Wednesday, September 06, 2006

My Confession

Hello everyone,

Be careful what you ask for. Here is an excruciatingly long and equally tedious post, chock full of crap that I've written on autopilot. So enjoy!

Though I was delighted by the wild explosion of comments for my last post, I was a little disappointed that some of my blogging friends haven't stopped by to leave a comment. That's okay though. I realize that sometimes people get overwhelmed with their own lives, and that I can - and unfortunately do - slip out of the top-3 on your priority lists. I recently nudged a tad closer to the darker/bluer side of blogging, and this "change in course' may no longer be in alignment with some of your tastes. That's okay too.

You see, I knew as early as my second post (The Great Bowling Analogy) that I would have to take risks with my blog. Ones that might alienate and lose readers, yet hopefully capture new audience members, ultimately helping my overall circle of blog buddies to grow. What can I say? I'm a whore! It's much more gratifying to post for dozens of lurkers than for a handful. Ditto for commenters. So even though I miss those of you who no longer comment or choose to visit, I've got to be me. As disgusting as that sounds.

And while I'm on my soapbox, it's no fun to consistently comment on other blogs just to not to have those bloggers reciprocate. It's even less gratifying to have one's comments consistently go unacknowledged. So unless a blogger is just doing it for a gaggle of friends, and is uninterested in meeting new people, he or she should take heed.

I'd been considering a separate blog (or even two more) in order to segregate my posts according to content. But I came to realize that I have my hands full with this blog, and maintaining another blog just to hang onto 4 or 5 viewers is not a luxury time-wise that I can afford. So for the present, this is it.

Then I sold my soul to this Clown. What can I say? With "Jughead Goober Cokehead Mo-Fo" still in the White House, it remains a "Buyer's Market" for souls.


I am now a proud(?) affiliate of his Mighty Blog Network. Apparently among other perks I'm entitled to any virgins remaining in heaven after the rest have been allocated to Al Queda nutjobs.

But there is a problem. I have a deep dark secret. One that will eventually defy any of my futile attempts to conceal it. A secret SO heinous, so sinister, and so reprehensible, that even THIS man would recoil in disgust and refuse to discuss it on camera.


So I am therefore doomed to a fate of never being featured in any of his shows. No "American Justice" or "Cold Case Files" for me. Not even as a victim. For if Bill Kurtis were to even utter my name, the resultant self-loathing would prevent him from ever smiling again. This was his reaction when only the first 2-syllables of my name were mentioned.

So what is this horrible secret? Was it my narcotics-induced fling with Courtney Love? A relationship so twisted and bizarre, perhaps, that it was I who was considered the more pyschotic one?


No, it was much worse than that.

Was it that I fell in with another* (* I mean BESIDES my current crew of commenters) bad crowd? One that still held a candle for Charlie Manson and also one that sadistically assigned Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme to be my life partner?


No, unfortunately it didn't have that glorious, spiritual edge to it. My crime was way more revolting.

Well then, what could it be? Did I become involved with one of these shady ladies of ill-repute?


Even though I do have many "Chicken Foot' tattoos winding their way throughout my barnyard of a body (which, so I've heard, Rev-Ree is into), no, it's not that either.

"Well Puerileuwaite, you recently mentioned being voted "Creepiest Trenchcoat Guy" by "Bad Touch" magazine. Have you been consorting with this guy?"


No. I haven't seen him since our last matinee in Florida together. By the way, if he offers you popcorn, but insists on keeping the bucket stationary on his lap, consider that a big, red flag.

Is my deep, dark secret that I arranged play dates or sleepovers for Jacko?


No. So you can just "Beat It" with this crackpot theory.

Was it my clandestine trips to Boulder, Colorado and Thailand with John Mark Carr, alleged slayer of JonBenet, and possible illegitimate son of the actor who plays Eric's dad on "That 70's Show"?


No. Although I DO recommend seeing Thailand. It's very affordable and the temples are absolutely stunning. Plus you can buy Lotto tickets RIGHT IN THE BAR.

"Oh! I know! You married your 13-year old cousin."


