Hi everybody,
Okay, so I've been slackin' much more than even by my own pathetic standards. But I know I haven't been (and won't be) getting any sympathy from you people. I get the message. In fact, I have a fittingly pathetic anecdote that reinforces it. Here goes.
A few years back, I was looking to sell a couple of exotic birds that proved unamusing within 2-days of original acquisition. Turns out exotic birds are like fruitcakes (which probably explains why it's ONLY fruitcakes who can enjoy their company for longer than the aformentioned 2-days). There's the original purchase, and then the inevitable never-ending quest for the next owner/victim, usually in the form of a "gift".
Anyhow, I posted an ad in the paper, with an "attractive" price for quick sale. Attractive being - of course - a misnomer, since anyone with common sense wouldn't be interested even if the price was FREE, and the bottom of the cage was littered with five dollar bills.
It was during this period of irrational belief in the value of exotic birds, and irrational optimism in the sanity of "bird buffs", that I foolishly and anxiously waited for my phone to ring with excited offers.
Okay. Let me cut to the chase. After all, this is only supposed to be an anecdote. I received a total of two calls. One was from a guy apparently just coming down from a Rubbing Alcohol binge (probably "sans-pants" and wondering if I'd throw in a roll of duct tape); and the next and final ringy-dingy was from a lady who - at first - sounded reasonably normal.
But then she made me realize that perhaps the "Birdman of Alcatraz" had a daughter who somehow up to this point managed to "fly the coop" and elude authorities. Again, since this is only an anecdote, I'll spare you the sordid details of our "convo", other then it wrapped up with the following exchange.
Lady Bird: "Why are you getting rid of them?"
World Weary Pug: "Because I don't have the time for them."
Lady Bird: "You have to MAKE the time."
World Weary Pug: "Huh?"
And so, the same irritating message that made me want to give that nutjob a "bird of a different feather", somehow reaches across the years to the present. And though no less irritating, it does unfortunately ring true in the case of my posting. Indeed, I have to MAKE the time. Because after all, who knows? Lady Bird may be one of you people.
Stay tuned next time for my "Interview with the (Cruel) Virgin", as part of my "Salute to Virgins and the Fleeting Nature of Their Existence" series!
.
71 comments:
seems you are still posting on this 3+ part series of virgins... giving and taking propositions... virgins... seems Freud would have a field day with you dear dawg!
Looking forward to your interview with Enemy! =]
LOL!
I love how you tell such a tale as to why you don't post regularly.
Wow! I've missed you!
Kate - Freud would never get to see another patient. Nor would he want to!
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Pud!!! - How ARE you? I've missed you! Are you still over there? Or are you home safe? Let me know, babe.
Pud - My bad. I just spotted your new post. I'm off again to finish reading it!
WOW! Lady bird could be one of us! Ok, fess up! Who is it?
So Pud has returned to her blogging buddies. Nice to see you again.
Hmmm, Lamby ... who could it be, indeed. You don't own any birds, do you? Nah, didn't think so.
birds, yep
and lambs, dogs, fish,
and most animals generally
all clowns and most people, too
but birds especially
*nod to pud*
/t.
If you lived in New Jersey, I could get a new home for the bird no problem.
For real.
Oh Pug! That was HEEEELARIOUS! I used to volunteer out at Alcatraz. The Birdman of Alcatraz was such a pyschopath they actually kept him isolated in the "hospital." Creepy. It was supposed to be haunted. When they let the volunteers spend the night over there, I was going to sleep in the hospital but I got too scared in the night. I ran downstairs and slept in a cell or tried to sleep. Those volunteer snored like a freight train and it echoed off the walls.
I'm pretty sure from that last comment that Corn Dog is lady bird ;)
But I also suspect this is Pugsy's way of giving all us impatients out there the bird
(bad dog)
:)
xx
pinks
You do have an oven, don't you?
You could have gotten rid of the birds and had a nice cozy dinner for two in one fell swoop.
STOMP.
Puggles! Enjoyed this read..but then I enjoy them all..
You know what they say "A bird in hand..is worth two in the bush" I never quite understood that..what are they planning on doing with the bird in hand. ~shrug~
HUGGLES!
OH and PUD! YO welcome back girly!
