Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Lamb Tips: Don't Try Them at Home

Hi everybody,

I am currently working on and off on a new adventure. However, I was just over at my (very) dear Lamby's place catching up on her posts; and I was inspired to leave the following feedback to a recent one where she provided insightful helpful tips incorporating common household items. I thought I would share my own results after playing "Guinea Pug". Enjoy.

PEPPER

Everyone knows Clorox's catchy ditty about keeping clothes bright, but all you need is pepper. Add a teaspoon of pepper to the wash before you add in your clothes and it will keep the colors from fading.


The only problem is that I now sneeze constantly.

WHITE VINEGAR

Deodorant stains can ruin a perfectly good shirt. Save your whites by spraying white vinegar (no need to mix with water) onto the underarm areas. Then you can wash per usual.


I don't like to waste anything, so I poured the vinegar THROUGH the pit areas onto the big salad I had prepared for my guests. They didn't seem to enjoy the salad as much as usual. But I DID get positive comments on the shirt.

SHORTENING

For a natural solution to diaper rash, try coating the area with a thin layer of shortening. It will act as a moisturizer.


I tried this with my nephew, but his butt was a tough squeeze into the Crisco can. I barely got him out before having to use the Crisco to cook for some Blogger guests. There HAS GOT to be an easier way.

POTATOES

Too much to drink last night and now you have puffy eyes? Apply a thin slice of cold potato to your eyes and leave on for five minutes. Then splash with cool water, put on your makeup (or just some moisturizer -- this means you, too, guys!) and head to work!


Oops. So THAT explains the "shrinkage" when I placed a potato in my Speedo to impress the gals at the beach.

ORANGES

Don't you hate it when you have to start a fire and little bits of newspaper are flying everywhere? Next time, air-dry orange peels, which contain flammable oils that burn longer, and use those instead of the paper. The delicious smell is a bonus.

The only complication when I tried this, is that my house caught on fire. Unfortunately a nearby orange grove went ablaze at the same time, so the firemen couldn't follow the scent to my home.

OLIVE OIL

Does it seem like nothing is working for your bad skin? Use 4 tablespoons of salt and 3 tablespoons of olive oil to create a paste. Leave it on your face for 2 minutes and rinse with warm water. Then wash your face as normal. Use every day for a week and then cut back to 3 days a week and you should notice an improvement.

All this did was make my pizza face more "authentic". Thanks a lot.

MUSTARD

It may make you smell like a hot dog, but rubbing a thin layer of mustard over your chest and covering with a hot towel can relieve a stuffy head and chest.


They kicked me out of the ballpark when I tried this. Maybe I should've discretely used mustard PACKETS, instead of the huge pump-bottle at the hot dog stand.

MILK

Oh no! You forgot to put the cap on your pen and now there is ink seeping into your shirt. No worries -- just grab some milk and soak the area. Depending on the type of ink, this process can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 24 hours. Patience is a virtue.


This was a fun one, actually. The key is to find a lactating woman who is approximately the same shirt size, and have her wear the shirt bra-less for a day or so.

LEMONS

Dandruff can be an embarrassing health problem, but the special shampoo often smells yucky. Try massaging 2 tablespoons of lemon juice into your scalp and rinsing with warm water. Follow with a leave-in rinse of 1 teaspoon lemonjuice in 1 cup of warm water. Use this daily until your scalp is healed.


No thanks. Isn't it bad enough that I look like the dude on the "Lemonheads" box? I have to SMELL like him too?

FLOUR

You have an ant problem but are worried about the poisonous ant traps around your pets. Just sprinkle flour wherever you see ants entering the house and along the pantry shelves, since they are most likely after your food.


This is another bad idea. Don't you remember what happened to the bad guys in "Billy Jack" who poured flour onto the Native Americans in the Ice Cream Shoppe? They got their butts kicked by Billy Jack! What if there is a "Billy Jack" ant? No thanks.

EGGS

No time to hit the salon before your big event? Get your hair super shiny and conditioned with eggs! Take two beaten egg yolks and massage into hair. Start at the scalp and work in small sections. Then gather all of the hair in a shower cap, wrap in a warm towel and wait 30 minutes (you could cook the kids' dinner). Rinse with cool water and shampoo as usual.

