Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Everyday Superheroes

Underdog, cartoon pill popper. Did he have a prescription for those "Super Energy Pills"?

Hey ya,

I decided to ride the novelty greeting wave a tad longer. This one should be obvious. Here's the deal. I used a rare technique called "moderation" (some of you people should look into this) a few years back when this Outkast song was all the rage, and didn't overdo it. So now I can still enjoy listening occasionally without the vomit reflex kicking in. I liked their video for it too. Hopefully this isn't the last we'll hear from Outkast. But who am I kidding? William Shatner already has them up on the big screen with photon torpedoes locked on for his next "One-Hit Wonders" show.

"Pizza Deliverance" was a random lightning strike, since I'm still struggling to think of topics that I can post without needing a shitload of research to make them credible. So I'm getting more in the habit of building posts on the installment plan, hoping to put enough "lipstick on these pigs" over time in order to meet your pitifully low standards, and publish them only when sufficiently "ripe".

Fortunately/unfortunately, I did this one on the spot.

Since my topic is everyday superheros, let's get started with the admission that this is not a bold new post idea. It's been done countless times before. And it's almost always boring as hell. Possibly the blog world equivalent of the local news "human interest" story.

I could've stuck with the tried and true coma-inducing formula of mentioning who my favorite Superhero is, and why I like him/her, and then momentarily distract you from your irritation by asking you who YOUR favorite is (suckers! pwnd!), but I'm going to take the high road this time. Just don't get used to it.

I want us all to "stretch" a bit. Not like that dude from the "Fantastic Four", mind you. I mean our imagination* (* as an occasional yet reluctant trainer, I'm usually tolerant of remedial students; but in this case I'd like to ask the dimwits among us to Google "imagination" immediately, and rejoin us at the paragraph after the next one. This should give you time to spell check before you search.).

Since I just mentioned the film, my libido compels me to express my "appreciation" for Jessica Alba in her role as "Firegirl", or whatever her friggin' name was. Her powers were indeed super, but I couldn't help but wonder how they could be utilized in everyday situations, say for instance, I dunno, casual s-e-x? Not being one to "shoot for the moon" (unless THAT WAS my superpower, and wouldn't that be cool if it was! I'd be able to take credit for all those craters!), so if I were her boy-toy, I'd modestly use her warming-on-demand ability to save me from trips to Walmart for K-Y Heating Lotion. Screw saving the planet from evil-doers, I want to save myself my the embarrassment of trying to sneak past checkout line lookie-loos.

By now you probably realize that I'm not about to guide you through moving tributes to real-life saints and Samaritans doing wonderful things for their fellow man. I'd like to, but I'm currently not in a dire enough situation for them to tend to my needs and in the process provide their story for me to subsequently reflect on. No, this is about those superpowers that would provide us with a slight edge to more efficiently and joyously navigate through our mundane, everyday lives.

So here are the ground rules. The powers can't be flashy. They have to be subtle, yet useful. We should be able to use them on a daily basis without folks catching on that we have them.

Here goes with my first dozen. I would like the ability, via thought control, to:

1) Momentarily close peoples' throat passages. This power would never be used to kill or permanently harm. Just to correct behavior that I deem as "inappropriate".

2) Open elevator doors without the actual elevator itself being present. This alone would help to thin salesman and executive herds to socially responsible levels.

3) Force road crews to work on and complete a SINGLE stretch of highway before they can start a new one.

4) Create force fields at will that prevent rich bitches from entering stores (and their parking lots) until I am done.

5) Momentarily reverse gravity at ballparks, selectively targeting anyone attempting to start the "wave".

6) Convert police radar guns into rear-firing impotence rays. Oh wait, nevermind, they already do that.

7) Brainwash Americans into considering and voting for third-party candidates.

8) Triple "W"'s IQ for the remainder of his term.

9) Redirect all underground oil to American well-heads.

11) Render large SUVs inoperable.

12) See through women's clothing, but only when I choose to. Not like those x-ray specs that you could order from the back of comic books when I was a kid, either.

(Oh, this one reminds me of something HUMOROUS THAT REALLY HAPPENED! This is one of those "friend of a friend stories". My friend's friend was at a packed theatre in a college town watching the original "Superman". As you may recall, there's a point in the movie where Clark (Christopher Reeve) is on a rooftop patio with Lois (Margot Kidder), and he is trying to convince her that he has superpowers. She wants proof. So Lois asks what color panties she has on. Clark stares for a few seconds, then finally blurts out "pink". Sure enough, some wiseass in the audience yells "You looked too far!".)

Next time I will think of more altruistic powers for 13-thru-24.

That is all for now. Though I could go on and on. I mustn't be greedy. Now let's hear yours. I am expecting you all to improve on my mediocre, whiskey-influenced submissions.


GirlGoyle said...

Hummm I think you were overly modest on this one. In fact, I think all your powers are achieveable in some manner except one: 8) Triple "W"'s IQ for the remainder of his term. Sorry but you lucked out on this one. There isn't a diety on the Olympus that can help you there. Even with tripling he'd still be a dumbass.