Hi Everybody!
Nice to see all of you again!
Aaaat laaaaaast...
Oh, no wait, that's a song. You don't want me to sing. But geez, a new post. After all this time! Even if it is the bird. Funny story, though. Every bird lady I've ever known has been raving bonkers. I don't know what that's all about. So, virgins, huh?:-)
My sister used to have a bird.
/t. - Since you didn't mention the bees, I'm assuming you're okay with them.
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Maven - What are we talkin'? Under the Endzone in Giants Stadium? At the bottom of a lake tied to a cinderblock? If so, I like the way you think, lady.
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Corn Dog - It's the first time I've heard of inmates referring to themselves as "volunteers". But from the stories I've seen and read, nothing was unusual on "The Rock". Did the Birdman love birds because he was psycho, or was he psycho because he loved birds? I guess we'll never know.
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Pinks - You may have a point about Corn Dog. She DOES fit the "profile", as follows:
1) Resides in the Bay Area;
2) Female;
3) Tolerant husband;
4) Disintegrating lingerie;
5) Bay Area resident;
6) Frequents OUR blogs;
7) Seems fond of us <-> takes in strays;
8) A resident of the Bay Area.
Regarding your accusation ... (*turns to run, realizes there's no point in running*) ...
***
Scary - Actually I DID think of that. But then I remembered the last time I tried to cook a turkey on LSD (Imitating Groucho: "How the turkey got the LSD, I'll never know!), and well, let me just say that SOME Urban Legends ARE based on true events.
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Leelee - Don't I know it. I rented those 2-movies! I'm wasn't too thrilled with "A Bird in the Hand". Big deal. It was early, so it got the worm. Boring.
But "Two in the Bush" made up for it with the acrobatics alone. Not to mention that any authentic bush sighting these days is worth the price or emission, er, admission.
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Pud - I just want you to know that I tied a yellow ribbon around my oak "tree" in your honor. But it started chafing, so I keep it in a drawer. So now I just have a big yellow "Support My Pud" sticker on my car. People have been leaving coins on my trunk when I park. I hope that's okay.
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Serena - You left out the 2nd line: "My Pug has come along."
And to the contrary: I DO want you to sing to me. Simply substitute the word "love" in any song with "Pug", and presto!
And let's not let the v-word come between us. We'll use the "3-second rule" for that condition, just like when food is dropped on the floor.
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Lamby - "Used to"? What happened? Please tell me you didn't cook it.
you aint seen nothin til a chicks on a muffin...a dookie like a brick to the floors the shyt will stick...the hens gotta lay...the screamin makes me pay...fussy ass hens bitchin loudly night and day...someone keeps asking: how long these girls will live?...seems like forever hell let's stick 'em with a shiv...the dirty filthy hens tearing up the filthy pen...i spent 3.50 didnt know the trouble then....feathers on the floor oh hell you know the score...birds are a bitch i say buy them nevermore!
No, I didn't cook it, I don't know what happened.
She - When you put it that way, birds don't seem appealling at all.
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Lamby - Didn't they do an autopsy? I need closure.
Pug-Birds suck. What were you thinking? What's next? Sea monkeys?
Pugsy - where you going to run? Lambie shuts off her computer at night.
We're trapped.
xx
pinks
To my knowledge, no, pugs. I think the bird could have just dropped dead.
You're right, Puggy, I did leave out the crucial line. Mea culpa. But I'm still singing. "Someone to Pug Over Me." "Puggy Weather." "I Want to Know What Pug Is."
I'm so glad you agree to the 3-second rule. You are so chivalrous.:)
I used to have a few cocks.
Sassy - No, definitely NOT sea monkeys! Ever since the infamous "confusing the packet of sea monkeys with a packet of hot chocolate mix" incident, I've sworn off instant pets. "Just add water", my ass!
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Pinks - Maybe if we give it a virus, we can escape. I heard you can get "Cherpes" from birds, and that it's untweetable. (*Drumroll + Snare* Thank you! I'll be here all week!)
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Lamby - I've seen many a "Forensic Files" or "The Investigators" episode where allegedly that's what happened. And it always turns out to be murder. In Florida. And usually it's a female. I would just feel a tad more "comfortable" with autopsy results.