I heard a rumor that this is how Benedict Arnold became forever associated with eggs.

CASTOR OIL

While most of us associate castor oil with constipation or childbirth, did you know it can also help get rid of pesky moles in your yard? Just mix a 1/2 cup of castor oil with two gallons of water and pour the mixture down the mole(s) hole(s). Don't worry, the solution is animal friendly and they will likely relocate.


Great. Now they're under my house, they're pissed, and I'm out of Castor Oil. What now?

BUTTER

A jewelry box can help you organize, but sometimes those thin-chained necklaces just want to get tangled and you can't stop them! Rub some butter into the knot and lay on a flat surface. Then take a sewing needle to untangle. When finished just run under hot water to rinse off the butter.


I also use these same techniques to untangle human knots. In fact, I wouldn't even attempt to use the Kama Sutra without a stick of butter close by.

BANANAS

Before you throw your banana peel in the compost pile, remove any stringy pulp and use the peel as a buffer. This works with silverware as well as leather shoes and leather furniture. Just rub the peel over the object and buff with a soft cloth. Be sure to test a small section of your furniture first!

I tried banana peels on my shoes, and the last time I went to the zoo, every monkey in the place tried to hump them.


Thank you for trying, Lamby. That is one reason among many why I think you are wonderful! And yes, I mean it.

.

50 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

Oh crap. I just wiped out my entire sidebar when I pasted in the code for the "Lamby" Playlist. D'oh! So unless someone knows of a nifty way of restoring it, I have some work ahead of me, to re-add the links back in and whatnot.

Little Lamb said...

I feel honored you would post this.

leelee said...

I liked these tips..and the clever comments made it that much more fun...you two make quite a good team!!

HUGS!! for pugs and Lambs too

:-)

Corn Dog said...

Whoa Pug. I hate it when the sidebar disappears. I keep a backup of my template on my hard drive because I am notorious with the highlight and delete.

I like your tips. They make more sense to me.

gautami tripathy said...

I have tried that olive oil/table salt bit. It truly works great.

So how have you been?

Little Lamb said...

And this is what I answer Puggy poo.

Thank you, Puggy, I try.

PEPPER - I sneeze too. Sometimes I don't need the pepper.

WHITE VINEGAR - Now I wonder what that could have tasted like?

SHORTENING - Did you try to bake him afterwards?

POTATOES - Oh Pug! You didn't!

OLIVE OIL - Oops!



ORANGES - I guess since your house burned down, you'll have to move in with me.

MUSTARD - Maybe.

MILK - I bet she liked your attention, too!

LEMONS - Sorry!

FLOUR - A Billy Jack ant would be no fun!

EGGS - I never knew that.

CASTOR OIL - You can come over and borrow some from me. I'll be sure to buy some since I know you're coming over.

BUTTER - comes in handy, doesn't it?

BANANAS - silly dog!

NYD said...

I believe that I will just incorporate all of the ingredients into one all purpose ointment which I will carry with me and distribute to cure the ills of the world.

leelee said...

LOL NYD!

Serena Joy said...

Re the missing sidebar, I had that happen a couple of times. The fix was to simply go into the template and break up the offending link where it reads too far to the right.

Re the potato and the Speedo -- um, you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT.:D

/t. said...

olive oil
is a great
potato lube

/t.

Pink said...

hey there pepper pants.

or is that lemon head?

I'd never ever call you pizza face.

But you've put me off of baked potatos forever.
xx
pinks

leelee said...

are Lamb Tips anythng like Sirloin Tips..but lamb?

Little Lamb said...

Yes, but they're not to be eaten.

limpy99 said...

"Then gather all of the hair in a shower cap, wrap in a warm towel and wait 30 minutes (you could cook the kids' dinner)."

Are you kidding??? I can barely get my kids to eat as it is, now you want me to cook them hair wrapped in a warm towel? What's worng with you!?

Scary Monster said...

Thar weren't nothing fer stompers foot and diarrhea of the mouth. Not to mention brain farts, hangnails, rectal impactions and Sunday morning hangover helper.

Really, Me be needin the truly impotent recipies fer livin the vida loca.

Stumble,
damn hangnail!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Everything I do, I do it for you. Okay, well maybe not everything. But most things, occasionally.

