May God bless us, every one. Except for Lamby.
I'm kidding, of course. If anyone is deserving of God's blessing, it's Lamby. What, being Republican, and all.
Still kidding (except about Lamby being deserving).
But I digress.
Yes, unfortunately it is that time of year again. A time to empty your wallets so that they match your hearts. A time to stock up on booze as you anticipate the next invasion of humanoids whose DNA, alas, too closely resembles your own. A time to cruelly be reminded that brains don't always "run in the family". A time to curse Little Orphan Annie, Bruce Wayne, Oliver Twist and yes, even Tom Hanks' "Castaway" character, for their good fortune.
"Why so cynical, pug?" .... you may be wondering ... "What if you need a kidney (or liver) someday? After all, it's the circle of life. They drain you of it. Then help to extend it (and add to your guilt) via timely transplant.". Sorry gang, but for once I'm one step ahead of you. No family for the holidays means no need to drink heavily (okay, you caught me: no need to drink QUITE as heavily). Hence, no need for organ spares as a result.
But this post isn't about get-togethers with family (or even friends ... assuming any of you have REAL* [* bloggers don't count, since the reason most of us are here in the first place is because we're incapable of bonding with "real" people] ones). It's about AVOIDING (or better yet: REPELLING) them through the use of a time-tested pre-emptive measure: the "Holiday Letter".
My inspiration this time was an insert in last Saturday's paper, entitled "The List: A Manual For Holiday Shopping". Contained therein are several recipes* (* What? No "Reefer Brownies"? Bah! Humbug!), along with multiple articles chock full of great advice for Christmas-related tasks. And, to my surprise, there were a "few" advertisements as well. I have to give the Devil her due: it was extremely well-done. So much so, that I've read much of it already!
Anyhoo, one article in particular captured my interest. It addressed the sorely neglected topic of holiday form letters, and specifically: what NOT to include. But the problem I have is that their example featured a letter written by a ficticious* (* At least I HOPE they were ficticious, because these rich bastards went on 5-f*cking vacations and garnered 3-promotions between them during the past 12-months. Assh*les. At least I probably m*sturbated more. So stroke THIS, you jet setting, most-likely Hummer-owning, never use your brand new turn signal {so you KNOW that they work!], m*therf*ckers!) family.
But let's face it: most of us are middle-class (lower than that, for some of you) schmucks. Where is OUR "Holiday Letter" advice? Well, allow me. The following is my FICTICIOUS example form letter, with helpful criticism and advice in parathentheses.
***
Happy Holidays!
(Way too enthusiastic. They will know you've upped your Prozac dosage.)
What a year 2006 was for the Smith family! We had our share of tragedies and triumphs.
(No one cares about your triumphs.)
Our son Paul turned 24 in February, and despite being the target of frequent gang rapes, he is hopeful that, as a model prisoner, he will qualify for early release.
(Way too specific. Instead, consider this alternative: "Our son Paul turned 24 in February. He is very popular with his peers, and seems to be the center of attention wherever he goes. He is very focused on an early graduation.")
Our daughter Priscilla turned 18 in July and we are optimistic that DUI's and drug abuse are finally out of her system. After several months of house arrest, including the wearing of a tracking monitor on her ankle, and frequent visits from her parole officer, she is slowly returning to reality.
(Again, there's no need to get explicit. People have short attention spans, so you need to keep it equally short and sweet. Try reworking it as follows: "Our daughter Priscilla turned 18 in July and we are looking forward to new horizons for her. We love having her around the house. Our baby is growing up. She enjoys fashionable and functional jewelry, and her best friend (who we always set out an extra plate for) is a perfect role model and is like a daughter to us.")
Peter still is an Account Manager with Toilet Cozies, Inc., despite his subpar performance and sexual harassment of clients. His chronic alcoholism appears to be under control, and we're relieved that the latest paternity test was negative. We knew the bitch was lying.
(Keep it light. Perhaps it would read better as follows: "Peter's tenacity in Sales is as strong as ever. We admire his ability to thrive under the most adverse conditions. Things are looking up for him these days.")
Pam's addictions to painkillers and compulsion for engaging in extra-marital affairs finally seem to be in the past. She goes to treatment twice a week, and we drive her everywhere she needs to go. Though she continues to be withdrawn and unrepentent, we remain hopeful that divorce can be avoided.
(Consider a wee bit of wordsmithing, such as: "Pam is currently pushing herself in a new direction. She's really getting into her adult coursework, and we are happy just to be along for the ride. Her present routine leaves little free time for family interaction, but of course love means never having to say you're sorry. We have each other, and that's what matters.")