Though my talent and boyish yet still rebellious good looks have often been compared with Jerry Lee Lewis, the answer is no. It's not that either. Although the Girl Scouts never come to my door anymore to sell me cookies, for some reason.

"Okay, was it you who killed JFK?"


Although I HAVE been named by Oliver Stone as a possible member of the alleged conspiracy, no. You're way off.

"Is it that you know: not only did John Wilkes Booth escape, but he was in fact, your Great-Grandfather?"


Lay off the Lincoln Logs, pal. Although the resemblance is uncanny, I do own a Ford, and have been to the theatre, there is no truth to this persistent rumor.

Well, am I a souless serial killer, slaughtering teenagers as a form of symbolic punishment for underage fornication and negligent babysitting?


Unfortunately, no. But what a tremendous service to the community I would be providing if this were the case.

Was I an accomplice to this monster's awful path of destruction? Or - even worse - a blog buddy to his pen-pal CrashTest Comic?


While CrashTestComic is a member of my blogging circle - a reality that I am both grateful for, and embarrassed about - this is not my (most) traumatic secret. At least, not the one this post is about.

"Okay! Enough already! Puerileuwaite, if we all take an oath that we couldn't possibly: think less of your character; be more disgusted by your existence, or continue to curse your name on an hourly basis - will you PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT tell us your horrible secret?!?!"

Okay, I can't go on prolonging the inevitable. Hate me if you must. Ditch me if that's what you need to do. Just go then. Don't look back. You see, my deep, dark secret is that I finally watched ALL of the "Harry Potter" movies. And, get this: I ENJOYED them. There! I said it. I feel like dirt. And yet, I don't mind, entirely. Actually I kinda like it.

So what if this means that I must now lurk in the shadows? Hiding during daylight hours. Venturing out only after midnight. Throw stones if you must. But first consider that you too have questionable tastes. You can lie to me, but you can't run from the truth. Perhaps you enjoyed the original "Star Trek" a wee bit too much. Maybe you fantasized about Frodo from "Lord of the Rings". Is it possible that you identified a tad too closely with Gollum? Quick: name 10-Star Wars characters. I bet every one of you nerdy S.O.B.'s can do it. And some of you with your O.C.D. wouldn't stop at 10. You sicken me.









So there. I feel better already. Oh, and I'm gay.

.

114 comments:

Mayden's Voyage said...

Oh PW!!! How wonderful! I'm so happy that you are happy and gay! And I love Herry Potter, and Star Trek, and Lord of the Rings, and MST3K.
But can you help me figure out what to wear tonight? :) Of course you can! Luv ya! Mean it!

RevRee said...

I can deal with all the other things, but please tell me you're joking about being gay... (not that there's anything wrong with being gay)

puerileuwaite said...

Ladies, rest assured that I am not gay (not that there's anything wrong with it). I needed a snazzy zinger for the end of this post, that's all. Plus I wanted to say it before the Clown did.

So take solace in the knowledge that I have one of the highest heterosexual drives on the planet. Women are my weakness, and therefore my curse. On second thought, this emission, oops, admission may not be so comforting after all.

Besides, I could never be gay. I have no sense of fashion or interior design. They won't even allow me to live in the city for fear that I'd refer to myself as a "Metrosexual".

So rest assured that, even though FM is married and therefore "ineligible", Rev has a theoretical (1:1,000,000) chance she'll wake up with a hangover under a big pile of coats next to "yours truly" some Sunday morning.

puerileuwaite said...

(p.s. - I DO still feel "pretty" and "witty".)

/t. said...

dude,

you own a Ford

?!?

YOU DISGUST ME

(not that there's anything wrong with being vile & disgusting)

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - You caught me, damn you! I did my best to sneak this one through. However I am proud to report that I am now on a strong prescription which has my urge to drive it under control.

/t. said...

sure --

& say hi to
charlie & squeaky
on yr next yard break

/t.

RevRee said...

A big pile of coats laying next to you? That's kinda erotic...

RevRee said...

A big pile of coats laying next to you? That's kinda erotic...

Mayden's Voyage said...

"ineligible" for what-- exactly?

The pile of coats thing?

RevRee said...

Sorry about the double post, I'm slow...

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - "I've been raking leaves with Liza; me and Liz clean up the yard."

