Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Puerileuwaite Keeps Quiet

By Amanda Huginkis
2 hours, 55 minutes ago

What was supposed to be a public affair has ended up being pretty hush-hush.


Puerileuwaite, who had a full schedule of appearances lined up to promote his new album, "Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks", is sidelined with a strained vocal cord and has been ordered not to sing, his publicist confirmed Monday.


His physician warned the "approximately" 26-year-old songbird not to use it or else face losing it, stating Puerileuwaite should refrain from speaking while giving his pipes time to rest. This apparently means ALL pipes, so consorting with groupies is also off-limits.


The setback forced Puerileuwaite to cancel a date with The Late Show with David Letterman and a Friday performance on the Today show is now up in the air. Instead, the "Holding My Own" singer flew to New York a day earlier than planned and met with a voice specialist.

"He's on total vocal rest, and some of his appearances have been delayed," said publicist Hugh Jazz. "He can talk, he can croak out a few sentences. He sounds a little off, but, you know, he can't sing." Questioned further as to whether this was a new condition, or in fact a problem that Puerileuwaite has always had, Mr. Jazz quickly fled the room.


The specialist described Puerileuwaite's problem as either a strained or bruised vocal cord. Experts worldwide have recommended its complete removal, along with the others, just to be on the safe side.

Puerileuwaite did manage to drop by Total Request Live Tuesday, where he hoarsely introduced music videos, and briefly flashed his ta-ta's.


A friend of the Teen Choice Award winner for Creepiest Trenchcoat Guy told Bad Touch Magazine that Puerileuwaite, who has been communicating with people via crude dolphin-like squeals and random groping, was feeling physically okay but was bummed about the bad timing.

"Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks", Puerileuwaite's first album on Stalker Records since making the switch from Coloniscope--as well as his first album post-deflowering--comes out on Tuesday. A half-hour MTV special, Puerileuwaite: A Private Man by Public Vote, airs Sept. 4. The (luckily) pretaped show promises a "very sexually intimate performance of songs from his new album" and "an exclusive inside look at Puerileuwaite's inner workings."


MTV has long been a good friend to its onetime key grip. The video for the dance-happy eponymous first single from "Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks" featuring John Bobbitt, Paris Hilton, Jerry Mathers, Slim Whitman, Andy Dick and Ryan Seacrest, directed by Mark Ratner, debuted on MTV's TRL July 19.

61 comments:

Mayden's Voyage said...

Limp Cactus! LOL!
Good heavens, where do you come up with this stuff? :P

Approximately "26"- LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
What, going on 44??? (help- I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe!)

Well friend, we don't care if they take those vocal cords of yours or not...just so long as you keep writing! And steer clear of that Paris chick- who knows what other ailments you could catch from her! Ick!!!
:)

puerileuwaite said...

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. And young. And you're right: screw Paris! (I got THAT from "Love Story".) Oh wait, you said don't.

Little Lamb said...

The question is since he can't talk, can he at least type to his many fans?

puerileuwaite said...

Yes, but he is not allowed to use acronyms, emoticons or "cutesy pie" spellings. He also cannot write about himself in the 3rd person.

He thanks you for your understanding in this matter, and for respecting his privacy.

- Hugh Jazz, Puerileuwaite's Publicist, on behalf of Puerileuwaite

Little Lamb said...

You make me laugh.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sorry to hear about your voice. I told you to be careful when you were gargling with my semen.

puerileuwaite said...

Well Clown, that'll teach me not to open kiss your mom. Tell her she's out of the harem.

DykesDog said...

LMAO, I love visiting your comments section ... I get educated every day here!

Pud said...

Okay, he can't sing...but can he still perform oral sex? I hear it's great therapy for strained vocal chords.

puerileuwaite said...

Why thank you, Dykesdog. And after just under 4-years, you'll earn your degree.

puerileuwaite said...

Pud, it's better to receive than to give.

leelee said...

wow...let me...*gulp* finish..my coffee...a lot sure goes on here over night...I need to stay up later..

puerileuwaite said...

Good morning Leelee! Don't choose blogging over sleep.

leelee said...

Good Morning! Not to worry my friend...

Great post...FUNNY!!!! you ARE da pug!

Little Lamb said...

Thank you, for adding me to your blog roll. I added you to mine as well.

Mayden's Voyage said...

You said, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. And young."

Oh friend, then I am sure there is no reason to hate you at all! :)

lol :P

puerileuwaite said...

Thank you, Little Lamb. Welcome aboard!

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks for the kind words, Fair Mayden. You are the best.

Mayden's Voyage said...

smooch :)

Little Lamb said...

You're welcome, PW. And thank you for welcomeing me.

Party Girl said...

Ugh, if I get stuck by one more prick, I tell ya. Oh wait, I like that.


Nevermind.

puerileuwaite said...

FM, back at ya!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, thank you for welcoming me. And you're welcome for thanking me for welcoming you.

puerileuwaite said...

PG, you're my kinda gal. But then you already knew that.

Little Lamb said...

You're welcome, and thank you.

puerileuwaite said...

Thank you and you are very welcome!

buckled said...

Sorry, but how will this affect his role in the upcoming action flick "Getting His Shit Kicked in the Fuck" also starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Sean Connery?
Oh and btw, Fair Mayden, I don't wanna creep you out or anything but you look a lot like my beautiful & long-suffering wife.
Sorry to interrupt.

Little Lamb said...

You're welcome for your thank you and thank you for your welcome.

