Friday, September 22, 2006

Hot Christian Sex

Puerileuwaite just KNEW that you perverts would be drawn in with a title like that.

Hot Christian Sex
by A. Paul DeMasses
Special to High & Holy Times Magazine


SOMEWHERE IN THE GREAT SOUTHWEST — About 100 evangelical Christian couples stand in the convention hall of the Two Points Horizontally Parallel Sheraton, bow their heads and thank God for their lives and the new day. Then they sing the old-timey hymn “There’s Not a Friend Like the Lowly Jesus.”

Just then, a protester shouts, "Assholes! Not a friend? And who are YOU to refer to Jesus as "lowly"? Pricks! But I forgive you.". He then disappears under a wave of kicks and punches.

I have come here expecting exactly this scene. The occasion is a seminar called “Love, Sex and Marriage: Mutually Exclusive No Longer,” being given by Jethro BoDean Puerileuwaite, a Southern preacher out of the old school, a self-described “book-chapter-and-verse guy,” who runs an outfit based in Atlanta, Georgia, called Family Dynamic Tension.

So I’m anticipating condemnation of American culture — especially America’s sexual culture — that has made conservative Christians feel dorky and distrusted.

But then Puerileuwaite, a sleek and sexy tower of power dressed in khaki slacks, a "Show Me Your Tithes ... and Your Tits!" t-shirt and Doc Martens that make him look like a retired punk rocker, shimmy-shakes to the front of the room and proceeds to tell the men in the audience how monogamy is not just another word for monotony.

Welcome to the world of hot Christian love. Sex for salvation. A new approach where Jesus doesn't have to be the only one coming.

The message is simple: Married Christians ought to be having more — and hotter — sex. With EACH OTHER, no less.

You could be forgiven for thinking “conservative Christian” and “hot sex” are oxymoronic. The missionary position has a real history, after all, as the logical progression from kneeled praying for sex to actually having it. But Puerileuwaite is part of a burgeoning trend among evangelicals to bring sex out of the shadows, making it available to everyone for a nominal donation.

"For years, Christian publishing would not publish on sex," says Ima Vixen, a Christian sex therapist with the Sex & Ministry (S&M) Group based in Des Moines, Iowa. "If they did, it was so heavily edited nothing of value was left. Now, more and more pastors are preaching about it on Sunday, resulting in filled pews, though you still do not see classes in semenaries. We are seeking to do that."

Vixen thinks preachers like Puerileuwaite have seen — and even "felt themselves" — the impact of the sexual revolution, and realize the church has been left behind as a source of sexual information. Apparently, for some bizarre reason, people do not view the church as the obvious definitive source. Carnival knowledge, yes. Carnal knowledge, no.

“Sex is supposed to be a sacred subject when money is not directly involved in the negotiations," Ms. Vixen says. “The church generally prefers not to talk about it, since it currently is not a source of revenue. But that has several impacts. It keeps it shrouded in ignorance (resulting in dumbshits attempting to use rubberbands as condoms) and the implication is that since you are not talking about it, it’s bad (even though sex can be good when it's bad, although bad sex is usually not good). It also results in them learning about sex on the street, at work, and on blogs.”.

Puerileuwaite sees this attitude every day. Women tell him: “I feel like I am sinning when I make love to my husband.” To which he replies, "I've seen your husband. You're safe. It's charity. But demonstrate on me what you do, so that through my divine wisdom I can determine if it's sinful.". He then goes on to whisper, "Perhaps if you do it this way ...", and has them repeat the act with church-sanctioned modifications.

“They want help,” he tells the assembled crowd at the Sheraton. At least a score of heads bob up from laps in recognition. “It’s hard,” he continues, "but we must be equally rigid in our approach to relieving the problem.". He then proclaims, “sex is the most wonderful gift God ever gave Christians.” "However, installing Larry Flint, Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccione as it's official representatives was his "suckiest" gift.".

Purileuwaite, who is studying for a Sexology Ph.D. from Rancho Mustang Institute in Nevada, is all about shining the light into parked cars and closed minds. He and a few others like him have concluded that conservative Christians can cope with America’s hypersexualized culture by being given permission to "pluck much of its fruit". Another benefit would be the "infusion" of Christian morality into mainstream Americans.

The information he dispenses at 75-cents a pop as a cruel unexpected substitute for condoms, is a mix of scriptural interpretation and mainstream sexology. He does not speak in euphemisms or metaphors and his plain spokeness makes a few listeners squirm, at first. But Pueriluwaite is also part entertainer with a patter that is almost vaudevillian in its timing: “Why are women multiorgasmic and men not? Because I don't sleep with men! ... What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Doberman? Dobermans don't try to bite as you f*ck 'em! Thank you! CrashTestComic and I will be here all week.”.

The humor and the brazen talk, coming from a man who is not only one of them, but a leader who rubs penises with James Dobson and Jerry Falwell, gives them permission to relax and hear his message.

