the Bobby Kennedy of Hardware, I see employee and fellow shopper time-wasters as they never were, and ask "Why not?".

And while I'm at it, I want to enlist his immediate participation in the plumbing design for my dream home. Next, I will ask him where's he's from, in the hope that I am from the same area, and can tack on another 10-minutes discussing shared local experiences. Perhaps this is not so weird after all, and perhaps you have encountered a similar slightly-eccentric consumer in one of your own neighborhood mercantiles.

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4) Jeez, I'm only up to four? Okay, here's another one. I get bored easily.

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5) Surprisingly enough, I actually believe there is WAY too much sexuality and crude language on television.

This is weird coming from me, I know. But it's true, with one glaring exception: I think Women's Figure Skating should be performed nude, except for the skimpy dress bottom. I know this may seem hypocritical, but I've always been fascinated by female body parts in cold environments. Wait, that reads back to me as "creepy". Of course, I mean "still alive" body parts still attached, and performing due to free-will, and not as a result of coertion on the Pug's part.

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6) I find myself frequently wondering how penguins wound up in Antarctica in the first place.

My theory is that they are the souls of people who screwed up royally in their previous lives. In fact, one of my proposed religions is based on this premise. I just need a few Hollywood celebrities to provide backing. I even have a documentary in the works that matches specific penguins to their past personas. One is gay, introspective and resembles Jeffrey Dahmer; another is sadistically charming a la Ted Bundy. He even walks more exaggerated, as if he has a bum leg. I have footage of him pushing other penguins into the water and holding them under. And fess up: "Ed Gein the Penguin" has a nice ring to it.

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7) I also am intrigued with the lady who plays "Mrs. Bob" in those Viagra commercials, and need to know if a perpetual "pocket rocket" available 24/7 would make her - or any woman - that happy in real life.

Let's face it, SO WHAT if she does look a lot like the mom from "That 70's Show"? Let us here and now admit what many employers already know: enthusiasm is usually the most desirable trait in a "temp".

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8) For the life of me, I cannot figure out why Poker is on ESPN.

Sure, I like playing cards, smoking cigars, telling jokes and getting shit-faced. In that precise ascending order. But Poker is no more a sport than masturbation, and is often less gratifying, as - so I've been told - my "Poker face" pales in comparison to the other face when I have a good hand.

Hell, I'll even tolerate NASCAR as a "sport", due to the skills and extreme endurance required in maintaining it's circular motion. Even televised bowling arguably has it's merits. But Poker? And not even Strip Poker with the eSurance Gal, but a table of losers with no other means of "contributing to society"? It needs a Royal Flush from the airwaves.

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Well that's it for this installment of "Eight Weird Things". I can only hope it was offensive and disappointing enough to discourage any future tags in this direction. Ciao for now, mon amis!

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