***

Leelee - Lamby and I are like peas and carrots. We're good for you, yet many people refuse to eat us. Wait. Bad example. Okay, we're more like Burns and Allen (now if only I could get Lamby to stop smoking those cigars).

***

Corn Dog - Back up? Please explain this foreign concept. Inquiring pugs want to know!

***

Gautami - I been okay. Doing much better now that I'm done trying all of Lamby's tips.

***

Lamby - The swelling from some of these tips should be gone any day now. As it turns out, not all swelling is the good kind.

***

NYD - Get the truck ready, and we'll hit the road. The hicks won't know what hit 'em!

***

Leelee - Agreed, but he's NO Scary Monster.

***

Serena - NO WONDER they looked so disgusted. Not quite the reaction I was hoping for. Maybe I need to try Venice Beach instead.

***

/t. - YOU'RE telling me! The fries turned out wonderful!

***

Pinks - Are you sure? I'm all set to show up on your doorstep half-baked.

***

Leelee - Not quite. The major difference is that both Lambs tips come pierced to seal in the freshness.

***

Lamby - Are you sure? I was going to dip each one in my special "Tzatziki Sauce" and do just that. Mmmm Mmmm Good!

***

Limpy - Aw, c'mon. If the family dines out enough, I guarantee they've had that dish somewhere.

***

Scary - I'm with you, pal. That's why I've had the foresight to stock up on excess inventory of "Aqua Dots", which are in convenient gel-cap form. They'll cure what ails ya, especially if what ails ya is a talkative gal who won't put out.

puerileuwaite said...

Okay, now that my sidebar is somewhat restored, I will be making the rounds to your dens of ill-repute sometime this weekend! Yay!

leelee said...

I miss you P...stop by..


HUGS!!

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I just did. Feels good to start making the rounds again.

Sassy Blondie said...

I don't have a witty comment. I'm creatively bankrupt these days...but hey, keep that potato in your pants there, Pugsley!

GirlGoyle said...

you give Martha Stewart a run for her money!

Pud said...

The egg tip is flooring me. I don't think I could scramble some eggs in my hair.

Corn Dog said...

Pug, whar are ya?

Pink said...

Are you still out there, puppy?
xx
pinks

she said...

what is your new adventure??

Corn Dog said...

I have put out an APB on a missing blogging Pug. Missing. Blogging. PUG. Whop. Whop. Whop. I'm putting out an Amber alert or a Puerileuwaite alert.

puerileuwaite said...

Sorry to go AWOL, everybody. I DO appreciate your patience and loyalty. Extra credit for the borderline stalkers (especially I've been fond of the emails!).

I am eager to resume my habit of posting barely digestible delights, and hope to get in a much more regular groove.

I also have my latest adventure written in my head with permanent marker, and just need to have 2-brain cells left at the end of a day to inflict it on you.

***

Sassy - Perfect! My moral bankruptcy should compliment your creative bankruptcy quite nicely, as creativity tends to thwart my evil schemes.

***

Girlgoyle - Wait. Martha Stewart has MONEY? I knew she was evil, but she led me to believe she was flat broke! (I need to start charging her more for my "services".)

***

Pud - But if you DON'T, then how can I come over with my spatula and give you the "Aunt Jemima Treatment"?

***

Corn Dog - I am here. In fact, I find that's always the case when I start to look.

***

Pinks - Yes. But it's cold, and I'm tired of playing Left Field.

***

She - It's not what you're thinking: it's not our "Evil Scheme" just yet. I'm still thinking about how to make it even MORE evil.

In the meantime, I have a new adventure planned, and it's one that will surely stir females into a frothy frenzy of orgasmic proportions.

Here's a hint in two words: "Military Aviation".

Try to stay fully clothed and partially upright until I can get to actually posting it!

***

Corn Dog - To heck with putting out an Amber Alert. If Amber is over 21, find out if she puts out, and then alert me.

;-)

Pink said...

Okay enough of this playing hard to get. Pug has a bitch thats keeping him busy. There is no other possible explanation.

I want photos.

Little Lamb said...

Personally I do think Puggy Poo does have a life. I also think he has a special someone in his life.

In fact, I'm telling. He used to post a lot more in the early days of blogging. He used to invite people out for ice cream. He's a pug, nuff said.

That's all I know. Honest.

Pink said...