It’s a simple one: Sex is good. Sex is great. Sex means you don't have to masturbate! It deepens relationships. It strengthens business associations. It makes it more enjoyable to be at work. It makes waits at the Department of Motor Vehicles less frustrating and tedious. It ensures a steady stream of quality people to populate Mother Earth. It gives Rev-Ree new posts for her blog.

There are rules many in the secular world reject. You have to be married. You have to be heterosexual. You have to wear pants in public. Other prohibitions include no sex with animals (not even if it tends to dramatically increase zoo attendance), no incest, no lust for people other than your spouse (especially you heathen bloggers reading this post), no adultery (but hell, if this is the ONLY way some of you can approximate "adult" behavior, he'll make an exception) and no porn or prostitution.

He argues that if the Bible does not forbid it, you can do it. So bring on masturbation! Try any position in the Kama Sutra. But refer to drawings, please, not pictures of real people, unless you already have some. And if you do, could you send him some?

Better yet, purchase his special bed from an earlier "Bed For Sale" post. Wife away on business? Have phone sex. Better yet, have it WITH YOUR WIFE! Birth control is good. Even anal sex is OK if it works as your "bar pickup line". Annual sex is also acceptable, though worthy of pity and self-loathing.

If you are a married Christian, not only can you do all this, but you should be doing it. So get busy, do the nasty, and turn yourselves into PROcreators.

“Our church has tried to be more open about sex, and to be more real about it,” Marsha (The Wad) Wadsworth, a member of the Brooklyn church and, along with her husband, Greg, one of the organizers of today’s sessions, tells me half-way through Puerileuwaite’s lecture. “There are lots of hang-ups ingrained on you every day: only 2-people per bed, no ceiling mounted appliances, no suffocation for pleasure, and no food items to be used in the bed chamber.". Bastards.

That’s very clear after Puerileuwaite takes a break, giving time for attendees to fill out question cards. They’re supposed to be free to ask anything that’s been on their minds. But when he returns, he flips through the cards and sees that they've all drawn Kama Sutra stills in sequence that create a mini-movie of a most reprehensible act featuring Puerileuwaite himself.

Everybody cracks up yet again. He begins reading from another set of cards: Is mutual masturbation OK? "Yes, but Mutual of Omaha is not, you sick f*cks."

Which sex toys are good, and can we use them at all? “The best ones are those you can accidently leave out in plain site, and no one is the wiser. If asked, calmly state, "Oh, that's a drink mixer. Here, hand me your cocktail and I'll show you how it works. (Inserts it into the glass, and momentarily turns it on.) See? A PERFECTLY mixed drink.".

What can you do if your wife is having trouble reaching orgasm? “Try having sex doggy-style and simultaneously masturbating. If that doesn't work, ask her lover what he (or she) does to get her motor runnin', and headin' for the highway.".

He offers another suggestion: “You’ve heard of the proverbial 69?” Someone in the audience naively asks, "Wasn't that the Tokyo mafia gang from "Kill Bill"?" At that point Puerileuwaite realizes he has his work cut out for him. For while his congregation does not yet know how to properly suck, their comprehension skills obviously are a "head" of them in this department.

Now morally unburdened, the attendees are eager to get home. The explicitness causes some jaws to drop, but not because people are offended. They're gettin' ready to do the holy hibbity jibbity.

“What is new for me is not that kind of talk,” Wadsworth says. The church has had some sexual conversations before, but only via Instant Messenger and Blog Chat Holes.".
.

37 comments:

GirlGoyle said...

Your relentless distortion of religion is amusingly disturbing. I take it you being a choir boy left some scars. LOL You do know that just like myself, you're on the escalator to hell right?

Party Girl said...

Ima Vixen is one smart chicky!

Just sayin'.

puerileuwaite said...

Unfortunately I never had the joy of being a choir boy. But two of my friends were alter boys. For some reason, they would only ever ride their bikes standing up. Never sitting down. I thought they were just trying to be cool. Later on I learned the awful truth ...... they couldn't afford bike seats.

Allow mw to borrow from AC/DC if I may. Hell ain't a bad place to be, if I've got my Girlgoyle there with me!

limpy99 said...

I suspect that if Pope Benedict had quoted from this sex instruction seminar rather than Manuel Paleologus MCMXVLII, we wouldn't be watching protests in the mid-east.

We'd be watching them in our own midwest.

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl, that could've been your "radio name in Detroit".

Hell, that's a great alias for you regardless of the circumstances!

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy, speaking only for myself, I'd be way too busy attending church to watch anything.

Anonymous said...

Very interesting reading. Maybe you have an educational video featuring Miss Ima Vixen? Or is watching sex considered a sin? Please advise.

puerileuwaite said...

Welcome, lexcen. To answer your question, it's only a sin if I'm not making money from it. Then it's a crime as well.

Little Lamb said...

Pug, is that all you think about is sex?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, I thought that's what YOU wanted. I did this one for you!

Little Lamb said...

hmmmm.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, did you or did you not want me to flirt with you more? You can't have your cake without the sinfully delicious frosting too.

Little Lamb said...

Yes, i confess I did. Sinfully delicous frosting is scrumptous.

puerileuwaite said...

