Monday, August 14, 2006

Still Big In Asia

Mazel tov comrades,

It had been a while since I heard from them, so I started to become convinced that the Russians had lost the desire to intermingle my DNA with their own. I even started to worry that they no longer wanted to sap me of my precious bodily fluids (Raise your hand if you noticed the "Dr. Strangelove" reference. Now put your hands down, you silly bastards.).


But then the girls started a callin'. Today I received an email that says I have 5-unread messages from Russian women. So eat me, David Hasselhoff. The Germans may adore you, but I'm the "Czar of Love".


Oh, so it is proof that you want. Fine. So be it. Let's read some letters, shall we?


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #1 (Veronika):


I am Veronika.
Hi Veronika. I am Peurileuwaite. My name means "Czar of Love". I want to be your Archie, not your enemy.

I’m a happy and communicable girl.
Sounds wonderful. How communicable?

I have many friends. And I like to make new ones too.
I have no friends. Only commenters who pretend to be my friends, because that is how they get their perverse jollies. Are your friends perverse too? Likewise, I also, how you say, like to put the make on my friends. I try to convince them that we should make babies to help with workload. I am always losing friends but looking to make new ones.

I like serious people with a good sense of humor. I believe strongly in family and the security of a relationship with one man. Mutual respect and love for one another are most important.
If it is serious that you want, then I am happy to report that you have come to the right person. I am as serious as a heart attack from shoveling the snow of a Siberian winter. I too strongly believe in family. For a few years I belonged to a wonderful family. Charlie Manson was our glorious leader. He was much like your Josef Stalin. But the government needed him more, so we haven't seen him for a while. This made us sad. Some of us became angry that the government took our papa away.

I’m looking for a dynamic man. A man who is able to seek advantage from any situation. He is strong because of his love for family and husband. A man that wants to express himself to the world. I want him to be mature, reliable, caring and smart.
You are in luck, Veronika. I am very dynamic. I generate my own power with lower emissions (especially nocturnal ones) than previous models. And I am constantly looking to take advantage. I am strong because I work out and reprocess my own urine. I am fine with love for family (I still keep in touch with Squeaky and Charlie), but I'm not into men. Eurasians are as close to homosexuality as I care to venture, sorry. I do enjoy expressing myself to the world, however. Why just this morning I was warmly gesturing to fellow motorists on the way to work. I can be very caring as well.

I have some questions for you if you want to get to know me closer:

1) Are you interested in serious relations with Russian woman?
I can only manage semi-serious, as I am out of Viagra. But I do have Roman hands and Russian fingers to make up for any shortcomings.

2) Are you planning to visit Russia?
Sure. Can I become a citizen, denounce the U.S., and then visit Cuba too?

3) Would you like to correspond or to talk by phone?
I prefer to talk by phone. Corresponding by phone seems awkward.

4) Why are you interested in Russian lady?
Because the bar is low. They are used to Russian men. So I could be the Brad Pitt of Russia.

5) Have you ever been to Russia?
No. Is it warm? I like the tropics.

6) What is important for you in relations and am I right for you?
As an American, I need to always have my way. To answer your second question, I don't know you at all, and therefore cannot determine if you are wrong for me. Plus I've been drunk for the past half-hour and am listening to Michael Bolton ballads. So therefore, by my logic, if loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Bye for now, Veronika


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #2 (Irina):


I am Irina. I am open, caring, honest, romantic, smart, sociable. I love kids. I am charming, very cheerful person and like to communicate with my friends. I am very decent person and do not have bad habits.
Well then, Irina, I'm just what the docter ordered. My love is like bad medicine.

I am very tactful, steady, and good natured person. My friends say that I am very sympathetic, sensitive, caring and communicative.
Wow. My friends say the same things about me. Here, let me go find them ....... well, this is awkward. They seem to be out doing things right now. I'll have them get in touch.

Also I like home coziness and communication with nature.
Me too. How do you communicate with nature? I do it by walking through the woods at midnight talking to owls. Plus I telepathically bond with frogs by licking them. Do you have frogs in Russia? How do they taste?

I like to smile and to see the smile in the faces of other people.
So do I. Nothing makes me happier than to see people who are even happier than I am. Are people happy in Russia?

I like cooking, music, sports, painting, books, travelling, dancing, movies, art, flowers, boating, outdoors, seaside, romantic evenings.
Well, good. You'll have lots to do while I watch television. Do they have television in Russia? Do they have "Friends"? I hate "Friends".