- from "Detox Mansion" by Warren Zevon

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - I do believe I wrote "UNDER a big pile of coats". This MUST have you excited: you commented twice! (Slow? You may be too FAST for me.)

FM - Yes. Why, are you disputing your ineligibility status? ;-)

RevRee said...

Under a big pile of coats? Oh Lordy that's even hotter!

I was going to agree and say that I may be a bit much for you, seeing as you're older. But then I took a look at your profile and you have no age listed. For all I know you could be some horny 16 year old!!!!!!!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - With me, you get "slightly" more than TWO horny 16-year olds for your money!

leelee said...

Gay or straight, eligible, ineligible, under. over or next to a pile of coats...its all good PW...all is fair in here in the blogdom and no one will ever be the wiser.

I'm just glad you're happy

Little Lamb said...

And all this time you've been leading me on. You made me think it was me you liked and not Revree.

And you sold your soul to the clown? How could you? I very distraught. I don't know what will become of me.

I think I may change my blog.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee, wisdom is my nemesis here in the blog world. Thank God there isn't too much of it ;-)

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, I LOVE your new-found assertiveness. Passive-aggressive gals turn me on, which is a good thing, since that's all I seem to attract. And it is YOU. And Rev. And all the ladies. What can I say? I'm a dandelion!

And what's wrong with the Clown having it. He needed one. Plus I'm sure he won't use it until I can manage to get it back. So don't go changin', Lamby.

Little Lamb said...

No, I am considering changing it. You have Rev and Dyck. You don't need me. They met you first, so go to them. You know where I am if you change your mind. But you gotta consider I may have a differnt blog.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, say it ain't so! I need your fluffy goodness! I need you running laps around my bed each night so that I can count the many ways I've grown fond of you as I drift off to sleep! My heart is way too big for just a handful of people! I need you, Lamby!

Little Lamb said...

Maybe I should let you and Revee have each other. I'm no good in flirting anyway.

I do not want to let you go. I don't have to let you go. I'm not letting you go. I will learn to accept you as you are.

In other words, I cannot let you go. I will not let you go.

Unless of course you want to leave, but in order for you to leave you will have to stop blogging, so I guess you're stuck with me.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - huh?

Just kidding. I know what you mean.

Little Lamb said...

No, you're not. You're not kidding. Maybe I should just leave you alone with Rev and Dyck.

Just kidding.

DykesDog said...

Wow, small world we are going to Thailand in Jan, 07 and I cannot wait! I was really worried when I started reading your post. I was terrified that as I scrolled, I would find out that you were the child of the Mighty Dyck and Rev and I really worry about that child! I can handle anything, anything but that!

Little Lamb said...

Pug,

You are now Pugpox. Go check it out!

http://codepo.blogspot.com/

This is from /t. & me.

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - I had you goin' though. So that was good. I'm excited for you about your Thailand trip. Try to behave when you're there, okay? Otherwise you'll have to cop to some unsolved crime in order to get back here.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby & /t. - I just saw it. Cool! What is that in the lower left corner? A Mickey Mouse hat? And no pug in it? I'll never understand modern art. But it is cool! Thanks!

RevRee said...

puerileuwaiteeipruwf, sorry I've been doing some math to try and figure out your age. ( I work in television not mathmatics!!!)

I'm going to go with 34? I could be wrong and you're a 69 year dirty old man!

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - 16? 69? How about somewhere in between? Does age REALLY matter when it's obvious how badly you want me? You could be my first! Then again, you could be my last! Perhaps even BOTH?

/t. said...

rev:
( not that there's anything wrong with being a 69 year dirty old man )

pug: those obviously are great green globs -- you don't need to be picasso to understand that...

glad you like it, tho

lamb & i worked closely -- dare i say, very, very closely, & together on this -- well, alright, not really closely -- we're in like different countries -- but we were close(!) -- watch yourself, eh

/t.

Mayden's Voyage said...

I'm not disputing my eligiblity...rather I'm questioning your presumptuousness-

You presume a tad too much I think ;)

Little Lamb said...

