Monday, September 18, 2006

Holy Shit

If you give the Pope enough rope, so the saying goes.
By quoting a 14th-century Christian emperor on an ‘evil and inhuman’ Islam, Puerileuwaite I ignited a global storm. What was he thinking?

By "Scoop" Pyles
Newsweak


Sept. 25, 2006 issue - The setting was familiar, the occasion, the speaker thought, fitting. At three in the afternoon last Tuesday, after a quick ride from lunch in the PopePimpSnizMobile, Puerileuwaite I began a lecture in the Vulva Magnifico of the University of Himmler Learning in Germany.

Puerileuwaite said early in an address on faith and reason, that he was in favor of the first thing, but staunchly opposed to the second. Citing an off-color joke about a 14th-century Christian Byzantine emperor and an Islamic Persian involving a horny jackal, Puerileuwaite I quoted Manuel II in a III part joke with IV separate punchlines: “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and I'll show you a mountain. No, no, wait. I told it wrong. Mohammed was brought to the mountain. Yes, I'm fairly certain that was it.”

Within days Puerileuwaite had the globe engaged in a “lively exchange of nuclear proportions,” but it was not, one suspects, the exchange the pope had in mind. The Pakistani parliament voted to condemn him; the leading Shiite cleric in Lebanon asked for a personal apology. Puerileuwaite in his response referred to his detractors as "Fudge Pakistanis", and that he couldn't "stani" those "Good for Shiites". For emphasis, he made a sign of the cross with his middle digit.

He then scurried inside the Vatican and concealed himself under a gathering of nuns.

The pope’s intentions in discussing “holy war” were presumably good — he approvingly quoted an early Qu’ranic “surah” (chapter), which says “there is no compensation in religion” — just like crime, it doesn't pay.

Sadly, though, he clumsily and obliquely exacerbated tensions between Christianity and Islam by consuming a burrito and loudly expelling gas during his visit to a nearby mosque. The episode marked the first widely noted breaking of wind in a purely religious context, and he managed to project an air of ecumenicism while holding in deeper fundamentals.

He was later quoted as saying that "irrational violence is displeasing to God". To which his companions responded, "How does God feel about rational violence? Is he only mildly irritated by that?".

“We must seek paths of reconciliation and learn to live with respect for each other’s wacky belief structures. And by the way, I have never spoke before such a pleasant smelling assembly” he told a Muslim audience in Cologne last year.

The pope must have known his words would carry, as he had just finished listening to "Voices Carry" by "Til Tuesday" on his iPod. Puerileuwaite seemed to be denouncing Islam while failing to acknowledge that any religion, including his own, can be manipulated and perverted to evil ends. Bake sales were cited as but one example.

Two years before he became pope, Puerileuwaite published a book with Madonna (no relation to Jesus' mother) entitled “Truth or Dare,” in which he wrote that all faiths can be tested by playing this game at parties.

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57 comments:

leelee said...

Oh how I would love to witness a live BRAIN SCAN as you write...all those colorbursts..how fabulous!!! MAGNIFICENT!! I LOVE IT

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee, I like the graphic. From one heathen to another, thanks!

leelee said...

LOL...you are most welcome! :-)

/t. said...

another
masterwork!

you do have
a way with words,
mr. p.

/t.

GirlGoyle said...

A born catholic (like I had a choice seeing that I'm Italian) what am about to say will probably guarantee me a spot in the front rows of hell...but am I the only one that has noticed the uncanny resemblance between the New Pope and the supreme ruler of the most powerful tyrannical regime the galaxy had ever witnessed,.Emperor Palpatine. Just saying...but if you don't believe me, see for yourself...it's just...uncanny I tell you!

http://mellody.co.za/michaela/palpatine/gallery/emperor11.jpg

Little Lamb said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Little Lamb said...

I removed my comment because as soon as I saw Pope I thought of what he quoted from a book.

What I wanted to say now was we seem to have a peace loving pug.

Pud said...

Wow! Your mind is a scary place.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad at the reception this post is getting. I wasn't sure how it would come across as I was constructing it. But of course by now you know that never stops me.

Girlgoyle - A born Catholic? I thought I was the only one. Why, this is just like that "Message in a Bottle" song by The Police! And I already have 2-tickets to the front row of hell, so you can be my date (dates with me have often been described as "hellish" anyway). You're right, BTW. Who knew that a German could come across as "evil"? I knew that Austrians could, since both Hitler and I share that nationality. But ... Germans?

Lamby - In honor in me, I think The Doors "Peace Frog" should be changed to "Peace Pug". Who seconds the motion? All in favor, say "aye".