Lambie - have you been out for ice cream with the pug? Is that what's keeping him busy?

You're a baaaaaaaaaaaad girl ;)

xx
pinks

Notebooks said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Notebook, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://notebooks-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

/t. said...

hello

this post is old

/t.

cathy said...

WHAT NO TIPS FOR HEMORRHOID SUFFERERS! Shame on you pug.

Anyway apparently filling a rubber glove with water and freezing it is a nifty way of giving yourself the finger when you've got a hot and bothersome bottom:)

Pink said...

ice cream helps too.

But don't tell the lamb that !!

:-o

I'm ageing here.

xx
pinks

Little Lamb said...

Pink, he won't take me out for ice cream. *sniff sniff*

NYD said...

Seems like I've read this before...

Scary Monster said...

stomp.

Pink said...

I'm seriously ageing waiting for the next pug post.

*sigh*

xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Photos would only allow you and I to cheat in recreating the positions.

***

Lamby - Someone special had nothing to do with it. I stopped taking prospects out for ice cream simply because I suddenly remembered the Ice Cream Shoppe scene from Billy Jack and was traumatized. So these days I encourage my dates to consume popsickles instead.

***

Pinks - I wish! But Lamby insists on having nothing that would cool her jets.

***

Notebooks - Thank you my possible Nazi-in-Hiding new friend from south of the border!

Normally people don't associate me and my by-products as "likeable". Perhaps this is where our 2-cultures diverge at their widest point.

***

/t. - At some point in history, someone probably said the same thing about wine and cheese. Now we know better.

***

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - Actually the potato ALSO works for hemorrhoids! You simply place one in your unmentionables next to the hemorrhoid. If the potato is still LARGER - trust me - you WILL sleep better at night.

I DO like your rubber glove idea, however, and plan to experiment with freezing it into forming the letter "C". Then I shall apply it to another area of occasional swelling.

***

Pinks - SO THAT'S where the chips in Mint Chocolate Chip REALLY come from!

***

Lamby - We have to wear clothing when we go out for it. I'll show you how to churn some preservative-free homemade stuff instead.

***

NYD - That's because Lamby may have plagiarized it originally. I promised not to tell, but the passage of time makes this Pug forget his promises.

***

Scary - You continue to inspire me! If you can come out of retirement (and thereby blatantly defy the court order) to comment, I can certainly find a way to post again.

***

Pinks - You need to find a way to stop the ageing process until I can doggy-paddle* (* because that's my "doggy-style" way of swimming) my way over there.

I also need a few months of dental hygiene neglect to "blend in" until we can both escape.

Maybe you can wrap yourself in polythene like that Pam chick, to hinder oxidation.

***

Okay, dammit! I AM going to get this new post out within the next couple of days! And, just like my current advertiser says: "This time I REALLY, REALLY mean it!

cathy said...

a popsicle would probably do the trick. might make your undies sticky though.

cathy said...

slices of raw potato are also said to cure headaches, Ocassional swelling can be discouraged by hitting the offending organ with a spoon...so I'm told.

Enemy of the Republic said...

i just voted in your poll--so many choices! I was tied between Hillary's secret (except that I don't think she cares for men--pugs may be an exception) and the Indigo Girls. But I shall not reveal my vote.


I am glad you venerate her Lambiness, who I adore. I too, haven't been blogging--but i shall return.

Enemy of the Republic said...

My son wants a dog--my husband insists we get a small one, so I suggested a pug. I met a pug recently--gosh he took to me, but he was also blind.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Okay, I wrote a post--nothing serious. The good stuff has to wait.

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - That's why I now offer Sugar-Free as a less-sticky alternative. Plus it attracts less ants.

Am I supposed to wash the spoon after I'm done? I have a dinner party planned, and need to brush up on the do's and don'ts.

***

Enemy - Maybe it's this time of year. Beware the Ides of March, I suppose. But now they are past, and I am still alive, but have yet to have a salad named after me. So there's pros and cons.

Pugs DO make great pets. If you do get one for your son, make SURE you get one with AKC papers from a trusted breeder (ESPECIALLY important for pugs, lest they have health problems). Also, get a male (IMHO they have more personality).

Yay on the new post! I shall be over in a little bit.

***

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Cristinajbuw said...

Are you still out there, puppy? xx pinks