As I love nature, I like to walk along the beach, watch the sunset or moon path. Being an active person, I go in for sport, in fitness if to be concrete, because as any woman I would like to be in a good shape.
Here in America we watch the moon itself. We all have very short attention spans, so we are unfamiliar with the "path" concept. If you're that easily fascinated, then I should be as captivating as an eclipse. If you're as firm as concrete, I can't wait to meet you. On the other hand, if you're as heavy as concrete, stay on the ship. I'm sure they can use you as ballast.

I would like to meet a smart, serious, sincere man who is able to make a woman happy.
Irina, it is your lucky day. I can make a woman happy in no less that 500 different ways. I even have a special bed (see my "Bed for Sale" post) with instructions. And I have a guarantee: if you are not happy after 30-days, I will return you for full credit. Such a deal!

Best regards, Irina


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #3 (Lelya):


I am Lelya. I am a very beautiful and sexy lady. I am a cheerful,
kind-hearted and optimistic girl. I am faithful, loyal, communicative,
sincere and open person, try to be always cheerful in spite of
anything, optimistic, I am serious and reliable, and in love I am
very, very romantic and gentle.
Good. I need you to be gentle, Lelya. Don't make me yell-ya. The herpes sores are very painful.

Let me think I have so many activities every day that it is quite difficult to write the favorite one.
Lelya, this is not summer camp. Life with me is more like one of your concentration camps. Consider yourself lucky if we manage to do one activity the entire time you're here.


I believe that my soul mate is somewhere out there for the world is so big and diversified! I would like to communicate with you and waiting for your reply!
Well, I'm transmitting on the soul station right now. Are you receiving? Come in Lelya.

Lelya


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #4 (Ekaterina):


How are you?
I am fine.

I hope fine. My name is Ekaterina. I live in Belarus. I am a charming, young, tender and passionate lady. I am a very beautiful girl. I am easy-going and open-minded, confident and interesting young lady.
How tender? Are you "split with a fork" tender?

I develop myself constantly and I have a many passions. I can pay attention to people. I am very feminine and tender. I like my life and I try to make it more happier not only for myself but also for people who surround me. I am not obstinate and I try to make a compromise. I lead active and health life style.
Develop yourself constantly? What are you, a roll of film? A spy perhaps? Out to steal the secret plans for my pirate cable box? I can pay attention to people too. I simply choose not to. How tender? Legal tender? Tender enough to mention it twice? Why do people surround you? Do you usually attract angry mobs? Do I always ask questions?

I am tactful and I have my own taste. I have a reach imagination.
Amazing. We could be twins! I too am tactful, and am praised frequently for my excellent taste. But to say that I have imagination would be a bit of a "reach".

I hope to find my special man, may be that man is you?
Are you kidding? I was so special that I had my own bus to ride to school in. That man is me (That Girl is Marlo Thomas).

Waiting for the letters


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #5 (Lilia):


Look at me! I am Lilia. I've always considered myself a kind and easy-going person, full of love and adoration for my mate. But my friends say that sometimes I can be very obstinate. Beauty is not the only advantage of mine. My leadership skills are very strong too.
Great. I need a strong woman to lead me. Into temptation, hopefully.

I consider a happy family to be the most important thing in my life. Being young, I adore learning new and interesting things. When I have some free time, I like to have a rest in nature with my friends.
I like to take naked naps in poison ivy with my friends. So far we appear to have much in common.

I like to be photographed. I love traveling very much and in future I dream to travel with my soul mate, because I think it is so romantic. I am looking for a man of my dreams and I would like him to be kind, tender, loving and understanding..
I don't know if this is relevant, but I happen to be a travel photographer.

Bye!


***

48 comments:

jmeped said...

I find you to be exausting this morning P- I don't know something about "Fork tender" What is she pot roast? MMmmmmm pot roast I have a great idea I am taking myself to eat. This must be the attention span thing. What were you talking about?

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...

See, this is why I have to go "off-shore" for my women. American gals with their collective Attention Deficit Disorder are ill-equipped to track the waxing and waning of my love, let alone the path of the moon.

jmeped said...

Hey that's AD-H-D to you mister. The path of the moon...while this may sound romantic to the random stranger, I know you are full of it and will say anything to lure those poor unsuspecting women over in hopes to find a baby maker and house keeper. The path to your laundry room maybe. ; )

puerileuwaite said...

Hey, I'm still the better option to life over there. And in Georgia as well.

jmeped said...