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Serena - You left out one of my favorites: "Pug is the Drug". And countless others.
Sure, chivalry does have a little to do with it. But also, if a female is willing to do the nasty on the floor for at least 3-seconds, who am I to question her purity?
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Mighty D - If you had three, your pants could fit like a glove! (*Drumroll + Snare* Thank you! I'll be here all week!)
er, i shouldnt have bitchtressed
about my shytresses
those feathered girls is my mistresses
er er er er errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
my grandmother had a myna bird that would pivot on her perch so as to shyt straight out onto the wall. true story.
no. seriously. i like birds. wild free birds.
come by the yard puerileuwaite i want you to see my slideshow from the marilyn manson concert.
Here I thought I blogged and harassed you anonymously but yet you managed to discover my true identity...i am the bird woman! How did you know? And while I have been discovered I will inform you that payback is a bitch. Those birdies drove me to insanity so much so that I bit their heads off a-la-Ozzy Osbourne and now it's your turn my pretty!
We'd only get out if Lambie took mercy and called us an ambulance.
Besides, we might be robin her of data. She'd probably be falcon mean after that.
If it makes you feel any better, my sister doesn't live in Florida.
My floors are usually pretty nasty. Doesn't mean I ain't pure.:)
Oh, the interview. Almost forgot. Listen, leave the birds, take the cannolis. Those critters live close to 80 years. Who the hell will take care of them.
"I heard you can get "Cherpes" from birds, and that it's untweetable. (*Drumroll + Snare* Thank you! I'll be here all week!)"
I'm so glad I have one of the best tables in the house...this stuff is priceless
She - Birds ARE vindictive little S.O.B.'s. I think they even crap on cars on purpose.
Okay. I'll be right over after I'm done watching "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" and "Helter Skelter" on Tivo.
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Girlgoyle - Protocol dictates that you kill my pet rabbit first, my little Fatal Attraction.
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Pinks - Knowing Lamby, she probably has us in there RIGHT NEXT to her vast collection of Republican propaganda.
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Lamby - Actually it DOESN'T make me feel better. If the problem was contained to Florida, we could pull a Lorena Bobbitt and lop it off at the state line.
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Serena - Well in that case, I'd better bring my "Swiffer" and my "Roomba".
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Enemy - Who will take care of them? Natural predators, and quickly, if I have my way.
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Leelee - Actually, I'm embarassed by my bad musical grammar. It's *Drumroll + Crash*. I'll undersand if you slink off to one of the tables in the back. Here, I'll join you.
So you think the bird was murdered? Who do you think murdered my sister's bird?
Ok...lets run away!
xx
pinks
Lamby - I think it was a "Murder" of crows.
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Pinks - You little Minx! How DID you find Internet in Kenya so quickly:? Okay, let me see if I can "liquidate my portfolio".
ha...see? you should never offer to buy a round of champagne just because you think she's a teetoatler!
speaking of liquidate...
Pinks - I'm more like a bottle of Schlitz Malt Liquor.
Let's slink off to that table in the back..it's quieter there and we can REALLY talk..
Murder, huh? How can we find out?
Leelee - If you insist. But just to warn you, THAT show gets a little "blue".
***
Lamby - We kill a SECOND bird by the same method suspected in the original bird's death. Then we lay 'em side by side on the kitchen counter and compare.
Ummm, there's one problem with that, Puggie. That dead bird is long gone. What do we do now?
My sister and I found a dead owl on the farm. We put it in some wax paper and a plastic bag and placed it in our refrigerator's freezer. My mother almost beat us to death when she attempted to get out a pack of green beans a few months later, and instead pulled out the dead barn owl. She screamed at the top of her lungs, "DON'T PUT DEAD OWLS IN MY FREEZER." I told her I thought it was everybody's freezer.
Lamby - That's easy. We have the bird reconstructed in clay. Then we create an accurate timeline of the sequence of events leading up to the bird's demise, with information extracted from polygraph testing on you and your sister. Finally, we put you, your sister, and the clay bird under the bright light in the interrogation room until somebody melts.
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Corn Dog - I thought CATS normally have that role of bringing dead animals into the house. Maybe you didn't have one, so you overcompensated.
