Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Health Care Plans




A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed, and it was obvious that a hot young female nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?".

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health care plan."



.

62 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

And no, the nurse was not me or anybody related to me.

Pud said...

I need to look into getting that better health care plan that takes care of my condition of needing to be licked "down there" 5 times a day.

GirlGoyle said...

Now you tell me?? With the new job I went from PPO to HMO - damn it! Even if HMO did include said "services" I wouldn't want any part of it. They'd probably send some ugly toothless person who hasn't showered in weeks to do it. I'd rather have them lopped off. A bit too drastic?

puerileuwaite said...

Pud - I saw your "credentials". You are eligible. Contact me for more details.

Girlgoyle - Yes, it is too drastic. You are also eligible for our "Preferred Customer" plan. No toothless or aromatic provider will be provided. Just the most presentable will be presented, including yours truly.

DykesDog said...

I was cracking up when I read your post. My mother was a director of developmentally disabled home when I was in high school. She made me work there in the summer. One of the clients had the biggest balls you ever seen and I saw them plenty because I had to shower him. We use to tell all the new employees that they had to jerk him off three times a day so they would not be so big!!! They would get the most disturbed look on their faces!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Note to self: when hiring into the same company as Dykesdog, do NOT allow her to "show you the ropes". Especially the dreaded "soap on a rope".

(p.s. - In your situation, I would inject levity by playing AC/DC's Big Balls on a boom box while bathing "Mr. Coconuts". Then inevitably I'd take it too far by "accidently" knocking said boom box into the tub. After all, wouldn't this misdeed require even bigger cojones than the ones on "Mr. Coconuts"?)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - Was it this guy??

GirlGoyle said...

Fried coconuts?? That's a bit evil. And I have to say that Dykes dog's humor at an early age is quite disturbing. Then again maybe justified by the fact that she was required to bathe Mr. Coconuts. WTF...I can't believe I'm actually trying to make some sense out of this. LOL. BTW I appreciate your consideration of your "preferred customers." Phew! There is justice.

RevRee said...

So which one were you? The one with the better health care plan or were you left rubbing one out 5 times a day alone?...

puerileuwaite said...

GG - Yes, it's my own HMO offering: Hot Mamas Orgasmic. Every "Oh, yes! God, oh yes!!" indicates your legally binding acceptance of each term and condition of the contract, as contained therein. Not valid in Mississippi, for obvious reasons.

Rev - I'll never tell. BTW, what's the best lotion for chafing? Just curious.

RevRee said...

I've heard Neutrogena Body Lotion works pretty well... it says

"this whisper-light lotion glides on easily and allows skin to breathe, leaving it irresistibly soft and supple..."

mmmm how nice is that?

GirlGoyle said...

You frigging kill me. I'm LMAO

But let me warn you...I'm not that easy to "bind to a contract" if you know what I mean.

puerileuwaite said...

Well Rev, quite frankly I don't mind the "irresistibly supple" part. If irresistible means that my sex pistol becomes a powerful electromagnet that attracts women to it like iron shavings, then I say "hell, yeah"!

On the other hand, just how "soft" are we talkin'? "Night of whiskey drinking" soft? "That's okay, this just wasn't your night. I bet normally you're a tiger." soft? Or just soft enough to still give pleasure, but not leave marks?

And, pray tell, WTF does "whisper light" mean? Usually, whispering around my naughty bits is NOT a good thing. It means either the girl is schizophrenic, or there's an extra midget in the room.

However, I do like the word "glide". To me it conveys both personal comfort and no damage to wood floors.

I shall try your lotion if the need "arises".

puerileuwaite said...

GG - in your case I'm willing to insert a "Golden Handcuffs" clause.

leelee said...

I knew it..I just knew it...and yet...I did have to click on Dycks link....I had to...

DykesDog said...

All this talk about you guys getting laid and masturbation make me wonder if Sherb Noble, the founder of Dairy Queen, used to wonder why his milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard?

DykesDog said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
RevRee said...

puerileuwaitefsdoriysfhk, Shut Up! Just shut up! You had me at "just soft enough to still give pleasure, but not leave marks"

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I know, I know. The Clown's links are fatal car wrecks that you shouldn't look at, but you do anyway.

Dykesdog - I didn't get the Dairy Queen reference (Did they pull an "American Pie" stunt on the milkshake?). This may be due to my innocence and naivete. Please elaborate* (* which rhymes with masturbate, BTW).

Rev - Can I let the world know that I "had" you? Not that I'm one to boast and brag, but intimacy with a woman IS something to shout from the rooftops.

DykesDog said...

ohhh no worries, Puggy, it is a lame song my adult CHILDREN listen to! Have a good night ... oh and BTW Mighty Dyck is posting hidden porn on your site. shhhhhhhhh he has to do it here because he is being Mr. Nice over at his place!

puerileuwaite said...

Hidden porn? Well I sure hope it doesn't offend my readers. Wait, did I REALLY just write THAT?