You are a better option than most, don't be mad. I have a scooby snack, and this time I'll rub your belly too!

GirlGoyle said...

Well hats off to you for being able to be so reliable on correspondance. I think I would've stopped after chicksy#1 described herself as being communicable. I thought that was only an adjective that was awarded to illnesses. Then again....I guess in her case you can then pass her along when you are done and ready for Chicksy #2?

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, I knew you'd come around. The threat of losing prime beefcake to the Russians is to serious to ignore.

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle, usually I'm terrible at keeping up with correspondence. (This is true, actually.)

But with these Russian babes I have to cast a wide net. And if I DO catch anything from Chicksky #1, it'll simply be an indication that I'd been there. Sort of like having all of those stamps from exotic ports of call on one's passport!

jmeped said...

Stop talking about meat, I haven't had lunch yet. MMMM fork tender beaf cake......with a side of garlic mashed potatoes!

Mayden's Voyage said...

You are likely to catch something from one of those "Chickskys'...and it'll take a Dr. visit and some antibiodics to clear it up! lol!!!

MMMM- beef cake and garlic mashed potatoes...heavens, she is making ME hungry! :P

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, hopefully you should've eaten by now. Just not too much. You need to look presentable in your tennis outfit.

puerileuwaite said...

FM, you too with the food fixation? Or is it really a metaphor for something else?

leelee said...

ok, so you received 5 replies..makes me wonder just how many you sent out in your "wide net"? C'mon P...you have such an appeal with the ladies, I hardly think you have to go abroad to find companionship. What gives?

puerileuwaite said...

Well, Leelee, glad you asked. I was warned that my net had to be "dolphin safe". This significantly limited my yield in domestic waters.

And of course we all know by now that "off-shoring" is a popular trend. More so with me these days, since discovering how many American women know how to manipulate the legal system to seek unfair compensation for my shenanigans.

doggerelblogger said...

I am overwhelmed! HOW WILL YOU CHOOSE?!?!?

puerileuwaite said...

Doggerel, why do I have to choose? All I have to do is rent 5-storage lockers, cheaply furnish them, and in they go. For all they know, it's "state of the art" American pre-fab housing. It has to be better than what they currently have. And after all, that's what concerns me most - their well being.

Pud said...

Wow! You are quite the lady's man. What a smooth talker.

puerileuwaite said...

Why thank you Pud. After being a silent admirer of yours, I'm so glad to have you come pay a visit. We should've done this sooner!

GirlGoyle said...

Never made you out to be a philatelist...and no...that's got nothing to do with bodily functions.

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle, how have you been? I hope vacation has been good to you. I suspected that "philatelist" had something to do with stamps, but I have to be honest, I did look it up just to be sure. And no, I don't have the time or inclination to collect anything.

jmeped said...

How long are you going to be in Asia? You know with my ADD I'm growing bored over here......entertain me.
I have some ideas, but I'll let you go first.

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jmeped said...

How do you convey swooning online? Well, anyway that's what I'm doing. Thanks for putting so much effort into entertaining me. I was half kidding. I didn't know you had a job interview tomorrow. Good luck with that. I hope it brings you what you need from it.

Led Zeppelin- I just figured out I liked them let alone how to spell it.

Well the fact that I am in Georgia is interesting. I had an opportunity to leave California for two years and thought what the hell. Life is an adventure and you never know unless you go for it. It's not where I want to be the rest of my life, but I didn't want to regret not finding out.

I have never went on about how hard it is to find the perfect guy. As far as cat and mouse. This blog is a funny non-reality based enviroment. People are themselves as much as they can be. The game of it is the fun of it, no? Besides who wants to read the B.S. that is everyday life. I did some laudry, Looked for a job, made guacamole, blah, blah.

As far as quick and accessable entertainment I didn't expect you to jump on it! But this is part of your charm, and why I blove you. Besides it feels as though your stalling on your interview notes and what your going to wear for it. You should have never told me, now my maternal part has kicked in and now I am worried. Look nice, and shave. mmmmm I love a fresh shaved face. I love to rub my face against it, ok that's for another day. Good luck.

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jmeped said...

I just realized when I said I like to rub my face against it, I meant a shaved face, not "it"! Just in case disney is reading this...

puerileuwaite said...

No way Jose! I'm holding you to your original statement.

jmeped said...

Your funny! Have it your way then, just make sure "it's"shaved too then. I won't rub my face where there's stubble!

puerileuwaite said...