Pud - My other 15-personalities were shouting the exact same thing. All at once. So I told them, either you all settle down, or I'm drowning you in cheap liquor, you crazy S.O.B.'s!

DykesDog said...

Vulva Magnifico ... I hope you are well schooled in this subject!

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - Not as well as I'd like to be, but I did graduate "magna cum laude"!

jmeped said...

Funny fur ball! My stomach hurts, and I almost forgive you for Fu#$^ng up my icon, thanks for the post. Sorry I couldn't get to it before you posted again. Look at you all on a roll. Now fix my crap!

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped - I fixed it. Even though your icon's disappearance was a fitting reference to your own recent disappearences.

This "flower shop" gig is just a front, isn't it? You're really serving as a Columbian drug mule, aren't you? Aren't you?! Fess up now, or I'm taking you in!

jmeped said...

Is this a pick up line? If you want to frisk me all you have to do is ask...

puerileuwaite said...

No, that's what the "good cop" would do. Right now I'm playin' "bad cop". Bad cops cop a feel without asking permission. That's one reason why they're so bad.

And your icon still keeps disappearing. Strange. Using it in my post shouldn't have screwed it up like that. I'll try deleting it from the post, and see what happens.

(This must be your day off. Or are you slacking at work ALREADY?)

/t. said...

there are
strange things
done in blogger's
sun, my son

your wacky icon for one

yesterday, little lamb's comments disappearing (tho i suspect that was in most part my doing, but i don't know how), and for the first time ever, my sidebar at codepo() up and disappears (and for sure no posts or changes made there)...

something odd in the neighborhood -- maybe we need an exorcism -- you have any pull in that regard, pug?

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I'll start a pot of pea soup, and see if I can locate a Priest who is not a pedophile (but still makes house calls).

RevRee said...

I wish I had something clever to post, but I don't. That was just priceless!

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Praising one of my posts IS clever!

~Deb said...

Now that was one unique post! I have to kind of agree with "Pud", but I would also love to pick your brain some day....an interesting place! I'm sure.

puerileuwaite said...

~deb - First of all, welcome to my blog. You may pick away anytime you like, assuming there's something left after these buzzards are done with me. I must confess that I've admired you from afar, and am delighted by your visit!

RevRee said...

I was just a girl when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Don't let 'em get yer goat(s).

BTW, I always thought that "Jihad" would be an EXCELLENT name for a board game. Especially since Yatzee and Jumanji are already taken. I need time to develop the entire concept, but here's what I have so far:

1) All players must wear towels fashioned into turbans.

2) Any argument MUST erupt in violence, and cause deadly grudges that last for decades.

3) The winner gets to yell "Jihad!" and "cut their vanquished opponents (or "infidels") down" with their "scimitar" (which is their turban, removed from their head, wetted down, tightly rolled lengthwise, and snapped at the other infidels naked hineys).

I am seeking investment capital, if you're interested.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

i am still a catholic but cant do an exorcism. forgot the latin.

too bad max von sydow died. "the power of Christ commands you!!".....look if that results in pea soup being puked into my face...well, that little girl is lost.

magna cum laude, huh?
then i'll take the summa katra cum laude.

girlgoyle...i know what you mean! all the islamic leaders look just like sauraman from lord of the rings. coincidence? i. don't.think.so!

see you all in hell.

/grrrrrrrrrr

RevRee said...

Bwhahahahahah!

PS have you seen Team America?...

puerileuwaite said...

k9 - I like the way you think.

Rev - Not yet. Is it good? Worth buying?

jmeped said...

Yes it's my day off. As a matter of fact I have three off in a row. What is one to do with herself? I'll fix my icon when I'm not playing lazy.

puerileuwaite said...

I'll be right over to fix your icon. Doing it remotely is SO impersonal.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

what? no pope soap on a rope yet?
i mean, its already white! so manufacturing costs will be low.

im lookin' for investors as well.

/grrrr

puerileuwaite said...

k9 - Would you believe I actually tried to work that joke into the post? Good catch.

jmeped said...

This is the best I could do. It seems that the place I got my persona will not let me have it back! WTF?!?! My whole day is shot. Now I don't know who I am. A smart ass sexpot suited me just fine, now I guess I'll have to go with my gut and be a gay man trapped in a woman's body.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

PW - yes i would. natch! i wear my mitt to all the blogs.

/howl

limpy99 said...

As a reformed Catholic I'd be deeply offended by this entry if it hadn't been so fucking funny.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, not to worry. All you should have to do is recapture your icon from my Zeppelin post (Give me a little while to put it back), onto your computer, then (when Blogger allows) upload it back into your profile.

The process of copying your icon into a post should have never done this. Damn you squirrelly Blogger spaghetti code writers! You suck!