I had a school friend who would say I'm glad. I would say I'm glad that you're glad, she would say I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad. Eventually one of us would just say I'm glad. We had fun doing it.

puerileuwaite said...

Buckled, always good to hear from you. And if Fair Mayden is alarmed by your comment (as she should be; just wait until she sees your picture (it's on doggerel's blog, 4 or 5 posts down ... I have a link on the right to get you there)!).

You should do a post about the similarities. Hell, you should just do a post.

puerileuwaite said...

Little Lamb, did you and your friend attend the University of Texas, by chance? Say, at the same time and in one or more of the same courses as Charles Whitman (the infamous clocktower sniper)?

Did he happen to sit BETWEEN you and your friend in one of those classes?

You see, both CrashTestComic and me are avid serial/spree killer buffs, and in this particular case I'm working on a theory as to what may have triggered Whitman's spree.

Let me know.

jmeped said...

Poor Pug, you must have a fever too. You know if you were 26 you'd be at myspace picking up bitches. Oh, do you sound like Tara Reid? I'm with Pud, I bet between the both of us we can get you well in no time!

Little Lamb said...

No, we did not.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, thanks, I do need you to nurse me back to health. So does that mean blogspot is "Jurassic Park", for us dinosaurs over 30?
BTW, the original article was from Yahoo about Jessica Simpson.
And just the thought of you and Pud being here, tending to my "needs" brings me great comfort.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, are you sure?

Little Lamb said...

I'm possitive, PW. How can you be interested in serial/spree killer buffs?

Have you read about Charles Manson? What about the Son of Sam?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, PLEASE tell me you weren't involved with those people!

Little Lamb said...

I wasn't, and I'm not just saying that. I just know about them. I was never involved with any killer.

puerileuwaite said...

That's a relief. Because you seem the type to get lured into a cult. I'm glad you decided to join mine!

I watched the Helter Skelter movies and read the book. Didn't read anything on Son of Sam. I watch American Justice, Forensic Files and all the other shows of that ilk.

And you?

puerileuwaite said...

Oh crap. Now you're gonna write: "I'm glad you're glad".

Little Lamb said...

I'm glad too. And I am glad you're glad.

I read Helter Skelter and saw the movie. I wanted to know who Charles Manson was. I know now.

I lived through the Son of Sam. I used to live on Long Island. And did when that was going on.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, my little gladiola, I KNEW that you'd spring 3-glads on me. And you know what? I'm so glad, I'm so glad, I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad.

And it's funny that you mention being in the area when Son of Sam was on his rampage. Allegedly he had a woolly accomplice who was never caught.

Little Lamb said...

Hmmm, I wonder who that could be? Never heard of a wooly accomplise.

All those glads and more back at ya!

puerileuwaite said...

I see. So the lamb ain't talkin'. Interesting ...

Mayden's Voyage said...

PW and Buckled...
I've read some alarming things today- but nothing here :)
Except the whole "approximately 26" thing- that was disturbing.

Buckled- apprarently I am in the same league as your wife as far as caring for the kiddo's...except I'm the blogger/writer in the family and I can barely get my spouse to read it :( At least your wife checks in on you.

If hubby checks in on me- well, it's not to read the blog!!! :)

puerileuwaite said...

FM, another difference is the extra "combat pay" that Buckled's wife gets. Of course it's in Canadian money, so it takes awhile before she can afford hotels to put on her properties.

Little Lamb said...

I know nothing. Perhaps it was a wolverine.

puerileuwaite said...

Then why does the FBI sketch perfectly match your icon? Don't try to pull the wool over MY eyes, Lambycakes!

Little Lamb said...

**thingks about this** Maybe it was my evil twin lamb. You know how we all look alike.

puerileuwaite said...

Oh, so that's the way you wanna play it. The story changes with the tides, eh? Well maybe the folks downtown won't find this quite as amusing as I do. I know yer lion, lamb!

Little Lamb said...

hmmm. Did you know your dog icon looks almost human?

puerileuwaite said...

What dog icon? Are you sayin' I'm ugly?

Little Lamb said...

The picture of you is cute. I like it.

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks, lamby.

Little Lamb said...

you're welcome

**pinches cheeks**
**scratches top of head**
**scratches behind ears**

Good boy.

Crashtest Comic said...

hello? is this thing on?

puerileuwaite said...

Loud and clear, Crash!

buckled said...

I refuse to post on my own blog; I've gone out in a sham-Salingeresque way and intend to keep it that way. I'm not smart enough to come up w/my own shtick so must "rely on the kindness of strangers."

puerileuwaite said...

Buckled, your style is great. I refuse to accept your answer. Every single post of yours was a riot. The Hans Solo one had me rolling on the floor. You are the Jimi Hendrix of the blog world. So either choke to death on your own vomit, or continue to create magical posts, dammit!

puerileuwaite said...

Seriously Buckled, if you REALLY don't want to post anymore, I'll stop pestering you about it. And I'll take you off of my "Slackers and Deadbeats" roll. But I wish you'd reconsider. You have talent, dude.

GirlGoyle said...

With a line up like that (John Bobbitt, Paris Hilton, Jerry Mathers, Slim Whitman, Andy Dick and Ryan Seacrest, directed by Mark Ratner) I'm surprised all you bruised was your vocal cords. I'd say you got pretty lucky.Count your blessings...I mean count your pricks.

And Boo! I'm back!

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle, I can't write how happy I am to "hear" from you. Don't ever do that (disappear) to me again. I need you in my blog life.