Since you won't come to my blog to see how I answered your post, I'll post my answer here:

What desire were you hoping for? As long as your flirting with other women, and revree you will not know what I look like. I gotta draw the line somewhere, as you have with me.

RevRee said...

I have nothing cute, sexy or celver to say...

This sucks!

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Lamby working closely with you has obviously led her astray. So in a way, your masterpiece is but a cruel memento of what Lamby and I once had. Why must I suffer for your art?

FM - Please refer to the very last quote (from Bedazzled) on the right margin of my main page for my thoughts on the matter.

Lamby - Why do your run from your feelings for me? You can't fence me in!

Rev - Speechless? You? Quick! Let me see if I won PowerBall!

Little Lamb said...

I do like you in a special way, but it hurts when you flirt with others. I'm jealous.

Little Lamb said...

I can't flirt worth crap.

Little Lamb said...

I do appreciate your honesty.

RevRee said...

puerileuwaiteajheprihaf, Bite me!!!

Dirty old man...

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - don't be jealous. You DO flirt. In your own, innocent way. I find that refreshing. And what else can any of us do but flirt?

Rev - I don't have to stand for this! So I'm gonna chill with my Playstation until mom says it's bath time. I owe you one noogie.

RevRee said...

Playstation??? BWHAHAHHAHAAH you have a Playstation???

LOSER!!! The only way to go is an XBox!

Wanna play Halo?

Little Lamb said...

I'm getting to involved with you. Give rev and whoever else you flirt with their noogie.

I've got to stop being obsessesd. You and I can be friends.

Meanwhile I get nothing from you. Not even a kiss goodnight.

Good night

Little Lamb said...

I'm getting to involved with you. Give rev and whoever else you flirt with their noogie.

I've got to stop being obsessesd. You and I can be friends.

Meanwhile I get nothing from you. Not even a kiss goodnight.

Good night

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Sure! Just to see you in the same place as a "halo" would be a rare treat!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - *Smooch* (*with Modest 1st Kiss Tongue Action*)

Good night my sweet Lamb. I'll think of all the ways you sacrifice for me, you sultry rope skipper.

RevRee said...

Are you saying I'm evil? I'm offended damnit!

Crashtest Comic said...

The only reason I correspond with the Son of Sam is beacuse Ed Gein won't return my calls...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ten bucks says Lambo is in bed right now with a vibrator and a picture of a pug...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Oh, and thanks for the free plug, P.

(BTW, are you sure you're not gay?)

Crashtest Comic said...

carolines, 7 days & counting.

Mayden's Voyage said...

PW, sweet 38++ little gay dude with a squooshed puggy face...

I KNOW what I want- a man to make me laugh :) Sometimes you fit the bill :) I'll have to leave it to K9 to take care of the more serious matters :)

And I'm not married to him at all!!! :P

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Not evil. Just wicked in all the right ways.

Crash - Of course Ed won't return your calls. He's not THAT crazy.

Mighty D - - -
Re: Lamby - I can only hope that's what she's doing.
Re: The Plug - No problem, oh Evil One.
Re: The Gayness: Only if it advances my career, or dupes hot chicks into conversion attempts.

puerileuwaite said...

Fair Mayden - Well, it certainly is a sorry state of affairs when you are more hurtful to me than the Clown is. It's treatment like this that makes me question my preference for women in the first place!

Mayden's Voyage said...

LOL- Really? More hurtful than the clown? I don't think so~
You know that I love you in a distant- bloggy- way over on the other side of the US-and "ineligible" kind of way- don't you?
I just don't want to wake up next to you with a hangover. Or under a pile of coats...
or between you and the lamb...
And K9 did win the duel- I am very sweet on him- who can blame me? The dog wrote me a poem and a song!
To be clear, I know you are 38, and quite tall (compared to my 5 ft 1)...and rather lean, with nice hands- right? Oh, and not gay, or having a squooshy puggy face.
Tall, handsome, funny. The ideal man.
You sound exactly like my husband! :) smooch :)

Little Lamb said...

You will see what you selling your soul to the clown has done.

Don't even think the clown's idea od me is correct.

I will be sacrificing for you no more.

Crashtest Comic said...

Tall, lean, and nice hands?