RevRee said...

you're a poet, and you didn't know it...

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Oh, I know it alright. My Longfellow was a sure tip off.

RevRee said...

I was curious, are you a "long fellow"?...

Party Girl said...

Sooooo, what's that plan called? I think I need to change carriers.

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - If I were to simply tell you, then where would the suspense be in finding out for yourself?

Yours truly,
Long John Silver

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl - I call it the "Hot Mamas Orgasmic" Plan. I am the sole provider. But please don't refer to me as a "Carrier", because I am worried that it will scare away business.

Mayden's Voyage said...

How on earth do I comment on this one? There are so many things I could say- but nope...I don't think so.

Chris said...

What's the copay on that second plan?

RevRee said...

Dear Long John Silver,

I was wondering if your hush puppies were fresh or are they freeze dried?

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Excellent question, m'lady. They're battered repeatedly and then iced.

puerileuwaite said...

Oops, pardon me. I replied out of order.

FM - That's okay. I understand.

Chris - As you'd expect, the copay is not cheap. But at least you have 2-options. It's $100 in-clinic, but only $25 in the alley behind the clinic.

jmeped said...

What if one just wants a sponge bath?

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, I'll be right over. Call me Bob, and don't make fun of my square pants!

doggerelblogger said...

And the nurses in that well-funded medical system would be paid $500,000/year

puerileuwaite said...

Doggerel - Good point. With an ingenious HMO like this one, we all come out as winners.

James Burnett said...

Damn you United Health Care!

RevRee said...

Boy, I could really go for some Hush Puppies right about now...

puerileuwaite said...

James - First of all, welcome! I damn United Health Care in your honor.

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - In tribute to you (and also because the topic of hush puppies has been on my mind - as well -since you mentioned them earlier), for our mutual pleasure here are the song lyrics for "Hush" by Deep Purple. I hope you enjoy them, for they are relevant to our situation.

***

I got a certain little girl
she's on my mind

No doubt about it
she looks so fine

She's the best girl that I ever had
Sometimes she's gonna make me feel so bad

Na na na na, na na na, na na na

Hush, hush
I thought I heard her calling my name now

Hush, hush
She broke my heart but I love her just the same now

Hush, hush
Thought I heard her calling my name now

Hush, hush
I need her loving and I'm not to blame now

(love, love)
They got it early in the morning

(love, love)
They got it late in the evening

(love, love)
Well, I want that, need it

(love, love)
Oh, I gotta gotta have it

She's got loving like quicksand
Only took one touch of her hand

To blow my mind and I'm in so deep
That I can't eat and I can't sleep

Na na na na, na na na, na na na

(Repeat, then rinse)

RevRee said...

puerileuwaitefiosyrsjfd, that was beautiful! I'm actually kinda speechless, that was so wonderful!

Please don't tell me you're turning in to a sensitive male like dyckerson?...

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - No worries there. Mighty D is unique. And if this routine gets him some booty, he's a genius as well.

RevRee said...

Didn't you have a new post up earlier? OR am I slowly going insane?...

puerileuwaite said...

Damn, Rev, you are GOOD. I did, ever so briefly, late last night. But I decided not to use it. Stay tuned for another post, *hopefully* later on today.

Party Girl said...

No problem. I like how, 'provider' sounds.

As in, orgasm provider.

Has a nice ring to it.

I think that will become my new blog name. Orgasm Provider.

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl, I would like to be the first customer of that new blog ;-)

Little Lamb said...

Where can I get a puppy?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, are you really looking for a puppy? What kind?

Little Lamb said...

A pug

Little Lamb said...

I want to cuddle with my puppy

puerileuwaite said...

Whoa! Are you hittin' on me? I likey! (Even though I'm a playa)

puerileuwaite said...

I'm just happy to have you back, my dear lamb friend.

Little Lamb said...

You can have whoever you want, but I want you to want me too. We're all blogging friends. And it should be that way and stay that way.

Little Lamb said...

Yes, I am hitting on you.

jmeped said...

Geez, I thought I was M.I.A. you live here and the posts are sparse. Do you need inspiration? Here I'll give you some topics; my new found love for Led Zeppelin, how your so in awe of my beauty, your fetish for live stock, and side show acts, Paris Hilton and all other celebutaunts, Global warming, the war in Iraq, and how one can survive on ice cream alone. Last but not least famous movie quotes from several movies that make up one new Pug production.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, "I Want You To Want Me" is a Cheap Trick song that your comment reminded me of. Your flirting was cute, and you are a valued member of my blog harem. Or posse, if you prefer.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, stay tuned for a custom-designed post just for you.

Little Lamb said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Little Lamb said...

So you're not going to flirt back? (cries)

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, you look very HOT in that wool. En fuego, baby. Ooh, it makes me feel warm inside. (How was that?)

Little Lamb said...

Too late

puerileuwaite said...

D'oh!