In October, Peter made some ill-advised bets and ran afoul of the mob. His arm was broken as a warning, and Pam was forced (back) into prostitution in order to pay off some of the debt. Since there is no way we can possibly repay those animals, we have no choice but to take it on the lam and find safe haven somewhere. So we may be out of touch for quite some time.
(How about: As fall approached we realized it was time to tighten our belts. But at the same time it dawned on us that we were overdue for some time away. As such, we are making plans for an extended sabbatical so that we can travel and spend quality time with our friends. For those of you that we don't get to see, rest assured that you are in our thoughts, and we will be in touch real soon!")
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Love,
Peter, Pam, Paul and Priscilla
***
Happy Holidays, everybody!
I sincerely hope this exercise has been of value to you as you ruminate over your own holiday correspondence. And my apology if this form letter is precariously close to your own realities. All the best to you and yours this holiday season!
.
71 comments:
Thank gawd you posted this! This advice is going to come in handy while I am in Iraq and have to send out a mass "Merry Christmas" e-mail.
That's the spirit, Pud! Glad to be of service, cutie.
It's funny. We get those every year from people I don't even remember meeting. I keep meaning to read those, but somehow never ger around to reading them for some unknown reason.
Gosh, P....did I inadvertantly send you OUR family holiday latter last year?? I mean you copied it pracically verbatum except you changed the mnames...ooops...have I said too much??
Ha....really well done...gosh I hate those flippin'letters...I figure if we haven't spoken for a year..or more....niether of the parties are really interested in what the other is up too...right? Or have I jumped on the wagon of cynicism with you?
/bark bark bark
dont worry about the organs PW they'll be growin' on the back of lamby soon, so g'head and flip off the family just like mike vick! grrherhaha
almost as annoying as the form letter is the christmas card photo of the family in christmas regalia (please God somebody burn all those sweaters with the little snowmen on them) before a roaring fire, the stockings hanging above....
a few years back we made our own family portrait. it read merry christmas from our cars.....they were all pulled out, waxed and wearing santa caps.
that's right, were the selfish pricks that had no children. merry christmas!
/grrrr
/bark bark bark
btw, nice legs pud.
/grrr
.t/ - "we're all adapting nicely to our new circumstances here, we have each other and that's all that matters, so, all best of the season to you and yours!"
OMG, friend, I had no idea how bad things were up there. Sheesh, it's like "Twin Peaks - North". Hang in there! Oh, and try the pie along with the damned good coffee.
***
Lamby - We? We?! Please tell me you're schizophrenic (and confirm my suspicions). I'd hate to find out there's a poacher (other than /t.) in your pasture.
***
Leelee - I regret nothing. Except the ONE mistake I made in writing the letter. Can you guess what it was? Okay, I'll tell you: I forgot to write it in the 3rd person, for MAXIMUM annoyance.
I have a friend from childhood who sends me a holiday form letter every year, and it's always written in 3rd person format.
It makes me wonder if I could get away with sending him an explosive package with a card written likewise. That way it'll throw the authorities off: "Wait, hold on, it's NOT from this guy ... it's from a THIRD person referring to this guy. Oh, geez, this is gonna be a tough case to crack."
***
k9 - You're dead on. I HATE those f*cking pictures of families in their dorky sweaters.
My theory?
Truman Capote got it all wrong. The family's Christmas photo wound up in the mailbox of someone who'd been pushed to the edge from years of exposure to family XMAS sweater shots. Despite the additional trauma of having to travel to Kansas, the man felt he had to do something. I certainly do not condone this type of response, but I can understand the stress that can trigger it. Yet, no one ever blames the sweater manufacturers.
If you can find a suitable photo, send me one and I'll add it to THIS post (as long as I can't get sued!).
***
Bella - You said "unit". And I'm sure I would. Heck, I wouldn't even need a gift. I'd be happy just to play with an empty box.
Leelee - Never mind. I DID write it in the 3rd person. Sorry. I'm just not myself today!
/bark bark bark
PW; it doesnt get more perfect than this! go pick it up and use it to post..guaranteed lawsuit free!
the christmas pug
/grrrr
Thanks k9. I knew I could count on you, buddy.
I'll let you decide what I mean by "we." But keep in mind, you could be wrong.
hmmm.....
now I know how to decifer all those cards I get.
It's like a secret decoder ring right here.
Cool.
Love that sweater pug pic. Way better then any shit my mom tries to match us all up in every year.
Do I see a PUG in a fashionable holiday sweater?
I must admit..I am not a fan of those knitted wonders, but doesn't puggy look too cute for words..even a christmas sweater
LeeLee...