Are you Geddy Lee?

Pud said...

So...you must be bummed that J.K. Rowhling is going to kill off Harry Potter in her last book, huh?

BTW ~ You don't consider me one of those bloggers who don't show up any more, do you?

Chris said...

This reminds me of the time my mom took me to the garden center when I was a kid. There was this man in the back, hair was piled in massive plates around his head and face. He looked like Neptune, or what you would imagine Neptune to look like if he were a hirsuit garden troll. Anyways, he's working furiously on placing plants and flowers in clay pots, dirt is being flung everywhere. Maybe he was on a deadline. Maybe the person at the register had a return and he was fixing it with new soil or some plant food. As he comes to the front, standing at his full height of 6-7, hair piled in plates around his head and face, I said to my mom, "Wow, Mom look! That is one harry potter."

The rest is history. I never went on to write any books.

puerileuwaite said...

FM - Sound just like your husband? Blondes can be SO cruel!

I'm kidding, of course.

RevRee said...

38, tall, lean, with nice hands!!!!!!!! AND not gay???

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, he only wrote what he did, because he's jealous of what we have, my little woolen blanket of bliss.

RevRee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
RevRee said...

blah

I'm going back to bed

puerileuwaite said...

Crash, don't I wish! I've seen Rush 3-times so far. Every one of the three (Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, and the immortal Neil Peart) has insane talent. Geddy Lee (thinks it's easy to play the bass like a lead guitar? think again!) and Flea (from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, of course; King of the Slap Bass technique) are two of my favorite bassists.

And Rush produced one of THE all-time greatest lyrical phrases, IMHO. From "Spirit of Radio":

"But glittering prizes
and endless compromises
shatter the illusion
of integrity"

Yeah!

puerileuwaite said...

Pud, EVERYONE seems to think Harry Potter is going to die in the final book. I sure hope not. After the shitty life he's had to lead, why can't he at least live happily ever after? Now excuse me while I finish my salami and cheese sandwich and finish my game of Dungeons and Dragons ...

Okay, I'm back. And no, I didn't mean you, Pud. You always comment at least once per post. In fact, none of my current Black Sheep fall into the categories mentioned.

Finally, I set up a new email account late yesterday, so hang on for that thing I promised.

puerileuwaite said...

Rev, the way you word it, I DO sound HOT! I think I'm ready to get all gay on myself!

puerileuwaite said...

Chris, it's never too late. You could write of a mystical land beyond the back fence of the garden center. Full of wonderful treats served by trolls in hair nets, glorious new inventions and rows of office products. You could call it: "Christopher Consumer and the Big Box Discount Store of Enchantment".

Enjoyed your story, BTW. Before I caved and joined the rest of the cult, I used to refer to him as "Harry Pothead and the Chamberpot of his Sister's Urine for the Upcoming Drug Screening".

puerileuwaite said...

Rev, going back to bed is SO hot! Dream of me.

puerileuwaite said...

Okay, I'm all caught up. I need to work intensively on some other things. I'll check back later on.

Paula said...

PW- no cares if you're gay.

And people do get busy, and some of your stuff does get a little weird, and I feel uncomfortable commenting on certain subjects, but whatev.

Relax.

Paula said...

one. no one cares if you're gay.

puerileuwaite said...

PJ - I chose my words VERY carefully for this post. I stand by every one. The gay reference was a fictional "shocker" at the end. Any guy who has ever attended high school (at least in the U.S.) has endured 1001-gay accusations as a de facto right of passage. Not that it matters. Straight, gay. We all are who we are.

It's obvious we are not on the same wavelength. Let's diplomatically leave it at that. Take care.

RevRee said...

some people get a little too serious when it comes to the internets...

puerileuwaite said...

Prblem corrected, Rev. Good to hear from you, sunshine!

puerileuwaite said...

Oops. Problem corrected. That's better.

Pud said...

How was your game of Dungeons and Dragons?

RevRee said...

Thanks, i'm working on these blasted Birthday invites... GRRROWL

I need some chocolate!

puerileuwaite said...

D'oh! Pud, I was devoured by a Gelatenous Cube. Did I tell you how incredibly hot you look?

puerileuwaite said...

