Sunday, August 06, 2006

My World Rocked By Scandal

Puerileuwaite to Magazine: I'm Celibate
Aug 5, 10:05 PM EST

The Associated Press

LONDON -- Puerileuwaite says he is sick of women and is celibate.

The 25-year-old (actually he is slightly older but bends the truth for greater sex appeal) who gained international fame when a former girlfriend posted a videotape of the couple having lurid (he loves that word, and insisted that we add it) sex on the Internet denied leading a promiscuous lifestyle in an interview with the British edition of GQ magazine.



"I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Puerileuwaite, who told the magazine he has had sex with only two men, er women (okay! they were mannish women) during his lifetime.

Of his videotape with Paris Hilton that became one of the most searched-for items on the Internet in 2003, he said: "I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money for senseless acts of beastiality and she should give it all to some charity for the sexually abandoned or something."


The Thrifty Nickel Saver heir and uber-goober told the magazine he is "very shy" and relates to the late Princess Diana, who was also hounded by photographers, and was the subject of a tragic Elton John song modification as well.

"I've been in cars driven by intoxicated Frenchmen trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," Puerileuwaite is quoted as saying. "Strangely enough, I've also been in cars driven by frightened paparazzi trying to get away from intoxicated Frenchmen."



He also went on to describe his fear of "psychos and nut-cases out there who don't view my life as newsworthy".

During the interview, Puerileuwaite also displayed some political illiteracy, referring to President Bush as a "beacon for competency" and Laura Bush as "our sexiest First Lady since Dolly Madison". Visibly under the influence, he then uttered a barely coherent remark about their "cupcakes".

When asked about British Prime Minister Tony Blair, his response was: "Who? ... Oh, yeah, he was in that creepy "Exorcist" movie, and didn't he also sleep with Rick James?".




Puerileuwaite also told the magazine he collects $500,000 in fees just to show up at parties and that he comments on other blogs as part of his community service obligation. His best-paying gig, he said, was a recent Austrian appearance, where in his inimitable style he arrived in full kangaroo costume drinking a "Foster's".




"I had to say `heil' and lay it on thick why I loved Austria so much, due to threat of non-payment. " he is quoted as saying. "It wasn't easy to think of anything genuine, so I simply said I'd lay down for them anytime, just as they did for the Germans." Danke-shame, indeed.

And why does he like Austria? "Because they pay me $1 million to wave at crowds!" "Pwnd! Suckers! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."

(Picture stolen from "The Idle Receptionist")


***

Oh, and if any crackheads are interested in the Paris Hilton original version, here is the link.
http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=229773>1=7703

Don't hate me because of the simple life that I lead. Just love me.

41 comments:

Mayden's Voyage said...

I managed to avoid the story all day- and then what did I find over here- where I least expected it?
SHAME ON YOU! :)
Repeating all that blather-blah-blah-blech!
Poor little thing...I mean, if it's you were're talking about- you probably aren't THAT little- but still. Life is simple, but not always easy. Unlike P who is easy, but not all that simple...
Wait-maybe he is! Easy and simple?
I have to stop thinking about it!!!

Hey- I'm first! :)
Heaven help the Associated Press on slow news days! :P

puerileuwaite said...

FM, you are the first one to make me laugh today. Hopefully you're not the last. And it's never a slow news day with Paris Hilton sharing the same planet (most of the time, anyway).

jmeped said...

Let me start by saying good morning, and if Paris Hilton was the last place I "visited" then I would be celibate too! I think you made this whole thing up about being celibate so all of your blovers would throw them selves at you. And the publicity alone will send mass amounts of Paris fans over to see what all the fuss is about. I still love you just the same, because your hot and do you love it?

Malnurtured Snay said...

Y'know, I'm reading a bio on Churchill which talks a lot about Austria's "reunification" with Germany, and it's amazing how much damage Pro-Appeaser Chamberlin did in destroying Europe. Most of Austria was against "anchluss", but only France was willing to go to arms to protect Austria's sovereignty, and when Britain balked, France did too.

Paula said...

Okay, now I have to go wash my brain.

Party Girl said...

Why, oh, why do we even know who Paris Hilton is? Why???

I heard the original straight from her simple little mouth. Blech.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, all I can say is "Wow!". If only I knew before now, just how much, that public threats of celibacy could drive women into a frenzy, I would've joined the priesthood!

But then of course, just like John Travolta's older brother Frank in Saturday Night Fever, after my first disco visit I would be drawn back into the hedonistic world of silk and track lighting. Sinking ever further into the downward spiral of two-for-one happy hours and impaired morning escapes from dens of debauchery.

That would be so cool!

So I may be onto something with this new "VOLUNTARY" celibacy approach. Why, I'm even starting to feel stronger already. No wonder Rocky's manager had him abstain before the big fight!

Though I walk through the valley of Jmeped's temptation, I shall fear none of her evil "come hither" comments ...

leelee said...

I was going to ask how this was working out even though it's barely been 48 hours...then this:

So I may be onto something with this new "VOLUNTARY" celibacy approach. Why, I'm even starting to feel stronger already. No wonder Rocky's manager had him abstain before the big fight!

I guess it's working out you are the master of your domain.

puerileuwaite said...

MS, you read the most interesting books. To me at least, being the history buff that I am. As a Churchill nut, and a WWII afficionado, I've been meaning to ask you the title of this particular book. Sounds like one for me to read next. If you stop back and read this comment, please let me know. Thanks.

puerileuwaite said...

So sorry, PJ. But why should Paris Hilton get ALL of the attention? I have the cuter legs!

puerileuwaite said...