BTW, jmeped, you owe me those ideas that you promised. It's one thing to dangle the vague lure of erotic fruit, but when it's something even more rare, like one of your ideas, you can't tease and not produce.

jmeped said...

Apparently this site is frequented by Disney, and some of my ideas are PG-13.

puerileuwaite said...

Not to worry, jmeped. Those were mine that I deleted. (Accidentally deleted two instead of one. Normally I hate censorship, but in this case I made a judgement call on one of my own comments.) After getting candid with you, I decided to take it down. I don't want to piss off anybody. I need really good karma today. I STILL want to see your ideas, BTW. So quit stalling.

jmeped said...

Are you admiting you said something that would piss me off? Because that's hard to do.

jmeped said...

Speaking of stalling, aren't you suppose to be shaving for an interview about now?

puerileuwaite said...

No, not you. And yes, I should.

jmeped said...

Be a good puppy and go get it, go get that job! I'll leave you some entertainment when you get home.

jmeped said...

Now imagine I hand you your sack lunch with a cheesey note inside and a kiss on the cheek. Good luck!

Party Girl said...

You are wrong. So wrong, sick, and twisted...but that's why we are friends and I frequent your place often.

"fork tender" or "pork tender"...which one?

puerileuwaite said...

Good news. No, I didn't get the job, but I managed to steal a very nice pen on the way out. So nice that I will no longer need this laptop.

Just kidding. I actually didn't steal anything except their hearts, I hope. First thing I'll do is get one of them snazzy blogs with a new set of blog friends. Wait, I didn't just write that, did I? Disregard. I'll still be Pugsly from the Block.

And what's the deal with the sack lunch? A pickle wrapped in foil instead of a Snickers bar? What gives?

The note was a sweet touch, though. Unfortunately I handed it to the bank teller instead of my deposit slip. I'm not sure what you wrote, but they almost locked me up.

I'll be needing my warm bath and cookies now.

puerileuwaite said...

PG, let's go with "pork tender", since it comes with a loin.

And I learned a while ago that if you wanna appear normal, surround yourself with genuine crazies. Glad to have you at my side (where I can keep an eye on you).

jmeped said...

Well I figured if you got in a jam with the potential employer you could hold the pickle in your coat pocket and slip them the note. It was meant to get you out of an uncomfortable situation. Had I known you were going to give it to the bank teller I wouldn't have thrown in that part about when you were last in prison and the ice shim and all. Did you at least get an extra twenty, because then you could buy your own snickers. I have a snicker, I seen your shirt....if you don't get the job I know why.

puerileuwaite said...

I don't even know what an ice shim is. So you have me wondering. Which shirt? So I can tell you if it's the one I wore.

Mayden's Voyage said...

PW...be sure to go over to K9's- he included you in the last pic :)

Soooo cute! :)
http://sparringk9.blogspot.com/

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks, FM. K9 is talented beyond compare!

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

howl out loud!grrrrrrherherhahaha
i'll pass on the pug loaf and you? you'll just pass, nocturnally.

/grrrrrrrrr

puerileuwaite said...

Why thank you K9. /awooooooooooooo!

jmeped said...

Look, just cause you add pictures does not a new post make. Are you being lazy, or did you get that job? Nice girls by the way, it's nice to see that not a one needs her upper lip waxed!

puerileuwaite said...

See, I told you they were HOT. Almost as hot as you.
Almost.

FYI adding the damned pictures chewed up most of my Saturday morning. A new post would've been easier!

And did you notice that I didn't just add pix to THIS post, I added them to several recent posts? The posts now more in-line with my original "vision". Sort of the "Director's Cut", if you will (I'm a regular Francis Ford Cupholder! So let's Francis Ford Copulate!). Make sure that you scroll down and check 'em out.

Re: the job, I appear to be in contention for it. I just took an online "personality profile" (as the next step), which supposedly can predict if I'm likely to carry a duffel bag full of guns and ammo into work some day. I think we all know the answer to that one. But I took the test anyway.

Then I have to get them access to some transcripts, which should make me a shoe-in for an offer (which I will accept if the $$$ is there).

Still with me? Or is it starting to get tedious? I could write about me all day long! It never gets boring!

How did your job hunting go? Try to get one in either a pharmacy or liquor store. Preferrably both.

How did you bowl? Did you "bowl" them over? (I crack me up!)

If you're a good girl, I should have a new post ready later on tonight or early tomorrow morning.