There is no way you can stay with this gay icon.

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy99 - Welcome to my blasphemous blog. Somehow, I eventually find a way to offend and alienate everyone.

DykesDog said...

Oh, and I bet that isn't all you did with Madonna ... was this about the time her song, "Like a Virgin" came out?!

Crashtest Comic said...

Popes farting...always funny.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

yeah, but when popes fart? it smells like frankensence and myrrh.

/howl

Enemy of the Republic said...

About time I commented--you blog with so many of my buddies. For what it's worth, I think it's all a sham: the Pope wanted to say what he did, then deeply apologize. He actually knew that no one would remember the apology, but everyone would remember his referal. So I see it as planned policy. Benedict is one smart cookie; he basically ran the Vatican for years and he will continue to push the church into neomedieval times while more Catholics either ditch the faith or join others (as did I.)

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - Sadly, I've had many women brag about emerging from dates with yours truly in this condition. Humiliating yet perversely uber-hip at the same time, due to the Madonna reference.

Crash - And why not? Why should the Japanese be the only ones entitled to use of the "divine wind" concept?

k9 - My point exactly. This is why - from my humble birth in that lonely barn to present day - I have always preferred gold. IMHO there was only ONE wise man; the other two were stooges. To them I say: "of all the stars in the sky, you two numbskulls had to pick mine. WTF?".

Enemy - Thank you for your return visit to my humble blog. As you get to know me (an appetizing thought, I'm sure!), you'll see that I do tend to pander to my guests in the comments section of my posts. But you are indeed another blogger that I've admired from afar. Your Cruel Virgin blog is that special book I've set aside to enjoy on my next "rainy day". As a longtime ex-Catholic who sometimes experiences bouts of nostalgia, I enjoyed your musings on the current Pope. Thank you for your visit. I hope to hear from you often.

Little Lamb said...

To change the subject, I commented on what you said about that one lamb over at my blog. Just to set the record straight. I wonder if I should bring my lambs over to mo'po?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - They just might bring a calm sensibility to that blog. So sure, why not?

Party Girl said...

You: So, cleva' so witty, so one-linerish

The pope: Such an ignorant dumbass. How did they come about to choose him? I meaning, really? He was the best one? Really?

puerileuwaite said...

PG - Thanks for kind words. My self-esteem is now temporarily back to normal levels. And you're right: he's no John Paul or George Ringo.

Crashtest Comic said...

I don't like this Pope for some reason.

He opens his mouth ONCE and sticks his hat in it.

Then again, having to replace a beloved Pope like John Paul has to be difficult.

Who else was gonna replace John Paul?

Pope George Ringo?

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - I hear what your sayin'. My gut response was to reply that who's Pope matters as much to me as what Britney Spears' latest hijink was. But he IS the head of one of the largest religions, and therefore has major infuence over world politics. Unfortunately.

Crashtest Comic said...

I can safely say the Pope could lick my nuts & I wouldn't even notice.

RevRee said...

Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - With that big friggin' hat of his bumpin' against your stomach, and the Papal ring rubbin' against your butthole, I think you'd notice. Hell, I think you'd enjoy it and convert.

Rev - Okay, I give up. This is the 2nd time you commented with this chant of yours. Where's it from, pray tell?

- Sheik Yerbouti

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
miss_lissa said...

Rev almost sounds like the swedish chef...

Bork Bork Bork

puerileuwaite said...

I'd say more like a Swedish meatball, Miss_Lissa! We tried to let her cook one time, but it was a disaster.

Both the Vanilla Extract and Cooking Sherry were consumed within minutes. Then we find that the "turkey" she placed in the oven was really the cat. What a horrific scene THAT was: the poor thing with both of her charred paws on the glass, hoping in vain that we'd notice her in time (we didn't).

Suffice it to say, we had to change the menu to Chinese that night. Almost ruined everything. But then the boss gave me a big promotion the very next day. Said it was the best meal he ever had. So now we're locked into this tedious ritual every Friday night. Cooking is much more enjoyable when it's spontaneous, and less of a constant expectation.

RevRee said...

hahah sorry, I'm on a Team America kick! once you see this movie, you'll understand my sweet

miss_lissa said...

Cat... chinese....

hahahaa! I was gonna go all larry the cable guy with a good ol' "thats some funny shit right there, I don't care who y'ar"
but thats too cliche.

Team America.. you know. I was gonna rent it keep meaning too and then get alzheimers when I'm at blockbuster. It's those fucking 2 cokes for an extra $2 offers that trip me up everytime. bastards.

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - Now you made ME laugh! So I suppose that makes us even steven.

Pud said...

Where's my pug at?