(Like I should talk. I have Walt Disney and Ted Williams in MY freezer* (* it's a "walk-in"). )
Just out of curiosity, why did you freeze it? So you could bring it to school for Show-and-Tell? Inquiring Pugs want to know.
Oh, Lord, Puggy, you said the magic words. If you'll Swiffer and Roomba my house, I'll babysit your bird, wear your Virgin ring, and stand on my head, in no particular order.:)
Hmm, I dunno.
Somebody round here has been watching ALOT of CSI
Well, no, Mr. Pug, I actually meant finding an actual adoptive home; however, if you truly want to find out and like how I truly think... I do think they'd be wonderful fricasseed with some dumplings or at the very least some light, flaky biscuits on the side!
Serena - Your HOUSE? No, that's not what I had in mind for them ...
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Lamby - I must be on the right track. Your initial spirit of cooperation is starting to wane.
***
Leelee - Yes, I've been putting the extra TV-viewing time in, as Lamby is proving to be a foxy-sly adversary, not unlike The Jackal in The French Connection.
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Maven - I'm already a fan of your work, but I draw the line at an entree that can talk back!
But you think I killed that poor bird. I didn't. The bird died of natural causes.
Lamby - I guess a have no other choice but to treat you like Sharon Stone's character in "Basic Instinct". I'll choose to believe that you may be innocent, but just to be safe, I'll need you to come down to the station in your little white dress for a deposition.
See, this is why I need a maid. All those housekeeping terms are much akin to speaking in tongues to me. So what you're saying is that if someone offers to Swiffer me, they aren't going to clean my bathtub? Arroooomba.
Serena - Not for yours truly. You see, in my case EVERYTHING is a sexual euphemism. For I am the "Canine Dandelion".
:-)
All I have is my sheepskin.
Lamby - You are in luck. That is also the only thing that I carry in my wallet!
grrrherhaha! they dont give these when ya graduate.
You're trying to flirt with me.
LOL...I can't take it...LOL
Thank goodness. There is hope for future generations of canines everywhere.:-)
Hey Pug! Whatever actually became of them two boids?
stumped.
She - Actually in my case they did. I think it was the Administration's way of hinting that I shouldn't bother creating any "future alumni".
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Lamby - Is it working?
***
Leelee - :-)
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Serena - In that way, I want to be more ubiquitous than Walmart, even if it means low prices.
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Scary - I ended up giving them away to a young woman who didn't know any better. Those bastids TORMENTED her and her beau. I'd be on the phone with one of them, and every other sentence would be interrupted by squawking. Bwahahahahaha! Shortly thereafter, I left town. Suckas! (True story, BTW)
Yes, it is.
LmMao! It5 would have been better to stay in town to follow the continued demise of said afformentioned couple.
Pug, you just made me laugh better than anyone else in the last 136 hours. That be a true story too.
stomps.
That was a long excuse : ) I hadn't heard that about exotic birds.
There's something to be said for volume, I suppose. To avoid the ubiquitousness (is that even a word?) of Wal-Mart, just remember to be easy, but not cheap.:-)
Greeting from Africa -
In the immortal words of Peter Sellers from "The Party":
"Birdie Numnum"
in the immortal words of Pinks echoing from across the Indian Ocean and around the Cape back up to you:
"New Post!"
;)
xx
Lamby - Are you sure? You're not just pullin' the wool over my eyes, are you? My judgement has been obscured by natural fibers before.
***
Scary - Had I done that (stayed in town) the boids would've eventually found their way back to my doorstep (not unlike the legendary XMAS fruitcake).
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Myutopia - See? You have just proven a point to my many detractors: my blog IS educational!
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Serena - I agree. So maybe I should reinforce that concept by aligning my brand more closely with Staples. After all, I too have an "Easy Button".
***
Pinks - I've been missing you already. Was that you with the binoculars in your last post? Inquiring Pugs want to know! If so, that was brave. The last time Yours Truly tried to use his binocs in a moving vehicle on-safari, he got 2-black eyes and looked like a Meerkat.
Okay, you win. New post tonight (hopefully). But it has to be a short (but good) one due to my workload.
Un momento! I just realized something: NO ONE has reminded me that I have to MAKE time for a new post.
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