Friday, September 15, 2006

By Special Request: Whole Lotta Led

Hi all,

Apparently I'm not posting frequently enough for some of you Internet-vultures. Why, just this morning, Jmeped sniped:


"Geez, I thought I was M.I.A. you live here and the posts are sparse. Do you need inspiration? Here I'll give you some topics; my new found love for Led Zeppelin, how your so in awe of my beauty, your fetish for live stock, and side show acts, Paris Hilton and all other celebutaunts, Global warming, the war in Iraq, and how one can survive on ice cream alone. Last but not least famous movie quotes from several movies that make up one new Pug production. By the way, I think you're incredibly sexy, and I want to pump out your babies like sugar peas from a pod".


Okay, Miss PERFECT!!! The same person, by the way, who DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING on her blog for hours upon hours, a couple of days ago. But I can't fault Jmeped's logic; or lack thereof. For all I know, she may have "accidentally" ingested a Peyote Button or hallucinogenic mushroom at that flower shop. Perhaps she surrendered to the temptation of the 99-cent "Don't ask what it is, or else you'll have to pay $1 more" tinfoil-wrapped botulism special. So in the interest of seeking to understand the other degenerate's point of view, I'll cut her some slack. And I'll also watch "Little Shop of Horrors" this weekend in my quest for enlightenment on her situation.

Psychedelic Mushrooms

Peyote Button

So here goes, a post dedicated to addressing at least one of the topics that my deer (get it?) Jmeped suggested.

But first off, let me say that I do NOT "LIVE" here. My blog and all of yours are nothing more than slightly urine soaked cardboard refrigerator boxes, conveniently strewn along the streets, underpasses and alleys along my daily route from morning's hope to late evening's despair. Momentary respites from sunlight and reality. So let's get that straight. I do have a life! I simply choose not to remove the plastic covers and taint it with grape juice spills, mysterious odors, bodily fluids, and wear and tear from constant use.

Example of a Cardboard Box

And no, I certainly don't need inspiration. I can live without it, thank you very much. But hey, if you're offering, then fine. I'll accept your topics with the same false gratitude that parents display when their kids bring home those hideous popsicle stick and macaroni noodle "creations" from school.

How do they pull it off? Do they rationalize that these "works of art" may someday serve utilitarian roles as emergency tongue depressors and macaroni dinners* (*If only the infamous Donner Party had the option of boiling their children's school projects into nourishing meals!)? Perhaps this is a reality parents everywhere are forced to accept as karmic punishment for breeding. One can only hope.

Your first suggested topic was Led Zeppelin. One of my favorite bands of all time. And Jmeped, anytime you're ready, I would love to recreate with you the "Fish/Groupie/Hotel Room" legend that is part of their mystique.

But I got to thinking that some of their songs make me wonder: What The F*ck?! In fact, here's a suggestion for posts that any one of you can write. Pick a song that makes you wonder: WTF?!, and write about WHY it does that to you. Here, let me do a few Zep tunes.

WTF?! 001 > "Baby, I'm Gonna Leave You"

What were these numb nuts thinking? You NEVER NEVER EVER tell a woman you're gonna leave her before you do it. Fools! Then they wonder why all of their shit is out in the front yard when they get home. Neighbors picking through it, dogs pissing on it. The better strategy of course is ... and I shouldn't write this for at least TWO reasons. One, you guys out there should already know this. Two, we don't want the women to know, as it defeats the purpose. Okay, I'm in a good mood today, so I'll tell you. Two words: Fake abduction. It's clean. It evokes sympathy instead of rage. And it's fun. The note writing is the best part. Here is an example.


Dear Pug's Girl,

We regret to inform you that we have kidnapped your Pug. Do not contact the police. We demand the entire contents of your bank accounts, along with all of his personal items, including electronics and associated media. You are to carefully wrap and place everything into a U-Haul trailer which you will then drive to the parking lot of the Gentlemen's Club on Mississippi Blvd. Leave the U-Haul at the rear of the lot, with the key tucked under the driver's seat. Then return home and wait for further instructions.

Warm regards,
The Mighty Terrorist Network*
(* A Mighty Dyckerson Subsidiary)


Then you dig up a cadaver, place it in the back of the emptied U-Haul, and burn everything beyond recognition.