Here's pug in his natural state. Oh wait, sorry... this is the actual footage.
oh and that sweater is proof that pug has a heart at christmas.
:D
Pug-
I was pretty sure you'd send a card with a little turd inside...
You wouldn't even have to sign it! We'd know it was from you! LOL~ I'm teasing...
I think it would be better to create a letter and cut it up like a puzzle that everyone had to put together in order to read it- but mix up pieces of one letter with another letter- so none of the puzzles would actually work-
And be sure to have scandalous stuff on one part- but then they'd never know how it all ended. :)
(umm- the writer in me is a scary thing :)
I hate to admit to how many times I've wondered who you actually are and if the people around you would be surprised by your blog.
My luck would be that you are actually my brother...and then nothing would surprise me at all-
:)
Lamby - Okay, I'll take a guess. Your mom or sister lives with you. Am I right?
***
Mel - Thanks. But as much as I'd like to steal the credit, it was k9 who provided the picture. Ask your mom for a bunny costume with a trap door. We could have fun with that one.
***
Leelee - Cute yes, but would it pass the "crap on your carpet" test? Would it STILL be cute then?
***
FM - I love your puzzle letter idea. Every post and comment brings you closer to my way of thinking. By 2008, I'll have you voting for Democrats.
And no, I'm not your brother, but I would still enjoy giving you a noogie or two.
Yes, most people would be surprised by my blog, because only you lucky devils get consistent glimpses of the real me. This is the essence unmasked. So enjoy!
Thanks for wondering, and letting me know that you do. If made me smile.
***
Bella - You can be honest. It's my man boobs. They look hot in a sweater.
Mel - You took the time to find THREE different clips? SOMEBODY likes me! SOMEBODY likes me! Admit it, you WANT me ...
P - I think I could handle the crap on the carpet...so long as it was your pug and your rug...
Mel - Those were adorable...I really enjoyed the Homeless Pug...it brought a tear to my eye..almost.. Thanks!!
Buckled - Love the splashy comment. But I thought the Jets ceased to be after they left Winnipeg (can't say I blame them ... WINNIPEG? ... WTF?). Do you have any musical with Coyotes in it? After all, I AM in "The Great Southwest".
As far as gang involvement goes, I'm not very good with a knife, but I can sing and dance a little.
Welcome back, my friend. I'm glad that you've decided to keep the blog going. I'll stop by (let's all pay doggerelblogger a visit and say "howdy!").
***
Leelee - So ... disappointing. I thought you were invested in this relationship. Is that the way it's gonna be? "Yours and mine" instead of "ours"?
Well that might be the way they do it in Jersey, but here in "The Great Southwest", we're in it together. Every day we make time to listen to "We Too Are One" by "The Eurythmics" just to ensure we're all rowing in the same direction.
Pug, what can I say...except...I don't feel I have YOUR full commitment...so how can I take on your Pug and your rug too?
And what to do about my pesky family...what with the holidays and all...I just don't see it happening, it will have to remain yours and mine dear P...perhaps in another life...another time.....~sigh~
Hey~how do you politely say that Grampa has been eating too much cranberry sauce again and is now staring thru the neighbors windows late at night?
Leelee - Well if that's the way it has to be, then I'm movin' on to Pud. Perhaps I can get her to commit before she leaves for Iraq.
***
Pud - Might I suggest 2-methods:
1) "Gramps, come over here. I want to show you my blog."
or
2) "Gramps, you'll have to wear pants if you want to stand in front of the window."
Hope this helped, sexy.
Is that sweater flame retardant? I don't want you getting overheated.
Do they come in a size 1000 XXX?
Silly Pug,
I found Leelee 3 links (and uhm technically they're all one site so...)
oh wait. Sorry. I do believe my response was supposed to be:
Yes, take me now!!
Thanks Mel!
:-)
Jmeped - Along with missing your daily presence, I'v also missed anecdotes about the Fluffinator.
How 'bout borrowing from my post letter and mentioning that you'll "be taking some time away to recharge, and will be out of touch for awhile".
In other words, the same crap you pulled on us! ;-)
***
DD - I'm lucky if the materials it was made from aren't hazardous. With my luck, they probably got it off of a cadaver. That along with my usual hotness is why I prefer to go "au naturale". Plus it saves valuable time when one of you ladies pay me a visit.
***
Mel - Congrats on the sucessful completion of Step-1: ADMITTING you have an addiction. Now let do something about the swelling.
