An Interview with the Cruel Virgin - Question #2

Hi everybody,

Here is the next question in my 5-post interview with the Cruel Virgin (a.k.a. - Enemy of the Republic). (Holy crap! I can't believe I actually managed 2-posts within 2+ days. This series will be the death of me yet.)

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2. What is the most endearing feature about women? What is the most annoying?

Their most endearing feature is that every woman is a self-contained amusement park. And while, like their human counterparts, every female is unique* in some way (* not entirely unlike snow flakes, and equally capable of forming into ice ... but alas, that is a concept for another post), I do believe they all have this trait in common.



Sure, with some gals, the majority of the rides have been in a state of disrepair for quite some time. Maybe some of them never quite gave the thrill that the designer intended. But there they sit nonetheless, safely contained within those fading yellow safety lines painted onto the blacktop.

But before I get to some of the rides, let's cover a few of the other areas within the park.

We of course start out with the ticket office at the entrance. With most women, the steep price of emission, er, admission is a series of conversations that express and reinforce the concept of a more than passing interest in the female. Often a coupon is provided in the form of a meal over which some witty* (* optional) banter is exchanged. Upon admission, the male's hand is stamped in difficult to remove ink. Sometimes the ink is actually ultraviolent, er, ultraviolet in composition, and the male naively forgets that it is even there. But other amusement parks have the same UV light apparati, so employees of one know that you've been frequenting the competition.

Once inside the park, you will typically spot the administrative offices. Over there to your immediate left is the Nurses' station, which - though often taken for granted - will prove handy for the occasional boo-boo, associated swelling, and foreplay.

Next is the Security Office / Lost and Found. Chances are you will wind up there at some point; if you violate some rule (of which you were probably unaware) while on one of the rides, for instance. Or else you may become disoriented and lost, and may need to be re-educated on the layout.

Finally we have we have the combination Season Pass / Film Hut. Season Passes are available, but bear in mind that they ARE non-refundable and subject to cancellation if the usage policy is not closely adhered to. And while film and disposable cameras are available for purchase, both still and motion pictures can only be taken within the park subject to discretion of the management. This is primarily for marketing reasons, as way too many amateur photographs tend to wind up on the Internet. And the resulting often very unflattering images have been known to discourage visits from new patrons.



As we make our way into the park, we start to encounter various booths hawking cheesy souveniers. But as we are intoxicated with the promise of new experiences further inside, every "tchotchkie" has the potential for fleeting amusement. But remember: "caveat emptor". Today's cute "tchotchkie" is tomorrow's tasteless impulse purchase. So think twice before you buy that "invisible dog on a leash", or a hat that makes you look like a bigger* dork (* if even possible).

A few steps away are the cotton candy and junk food booths. These kiosks of decadence are the "perfume" that brings the sense of taste (or lack thereof) into the experience. Overindulge, and you will deal with the consequences the next morning.

We are almost at the rides, but have to walk past some of the booths that are also vying for your attention. Look to your right, and you'll see the one with all of the Pam-sprayed plates that you can vainly try landing quarters on for a prize. But in a twist on this perennial favorite, if you fail, you have to wash each plate and put it back in the cupboard. So you may want to avoid this attraction.

The next booth features a new spin on the classic "guess your weight" dealie. In this game, you have to guess the woman's weight. In order to win, you have to accurately predict - within 3-pounds - NOT WHAT YOU THINK SHE ACTUALLY WEIGHS - but rather, what the woman "envisions" as her ideal number. Easy, you say? All you have to do is guess extremely low? Not so fast, Amazing Carnac. Guess too low (more than 3-pounds negative), and she will KNOW you are a lying sack of shit. And that you think she's fat. This will certainly result in a visit to the Security Office that was mentioned earlier in the tour, and a possible suspension of your Season Pass.

Another ubiquitous park feature is the "You Know What You Did" booth. You only get three guesses, and there are no prizes even if you get it right on the first try (which, since the game is rigged, is impossible). So move on to the rides as soon as the booth employee becomes distracted.

Finally, we have arrived at the rides. All of the usual park staples are here: the vomit-inducing Jilt-O-Whirl, the Relationship Roller Coaster, and - a personal favorite - the Bumpin' Ugly Cars. And if you're into that sort of thing, there's a ride or two that involves swinging.

I recommend steering clear of rides that go in slow, tedious circles, such as the "Marry-Go-Round". Also avoid the Haunted House of Female Psychosis and the Hall of Ex-Boyfriends* (because it has mirrors that distort "Mr. Happy", making him look even smaller and shrivelled than he actually is).

Finally, the Tunnel of Love is intriguing, and on occasion you may be fortunate enough to get the V.I.P. pass that bypasses the velvet rope and affords access through the non-public access portal in the rear. But, alas, it is usually in the "Tomorrowland" section of the park. And THAT, my dear Enemy, is the most annoying feature.

Well that's it for Question #2. I hope you enjoyed your visit, and kept your attention inside the post at all times.



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