Example of a U-Haul Truck

WTF?! 002 > "Over The Hills And Far Away"

The first problem I have with this song is the title. If something is over the hills, it's ALREADY far away, dumbass. And WTF were they thinking when they wrote: "you've got the love I need ... maybe, more than enough"? A surplus of love is a bad thing. It's like having way too much toilet paper in the house. If you've got boxes of Cottonelle stacked in various rooms, you better make damn sure your fire insurance is paid up. It's also like having way too many carbohydrates in your system, only way more sinister. All of the extra love has to go somewhere. And sure as shit, it becomes obsession, jealousy and eventually: hate. Love is optional anyway, so a deficit is okay, as long as you're gettin' "some". So consider yourself warned, and beware of those "more than enough" psychos.

Okay, let's do one more.

WTF?! 003 > "D'Yer Mak'er"

Surprisingly, I don't have an issue with the song's title. For those of you who don't already know, it's a cute play on words. Properly pronounced, it approximates the word "Jamaica". You can always spot a Zep newbie, because he/she will inevitably say "Die-er-Make-er", which is laughably incorrect and fodder for intense ridicule.

My problem with this tune is the way that it repeatedly reassures: "Oh oh oh oh, oh oh, you don't have to go". WTF?! Any self-respecting dude knows better than to encourage the female to stay. Unless he's in the remedial class, and still is trying to get her to do the "horizontal bop". So please indulge me, as I attempt to rework these lyrics to more accurately reflect reality.

"Oh oh oh oh, oh oh, I'm done with you, you know"
"Oh oh oh oh, oh oh, so I think it's time you go"
"Oh oh oh oh, oh oh, didn't know you were so slow"
"Oh oh oh oh, oh oh, I think your car is being towed"

So there you have it; my inaugural attempt at playing music critic. And a damned fine post topic that anyone can do anytime. I was finally able to add pictures, so I hope you enjoyed the additional flair. Have a great weekend, everybody!


/t. said...

thank you,
enlightened one

the zep
will never be the same again


puerileuwaite said...

Thanks /t. I'm not sure if they'll notice.

Little Lamb said...

My flirting was cute? Is that all you have to say about it? Thanks a lot! This does not encourage me.

Little Lamb said...

You're not going to flirt back?

/t. said...




Little Lamb said...

/t. I like you a lot.

DykesDog said...

"WTF?! 001 > "Baby, I'm Gonna Leave You" ... I just downloaded this song and sent it to a recent divorced brother of mine!!! How true, true, true ... just more wisdom from the wise Pugster!

Crashtest Comic said...

I HATE D'YER MAKER! It's not only the worst Led Zep song ever, but truly a sign of how bad commercial radio is.

If all you knew from Led Zep is what they played on FM radio, you'd think they wrote five songs.

Crashtest Comic said...

I detect an on-going romance between /t. & lamby-kins.

/t. said...

growled --
that's all --
i missed lunch --
the lamb misunderstood -- really, there's nothing more between us


puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - when it comes to flirting, you can't be a Wooly Bully. You are very cute, most of the time. 'Nuff said.

Dykesdog - To paraphrase from Homer Simpson:
"Rock Stars ... is there anything they can't teach us?".

Crash - Interestingly enough, I've read interviews where Zep members expressed their disdain for the song. John Bonham hated the "shuffle" drumming pattern, and John Paul Jones wished that the song be retired in a vault somewhere. Personally, I enjoy it, as I do almost every one of their tunes. I like to play the main riff on my electric guitar.

Crashtest Comic said...

Didn't know you played, Pug.

I have a 1968 Les Paul Deluxe (sunburst, grrrrrrrrrrrowl) that I haven't played on stage since 1996, (I think.)

I was in a band caled the Insonic Void, the worst band of all time.

Got laid though--if you could play Over the HIlls & Far Away in the park you were sure to get handie, at least.

puerileuwaite said...

Sweet guitar, Crash. I have a newer Les Paul Standard Cherry Sunburst, among other electrics and acoustics, drums, bass, amps, effects, etc.

You were born to perform, dude.

Crashtest Comic said...

See, that's the thing man--

I never felt like a MUSICIAN. I played some loud power chords and screamed into a mike--but stand-up's more my thing.