I think Pam and Peter live next door to me. last year when we took down our Xmas tree I laid it out on the floor, then had the wife take a picture of me strangling our son for knocking it over. Guess what our card is this year?
Honey, I'm home!!!
Jmeped - Thanks for the sweater offer. I never turn down free shag, er, swag. Not to worry about my safety though. We pugs are the pirahnas of the canine world. Grrrrrrrr!
***
Limpy - I like the way you think, cowboy. The XMAS picture is an excellent idea. It'd be cool to see it, if you could post it (obscuring faces, of course, so that the CPS (Child Protective Services) folks don't get over-zealous).
***
Rev - Always good to see you. Hope things are going well!
***
Girlgoyle - Thank you for the kind words. I am glad that the picture (courtesy of my friend k9) brightened you day. We pugs are cute.
And no. I'm happy to report that the family depicted in the letter IS not anything like mine. Not to say we don't have the occasional alcoholic or eccentric, though. Every family seems to have at least one of each.
I usually get one hoiday letter per XMAS. Count your blessings if you don't. I think their generic formality is insulting and irritating. If you care enough to send a card, take the time to jot off a quick, PERSONAL paragraph or two, Emily Post. Oh, and you're definitely NOT a loser, babe,
***
Bella - As always, THANKS. You're THE best.
Did you ever get a magnet?
(Lady of Perpetual Blogging- K9's August 18th post)
Your pic is on my fridge- do you realize that? Right up there with the kids, nephews, a few cows, and most of the letters of the alphabet-
Pug- we are practically family! :)
Merry Christmas! :)
FM - No, I didn't get one. But that's okay, since I don't own anything metal that I can stick it on. The picture itself works for me, since I can use it with my screensaver.
Oh, and I like that we're practically family. I'm assuming I'll be able to enjoy the customary perks, such as being over for dinner on the holidays, and borrowing money. Thanks! Merry Christmas to you, FM.
***
/t. - Say it ain't so. It's obvious that you've turned to steroids in order to inflate your appeal. But is it worth the damage to your health, and the resulting ineligibilty for the Blogger Hall of Fame? Besides, you won't age well, and in a few years you will look just like Dr. Smith from the original "Lost In Space" TV series. Just say no.
(p.s. - Secret Agents aren't - for some reason -supposed to let people know that they're Secret Agents.)
Whew! We dodged a bullet there, my stealthy (and ... strangely enough, handsome to many women) friend.
As long as none of the bad guys read your previous comment, your secret identity should remain safely intact.
Bella - This is why I had to give up drinking.
Just kidding! I still drink (in moderation, of course). Scared you, didn't I?
But I DID have to give up the group I used to drink with. Sitting on Santa's lap is just a small fraction of the shit they were into.
I'm so glad to have found "normal" "friends" here in the wonderful world of blogging. Love* back at ya, babe.
(*the clean kind where no exchange of cash or begging is required, unless we both decide that's what WE want)
Best to you too, my guy.
Enemy - Thanks.
Bella - Not hardly. Thank God. But I DO get to deal with very delightful (and understanding) clients. Just like a prostitute.
puggy, I shouldn't ask you this or pester you about this...but I'm going to. What the heck. Oh maybe not...All right I will ask.
When are you going to do a new post?
It's ok if you say, Lamby, when I come up with something.
So, pug when?
Lamby - Thanks for caring enough to ask. I've got my hands full dealing with other things right now. As I'm going through a bit of burn-out, I'm lucky to just be able to comment here and there. I want to get back to posting, and have a few ideas, but have little time or energy to do a proper post at present. Hopefully tomorrow ...
So. do you look hot in a skirt?
Well in that case, I DEFINITELY would enjoy watching her jump rope. It would even make my own heart skip a beat. I no longer can separate Lamby from other erotic thoughts. Up with miniskirts!
Busy, busy, busy. Such is life, pug. It happens.
Don't know if I look hot in a skirt or not. You can imagine that I do. I may look hot in a skirt.
You better check out what's going on at Codepo() with the comments. I don't want to gossip but...
Lamby - What kind of skirts do you wear? I need more detail if I'm to be accurate in my chasing.
/bark bark bark
that would be the paste eaters uniform. plaid.
/grrr
k9 - Well in that case, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are right. I suppose Catholic school girls DO rule. And as long as paste doesn't lead to "other" substances, I guess I'm okay with it.
/bark bark bark
paste eating helps food stick to your ribs and allows for better uptake of the "other".. however psyllium husks may be required post paste for authentic religious experiences
/howl
sometimes I think my skirts are too short when I sit down
k9 - I have a feelin' that Lamby is way ahead of us on the "uptake".