If I promise to bring chocolate, do I get an invite?

RevRee said...

only if you let me lick the melted chocolate off your fingers!

puerileuwaite said...

Um, okay.

RevRee said...

maybe not?

puerileuwaite said...

Sure, I'll do it. Whatever floats your boat.

RevRee said...

nope, nevermind. You don't sound to keen on the idea. The moment has passed.

puerileuwaite said...

Rev, the glue from the envelopes may be toxic! This last comment doesn't sound like you at all.

RevRee said...

puerileuwaitedsfhsishdf darlin',

I think it was the nyquil talking. you're right, that wasn't like me at all.

I just had some chocolate, I'm better now!

Little Lamb said...

Tell me pug, what is it that we have again?

/t. said...

little lamb,

he's a pug
you're a lamb

it can't work, sweetheart

the only thing you two have in common is four legs and hair (or wool) all over your bodies

give it up

/t.

Little Lamb said...

My point exactly. I ask him for a picture and Rev gets it. She said he was tall lean and 38.

/t. said...

&
little lamb,

can't you see
that...
i...
have feelings for you?

well, ok, not feelings... that would be icky, but, i've become obsessed with your incessant skipping, and have even calculated the number of jumps you've made between September 2005 until now to be something in excess of 47 million -- i think bird is looking into whether this could be close to the Guinness world record

has the pug ever given you that

?!?

/t.

Little Lamb said...

I posted at your blog. /t. I may end up clinging to you. You seem like a very nice person.

/t. said...

thanks,
but it's just
a front i affect
here on the blogs

still, you could cling to my shoulders (like a sweater) starting this fall (when the weather get cooler) -- i'll bet you're very warm (being mostly wool)

/t.

/t. said...

also,
i like orange

/t.

Little Lamb said...

Being wool I probably am warm, and will be happy to keep you warm.

Orange is a nice color, but red is my favorit.

/t. said...

i
don't suppose
you come in argyle?

/t.

Little Lamb said...

I absolutely LOVE argyle.

/t. said...

there you go

we
have much more
in common than the pug!

:)

Little Lamb said...

Yes, we do. Much more in common.

puerileuwaite said...

Why you 2-timing Little lamb! How dare you pull the wool over my eyes! Do I mean absolutely mutton to you? And with a Canadian Surrealist, no less! Which is not only surreal, but also redundant. Well, there are plenty of animals in my kingdom to choose from.

Party Girl said...

Well, I'm disappointed that you're not gay, cause lemme tell ya, I am a proud card carring member of the Fag Hag club and I am always looking for new members to give a toaster over to, I too Love the Harry Potter stories. I still haven't seen four and I didn't care for the book, the others? Yeah, I was hooked from his little lightening bolt...and I mean the one on his forehead.

Party Girl said...

Oh, and I love that I'm one of your black sheep.


...that's a good thing, right?

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl - Another Potter nerd? I likey! You give out toasters to your gays? Well in that case, call me gay if it means free appliances. Of course it's good to be a Black Sheep. In fact, I'm getting ready to move the remaining White Sheep into the black pen. You know what they say: once you go black there's no going back!

Party Girl said...

Or you haven't had it right until you've gone white

puerileuwaite said...

PG, that's why I'm the United Nations of Naked Hot Chicks.

Pud said...

No, you haven't told me how hot I am...tell me again.

puerileuwaite said...

Pud, you have no idea. You are incredible.

RevRee said...

Gooood Morning!

puerileuwaite said...

Hey Rev!

Party Girl said...

...and why I'm happy to be a member

puerileuwaite said...

PG, and I wouldn't have it any other way (sung in Billy Joel style).

Malnurtured Snay said...

I built a 7' tall Hogwarts Castle out of Lego.

puerileuwaite said...

MSnay, I vividly remember seeing it in your living room pix. That is so cool. How long did it take you?

GirlGoyle said...

what...you are gay?? what a shame. glad you came out of the blogger closet. though i did sort of have some hints seeing that you reference your mother a lot. hummm...
:)

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle - No worries. I'm straighter than the road to Hades. I wrote that in an attempt to ward off my stalkers? Did it work? ;-)