With stand-up you rely on yourself & an audience, not a bass player who had a pyschotic episode. Great bass player, but he heard voices of people who weren't there.

He used to think that when he masturbated the Russian guy living upstairs would pound the broom against the floor to get him to stop.

He also thought that the newspaper was talking about him, & people were strapping bombs under his (ex)girlfriend's car.

Sometime's it's hard to get a guy like that outta bed...much less on a stage.

Crashtest Comic said...

Cherry sunburt is a nice guitar--

Mighty Dyckerson said...

When are you and Jmeped going to have a hair-pulling catfight? And how many cameras should I bring??

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - Unreliable band members? I've never heard of such a thing.

Clown - You're just jealous because she likes me better.

Little Lamb said...

I think /t.does like ma and gets jealous of pug. If this is the case, /t. can have me.

RevRee said...

I'm 100% confused

Little Lamb said...

It's very simple, rev. I started flirting with pug a little bit and /t. got jealous. He won't admit it though. He likes me. He even confronted me on my blog about it. I decided /t. can have me if he wants, and in return I may or may not flirt with pug.

Little Lamb said...

I really don't understand what "Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night is all about.

/t. said...

Joy To The World

first verse

about a bootlegger named jeremiah

second verse

if the singer owned the titanic, he would screw his ass off

third verse

first draft of an ad for a new porno starring the comic

i love that song!


puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Why the confusion? The post or the comments?

Lamby - That's the spirit. I'll have to reacquaint myself with "Joy to the World's" lyrics and see if I can make sense of them.

/t. - I enjoyed your song analysis. And unfortunately I just KNOW I'll be stuck in a sleazy motel somewhere in the middle of Iowa watching that porno (for lack of any other entertainment).

DykesDog said...

Puggy, will what you did to Mighty Dycks breakfast make him gay?

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog, I sure hope so. Otherwise I just cornholed a straight clown, which is considered man-rape in some carnivals.

Little Lamb said...

Dyck is a clown in all senses of the word.

puerileuwaite said...

I'm about to turn in for the night, but I wanted to say hey there, Lamby!

Crashtest Comic said...

Mighty D. has penis envy.

Little Lamb said...

Hey there, Pug. I'm turning in for the night, too, after I make my blog rounds.

Crashtest Comic said...

you guys better check out my blog--i finally went freaking nuts.

RevRee said...

puerileuwaite, are you starting a dating service?

puerileuwaite, bringing lonely singles together, one blogger at a time!"

Crashtest Comic said...


puerileuwaite said...

Crash - I left my comment on your blog (which I will likely regret in the morning).

Rev - A dating service? Sure, why not? As long as it's clear that - unlike the "Hair Club For Men" commericals featuring Sy Sperling (now why the f*ck do I remember that schmuck's name?) - I am NOT a client. You people are all too friggin' wacky to contemplate mating with! Our offspring would be Centaurs! Or even worse: Republicans!

Little Lamb said...

And just what is wrong with a Republican?

RevRee said...

I'm a caramellow, not a Republican

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Absoutely nothing is wrong with being a Republican. Parties are like religions. There are excellent representatives, there are hypocrites, and there are also bad examples. In fairness to the Republicans, they've realized that Bush and his cronies must be marginalized.

This current Administration has proven time and again that they give a shit about the little people and personal liberties. IMHO, If Bush were held subject to the SAME level of scrutiny as some of us in our career aspirations, he would have been screened out of consideration.

The Democrats must realize the same thing in order for their party to become strong again. Ted Kennedy, Hillary, and other blights on the party need to be cast into obscure sectors of the party in order to restore the necessary level of public credibility.

I've been both a Democrat and a Republican. I ALWAYS vote for the PERSON, not the party. I don't think that EITHER party represents the best interests of the middle class, or of the entire country in general. On a personal basis, I've always done better financially with Democrats in power.

It's a sorry state of affairs when we have more choices in almost every other area of our lives, except in the process of choosing our next President. Perhaps if we can develop the same level of interest in government elections as we do for "American Idol", things will change for the better. Assuming of course that the candidates are charismatic, can dance, and sing.

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - You sound chewy. And delicious. You can be in my Party anytime.

Little Lamb said...

I think our next president will be a democrat. It seems to me when you have one party for eight years then we go to the next party. I have been paying attention to what Bush has done and is trying to do.