***
/t. - Okay, if that's all that you want. I'm sure I can return the Rolex.
***
Lamby - Just leave the thinking to us. Have we let you down yet with that approach? WE'LL let you know when your skirts are too short (We'll shout out, "Hey is THAT Willie Nelson?!". That will be our discrete code phrase, my little Q-Tip of Passion).
Anything you say, pug. ;)
pug, I like the pug in the Christmas sweater. It looks cute.
P..you are too funny!
Bella - That was good stuff. Thank God I only have to compete with him for one month out of every year. Otherwise I'd never get any "presents".
***
Lamby - Do you think my sweater's too short? Can you see too much of my naughty bits? I'd tell you ...
***
Leelee - Well, good morning, sunshine!
good morning...er.. afternoon puggy dahling! Thanks for the morning giggle.
No, pug, you can't see a lot of naughty bits in the sweater picture. Well, maybe a little.
Leelee - That's why they pay me. Oh, wait. They don't. Bastards!
***
/t. - Gigging at night, giggling married women in the AM. Such is the life for us Blog Stars.
***
Lamby - Leave it to you to actively look. What a perv!
pug, you asked. I had to look. I had no choice in the matter.
Lamby - Will you do WHATEVER I ask you to do?
***
/t. - That's because Lamby WANTS me. What has fur, thumbs, and is the object of Lamby's lust? *Makes gesture with both thumbs pointed at self* THIS pug!
Oh crap. I just realized we pugs don't have thumbs. Oh well. Maybe Lamby will be way too intoxicated with desire to notice ...
/t. I did look. We'll leave it at that. I will say pug is cute and cuddly, and fun to hug.
Pug will I do whatever you ask me? Well now that depends on what you ask.
Lamby - Since when did love become conditional? Was there a new release I was unaware of?
hi P...you've been tagged
go to http://leasaann.blogspot.com/2006/12/6-weird-things-about-me.html
It depends pug.
Leelee - This is why you are my bestest blog bud. Did you know that you are the first one to ever tag me? You know what this means, don't you? Do I even have to utter the words? Okay, I will. It makes me your "Backup Husband". I gladly accept your tag, beautiful.
***
Lamby - I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me. Tell me the dependencies, so that I too may become your dependent (and later on ... who knows? perhaps a defendant ...).
Oh P....I am so flattered...words cannot express the joy and peace of mind I have knowing you are my back-up husband...now...where did I leave that arsenic...it' won't be long now Puggy!!!
Leelee - I'm not sure which is more disturbing, your apparent willingness to "off" your husband, or your cruel use of sarcasm on yours truly (I suspect ... the later).
Either way, I take solace in the knowledge that soon we shall be together, and that my charm and unpredictability will captivate you to the extent that this poisoning will likely be a one-time offense (and therefore only a misdemeanor in the "Sunshine" state).
Stay tuned for my six weird thongs, er, things!
Oh my, what a bit of wit, sarcasm and tagging can do for a girl's ego...of course I was being flip about offing my husband..It would never happen...and strangely I do find inner peace knowing that if something WERE to happen to him, you'd be there for "The Widda leelee"...ah P if the fates had only played our way...who knows...we might have been together for real...heck, a girl can dream can't she? (honestly no sarcasm here...oh have I said too much???)
/t, what could you possibly be jealous of??..all is fun in blogland..we're one big happy fun and frolicking family.
/t. - I hear that north of the border, toilet flushes swirl in the opposite direction. So who am I to judge?
***
Leelee - There is nothing flip about offing the hubby. It requires careful planning. Besides, as an addict of Cold Case Files, it would be MY dream to be on an episode: "Gee, Mr. Kurtis, I never thought Leelee would actually go through with it. But of course, she IS a Jersey Girl, so I should've known ...".
again with the jersey girl reference? What is it about jersey????
Leelee - Just teasin'. I was looking to diffuse the romantic tension after your "true confession" comment. I'm STILL blushing (and honored).
But no time to dwell on emotions ... I've got a U-Haul to pack! Fresh oranges, here I come!
And for the record, I LIKE New Jerseyans and New Yorkers. I get off on their frankness and speech patterns. Do you have the accent? Because that would be icing on the cake.
well P...I Do have an accent...born and raised 14 miles from Manhattan, how could I not? It's mellowed a bit after living in FLA for the last 15 years..but the moment I get off (awf) the plane at EWR...it's as if I never left!!
:-)
Someday it'll be a kick to hear it.
:-)
referencebad aliens bishops piano argues melody buridanin wgbh overlooked actor minimization
lolikneri havaqatsu
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