PG - Weird Al had Michael Jackson, and now I'll always have Paris!

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee, Thanks for asking. Aside from occasional swelling and mild discomfort, I appear to be holding my own.

(Owww! What was THAT? A punch in the arm?)

Now if we truly want to riff on Seinfeld, we should start a contest. What am I saying? That would never work, since we'd have to rely on the honor system - something that appears to be in short supply around my blog ;-)

jmeped said...

If your holding your "own" are you still celibate?

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, it is simply an exercise in logic (perhaps in futility as well).

X: A President can define what is and isn't sex.

Y: I want to be President someday.

X + Y = Z: Therefore I can define what is and isn't sex.

Malnurtured Snay said...

THE LAST LION -- "Visions of Glory" is the subtitle of the first book, "Alone" is the second, both by William Manchester. He died before he finished the third volume.

jmeped said...

Is that why it wasn't considered sex when clinton put his cigar up monica's business? If that's the case I want to be president too!

puerileuwaite said...

MS, I'm overdue for a visit to Barnes & Noble. So I will check them out. Thanks.

Oh, and you were dead on about Chamberlain. What a wuss he was. THEN was the time to stand up to Hitler. "Peace with dignity" my ass.

Oh, BTW, I was only tough on the Austrians because Grandpa was one.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, you can be my Vice President. Why? Because even a President can have at least one vice. Get it? Oh, I slay me.

And who is more befitting of that title (well, the first part anyway) than you? Plus then I wouldn't have to pay an intern. I may be easy, but I'm cheap too. Now let's order that pizza.

Mayden's Voyage said...

PW-- I was a secretary once and my boss always wanted me to...
Uummmmm---hmmmmm...
Nevermind...want to stay on the "white sheep" blog! LOL!!!

Hope that celibacy thing works out for you :) (Does phone sex count? just wondered..President Wannabe' :)

puerileuwaite said...

Well FM, don't it make my white sheep blue? Reminds me of a Crystal Gayle song, but the title escapes me.

Your secretary story is a cruel tease. But I'm pretty sure where you were going with it. And I must admit that the prospect of you joining the black sheep greatly intrigues me. But on the other hand:

1) It's a full-time job trying to keep the white sheep balanced with the black ones as it is. I've already had a couple stray away, and I've had to cheat by counting both of Leelee's blogs as part of the white flock.

2) I'm guilty of having corrupted way too many people as it is, despite being so young and wholesome.

3) Once you're black, you can't turn back.

As far as celibacy goes, one IS the loneliest number. This vaguely reminds me of another song by Three Dog Night, but alas, its name eludes me also.

And no, phone sex does NOT count. Neither does voicemail sex, in case I'm on the other line. Just remember to indicate the date, time, and nature of the call. Oh, and mark it urgent, so I don't confuse you with telemarketers.

leelee said...

too too funny!

Malnurtured Snay said...

Don't buy them retail -- they're like $30 each. I got 'em for $5 a piece (plus shipping) from eBay.

puerileuwaite said...

Wow. Thanks for the tip, MS. I may even go the local library route.

jmeped said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jmeped said...

I'm bringing my glue gun so we can make campaign buttons. And remember, no ham.

puerileuwaite said...

Just wear that blue dress that I like so much.

jmeped said...

It's at the cleaners.......

puerileuwaite said...

The cleaners?! Did I not tell you to carefully preserve it so that it could be used against me later?

jmeped said...

It's ok, I still have the red one, and the yellow one, and the green one, and.................

puerileuwaite said...

I like the way you think, cowgirl. Matching berets (to your dress colors ... I don't mean one for you / one for me) would be the perfect touch.

GirlGoyle said...

Paris Hilton...is definitely malnurtured. Must've been one hell of a bony ride for you. I bet it's hard to be lurid (great word!) when you are worried about getting bruised. You frigging kill me. Only you could've made the tabloids! Lurid...

jmeped said...

Oh, come on, don't you want to match our clothes and then we can start calling each other schmoopy in public. No, you're schmoopy, no you're schmoopy...

puerileuwaite said...

I like to think that my luridness is what lured you here, GG.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, my initial reaction was hell no.

But then I realized that your request meets at least one of my rules, and thereby compels my compliance.

***

"Rule #5: Does the stated action intensely annoy and aggravate most of the general public?"

***

So you have me on a technicality. A prisoner of a cage by my own design. A hostage to your arbitrary whims. An idiot in a stupid beret.

jmeped said...

Hey, the beret was YOUR idea, not mine. I prefer matching plaid shirts and stain resistant dockers. I just made my ownself cringe. shudder to think. Anyway, do you know what No, your schmoopy is from. King of the quotes, I thought for sure you would have gotten that one.

puerileuwaite said...

Oh, that was too easy. I know my Seinfeld. Heck, I'm even wearing my puffy shirt right now.

jmeped said...

Your too funny. This is why I need a job, I have waisted most of my day shamelessly flirting you up and all I've accomplished is eating a whole jar of cheese dip and 1 load of laundry.

puerileuwaite said...

That's more than I've accomplished so far today, and I have a job! Now I'll have to work late to catch up. Devil woman.

jmeped said...

Then my work here is done. Now why don't you go and copy your butt and post it for HNT? Then we'll see who's ass is better. My money's still on Pud.

GirlGoyle said...

Yes it is...your luridness luridly lured me here. Phew! Say that 3 times real fast.

puerileuwaite said...

GG, I missed you. Hope all is well. For some sick reason, I worry about you.