I will pay attention to what the next democrat president does, but it seems to me, that whoever is in office always gets critisized with whatever he chooses to do.

I agree with you when you said we should have more choices. I'm all for getting other parties elected. We need more people who are tired of the same two parties running all the time.

To bad we don't have that choice.

puerileuwaite said...

Well put, Lamby. I'm turning in now. Catch you tomorrow. Sleep tight.

Little Lamb said...

You too, sleep tight.

Pud said...

You are one damn funny pug!

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

what about "when the levee breaks"?.

when you play it backwards, it tells you that the US gummit is planning to submerge nawlins by sending a cat 4 hurricane over, thus wiping out 12% of demoncratic voters. this song was written by plant when he teleported himself into the future and landed aboard louis farrakans mothership where he channeled the insight into a song that millions took in as music without ever really looking deeply or thouroughly into the hidden message. sheeesh. weak minded rock consumers make me sick! sick i tell you!!!


GirlGoyle said...

OK...i'm going to rain on your parade here but whatever. First and foremost...the post was great as usual. Now I'm going to have to think up some of my own WTF lyrics. It's a good exercise I think. Like I'm having issues with "crazy bitch" - the song. I mean WTF u willing to hop into bed with her cuz she "rock" so good. U u like my pretty face, so you'll follow her home but then you get off on the scratches down your back, and even pay a night in full. Who is really crazy now? Shit, who does that for money when u can get it all for free - crazy man!

And by the guys should start a forum cuz 42 and counting comments...come on now. No wonder u have no time to post. And no offense PuerL but remember what u mentioned about Cooper (who vanished by the way) - well your little sheep there needs to get a grip.

puerileuwaite said...

Pud - Why thank you. And may I say in return that you are one sexy blogger. Let's Java naked sometime!

k9 - I love that song, but at the time I'd rather keep a lid on this theory, intensely plausible though it may be. It's just that I'm concerned about attracting wacko nutcases to my blog. Thank God THAT fate hasn't befallen me yet. ;-)

Girlgoyle - I loved your long and insightful comment! I always look forward to what you're going to say. I'll have to check out "Crazy Bitch" to experience the lyrics that you described. Thank God I haven't experienced the "real thing" in my life ... lately ... well, in the past week ... today, anyway ... since I've been at work ...

BTW, wouldn't a forum be yet another thing for me to keep track of?

What I think I should do instead is post more frequently, even if it means shorter posts. I like to allow my "regulars" (makes me sound like a prostitute, which is insulting, as I've yet to make a friggin' dime off of this crap) enough time to comment before I go on to the next post.

I want you to know that I had absolutely nothing to do with Cooper's disappearence. My theory? He was related to the infamous D.B. Cooper, and mysterious vanishings seem to be a recurring pattern in that family. Finally, if the majority of us "had a grip" on our actual lives, we would still have them (lives); and therefore we wouldn't need to blog. We are all those lone smelly socks, lost through the dryer, yet found through each other here on my blog. It reminds me so much of that "Message in a Bottle" song by The Police. Seems I'm not alone at being alone!

DykesDog said...

Puggy dear friend. I love your fantasy! No worrys. Actually I would think you had a thing for the clown, if they were any cleaner!

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - You're the first one who didn't react with disgust. Validation at last! Oh, and can you also validate my parking?

Crashtest Comic said...

Came here for a quiet beer, Pug, before I go off & fight the good fight for the

Venus vs. Uranus Tour
Friday Oct 13th
@ the Improv.


Crashtest Comic said...


Crashtest Comic said...

They'll be No Shelter Here
the front line is everywhere.


RevRee said...

Can we not agree that Oasis is the best band ever? Can we not agree on this?????

puerileuwaite said...

LOL Crash. Is that REALLY the name you picked? I have a woodie just thinking about the possibility!

Rev - Well, I do consider you to be my WonderWall. But you lost me with all those "nots". So Sally can wait, while I try to make sense of what you wrote.


jmeped said...

It's official I now blove you! I did not ask to pop out your babies, thanks for the miss quote. That was funny and I loved it. Give me back my picture now. What did you do because now I have no face?

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped - You didn't have to ask. I KNEW that's what you wanted. Okay, you can have your picture back, but I get to keep your soul.