Well alrighty then. No problemo!

Actually, you must know that I created this post from a news article on www.msn.com.

So there REALLY is a Southern preacher who wants to Christians to get more into sex. That's why I chose that theme for this post. Sometimes reality IS stranger than fiction, Lamby.

Believe it or not, sexy.

Little Lamb said...

I wish I could be creative when I read something in the news online like you are.

puerileuwaite said...

You ARE creative, Lamby. You can do the same thing, and the results will reflect your own personality.

Little Lamb said...

That's what I'm trying to do with my lamb story. Pug, I gotta be me. I feel a lecture coming on, but will refrain.

puerileuwaite said...

I like your cute lamb story.

Little Lamb said...

Thank you. I just have to think of some more stuff for it.

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tfg said...

You are the genius who can bring my Christian Porn vision to fruition. It is inevitable that we're both about to become very wealthy.

puerileuwaite said...

tfg - As I recall, the Garden of Eden had unfettered nakedness before "apple-gate" (no relation to Christina Applegate, unfortunately) brought unwarranted shame to it.

You must remember, this was in the days before Puritanism. So in a sense we are returning religion to its natural state. Similar to how religious dogma would be if you could purchase it at "Whole Foods" (or a similar high-end organic retailer).

And if you're still with me, the money to be made is the "low hanging fruit" that was so prevalent in the garden.

Finally, the snakes are those who dare to slither in our way. So good tidings to you, my first apostle (and possible first martyr).

The path to righteousness is * (* some adjective which I forgot and am presently too lazy to Google; I dunno, is it "beset"?; see "Pulp Fiction" for specifics) on all sides.

DykesDog said...

Pug, I think you should be the guest speaker at Jesus Camp!

Mayden's Voyage said...

PW- yet another post where I can not comment without revealing a tad more than I want to.
"Sigh"

RevRee said...

I only think about sex.

Sex, sex, sex!!!!

Little Lamb said...

So it's Rev that thinks about sex all the time.

Pug you have met your match.

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - Oh no. I'm not falling for the "Jesus Camp" bit again. It's really a concentration camp for misbehaving heathens like yours truly. No thanks. But nice try.

FM - I understand. That is why I am very cautious about revealing even the slightest glimpse into my "personality". Or lack thereof. I'm just too shy, and the ridicule would crush me.

RevRee - "Hot chicks who think about nothing but sex are not a myth! I've seen 'em!"
- Waterworld (the X-Rated parody starring yours truly as "Water Pistol Pete, the Wet T-shirt Bandit)

Lamby - See? I am NOT alone. Why, this is just like that "Message in a Bottle" song by The Police! Wait, no. Actually it's more like Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone", only this time with Over-18, HETEROsexual overtones.

DykesDog said...

Aw, but Pug, you could teach them so much ... BTW come Thursday you will love my heathens! They will make you proud ... not to mention they posed for a picture, just for you!

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - I'm delirious in anticipation, as I anxiously wonder what your "heathens" may be a euphemism for!

Party Girl said...

You know, I was thinking of changing my name. Ima Vixen has a nice, if not hookerish, ring to it.

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl - When I got to that part of the post, I had to quickly think of a cute name. Ima Vixen immediately came to mind, and kept me from coming up with any alternatives. But if ever there was an ideal alias for you (besides Party Girl), it is "Ima Vixen". And I think it's more of a "vamp" name, than a hookerish one. You are welcome to use it, if you like. I'd be honored.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I don't remember if I commented on this yesterday, but I did read it. I got some gross information: for many Christians who strictly believe the Bible (I'm talking about men) they enact every fantasy they can think of on their wife, some that would gross you and me out. So technically they are not sinning, but they sure aren't showing respect to their wives or seeing them as people. It is believed by literal Christians that a wife's duty is to submit to her husband in all things. Now I am a Christian, but the day my husband says he gets turned on by urinating on me, then I will throw the heaviest Bible I can find at him.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - I like your comment. Your openness is refreshing. And your last sentence cracked me up! Philosophies and religions should tolerate and be able to withstand scrutiny and questioning.

You seem to "get" the spirit of this post. It (and the one immediately prior to this) wasn't intended to bash religion or glorify sex at all. It was simply a way for me to poke fun at the hypocrisy and condescension in these men interpreting the "Supreme Being's rulebook" for the hoi polloi.

Anytime a fellow human tries to tell us what we should do to please the "Supreme Being", they place themselves in my puerile crosshairs (that sounds dirty, doesn't it?).

Thank you for your insights.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

ive got a photo of you and a hot southern christian

you dog!

/grrrrr

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

er, when you get there PW, scroll down for hot pug action.

/grrrr

puerileuwaite said...

k9 - Well of course I'm not happy! See how the hot chick is holding me AWAY from her teats? It supposed to be feedin' time at the Farmer's Market, baaaby! So close, and yet so far. I LOVE the south!

Crashtest Comic said...

What's wrong with masturbation?
It keeps you out of trouble for the most part (so long as you don't do it in public, ala Pee Wee, George Michael, and a few comics I know.)