I for one would like the invisible power of electricity so as to have the same effect a shock colar has on an animal. I can think of a million uses for it. You know that annoying little child who loves to kick the back of your airplane seat on your red eye flight back from a 3 day conference? Zap and he's debilitated for the rest of the ride. "Oooh...isn't little Nicky a good boy today. He must be tired." Or even better, can you imagine the great relief you could get from going to dinner with your friend and his bitchy girlfriend. And every time the stupid bitch opens her mouth to say something nasty...zap! This could also have the dual purpose of helping her lose weight. It would finally keep that big ass trap shut. No food, no fat, no fat ass. I'm truley doing something for humanity here. Trust me.

puerileuwaite said...

GG, you cracked me up and made me smile, damn you! It's way too early for that. Your post reminded me of yet another song: Nirvana's version of "Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam".

jmeped said...

I would have the ability to freeze time and re-arrange stuff and have people all confused. As far as saving humanity, well I doubt this would serve as little more than for my own amusement. I would be faster than light this would enable me to travel without much time wasted, and I would have a purse with an endless supply of cash so that I could help those who need it on my travels. I would have mind power to read ones thoughts and control evil doings. And then world domination, um I er, world peace and happiness would be achieved.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, aren't people confused enough already? And if it's cash you're handing out, then you need to head due west. As I stare at your sexy new icon, I wonder if you can't read my thoughts already. Good recovery with the last sentence, BTW. Very Miss America.

jmeped said...

Naughty boy, it's all in the wrist!

puerileuwaite said...

Wow, jmeped, you're right! Add this new ability to my ever-growing list of superpowers!

Party Girl said...

Before I started reading your list I came up with mine as people are irritating me today. Not in a, "I want you all to shut-up," sort of way, more in a, "Please, realize how annoying you are and stop it without me having to tell you," sort of way.

Then I read your #1. So, I like what you have there, but I would like to add, mind reading to it. In otherwords, I will think of something while looking at said annoying person, I will telepathically tell them what needs to happen/stop and they have this ephipany of realization that that behavior must stop. Like, they don't know that I told them through mind-control to stop it. They think they just realized how annoying it is and had free will to stop it on their own.

Genius, pure evil genius.

So all door slamming, telling me what time it is when I have two clocks in front of me, how tired, bored, annoyed they are when I am actually trying to work, people who don't wash there hands after using the bathroom (note to self for potlucks), and on and on and on....

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...

(Oops. Had to correct something. Here we go ...)

PG, ah yes, classic Jedi mind control. Your approach is more politically correct, while mine is more gratifying. I'm more into gratification than you are, I suppose.

I could never do what you're currently doing. No friggin' way. It'd be just a matter of time until I had a meltdown, and/or started verbally abusing people (which is really not my nature, unless I'm pushed enough; then it's Armageddon).

I avoid pot lucks, as I am very particular about cleanliness and needing to trust the food preparer. This is one reason why I rarely eat fast food, unless I can see it being made.

Sounds like your day is running similar to mine, BTW.

At breakfast I made the mistake of exchanging a few sentences about football with a coworker. Major f*ckup on my part. This triggered a verbal landslide of coaching stories that, with locust-plague thoroughness, consumed the next 30-minutes of my life.

To add insult to injury, he is a low-talker, so like an idiot I had to lean in to catch every other captivating word. For all I know, I've been talked into wearing puffy shirts for the rest of my damned life* (* minus 30-minutes).

PG, it was so bad, that it forced me to dream up a cell phone accessory invention: the "Remote Ring Inducer". It looks like a pinky ring, only it has a button on the palm-facing side.

Discretely pressing this button causes the phone to ring. The wearer simply says "Excuse me, but I've really got to take this call". Then he/she "steps outside" to chat. Once of of sight, he/she runs like the wind, and gets the heck outta there.

Paula said...

Have to think about the super powers for a bit longer. But, hey! I do have that CD.

puerileuwaite said...

PJ, consider me impressed. Even I do not have that CD. I can't wait to see what you come up with.

leelee said...

I have comment writers block and afraid I have been nothing but I lurker lately. Hopefully it'll clear up soon.

puerileuwaite said...

Oh no! Not you too! My writer's block is contagious! Save yourselves!

Leelee, that's okay. I like to hear from all of my "peeps" even if they don't have a comment for the current post.

leelee said...


Party Girl said...

Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the annoying coversation that you've been unwillingly sucked into against your will and they don't get the hint that you don't care.
They don't notice the lack of response, no eye-contact, or that my pulse has slowed to that of Aaron Spellings. I have made phone calls, started typing, turned my back and walked away, yet they stay, stand, stare, interject into my phone call and followed me.
Wow, you're slow, I want to say, but public niceities dictate that I can't.
Damn those social niceities.

puerileuwaite said...

PG, I was feeling sorry for you. At least I can flee the scene. So I have an idea to help you out. The next time one of these numbskulls is pestering you, pretend you're taking a personal call. Talk low, but just loud enough so the pest can hear. Then make sure that your end of the supposed conversation is as disturbing and uncomfortable to the pest as possible. If this doesn't drive him/her away, and least it'll be cheap entertainment screwing with them that way.

Paula said...

Okay, I've been thinking about it and I think my superpower would be if I saw someone trying to publicly humiliate another person for no good reason, I could make them pee their pants just by looking at them. The humiliator not the humiliate-y. Yes. That's it, that would be my superpower.

I did make a grown man cry once. He was behaving like a bully and I called him on it and he cried. Then I felt bad, but he deserved it. He really did.

Oh, and I would only use my power for good. I wouldn't use it just as a joke. Probably.

puerileuwaite said...

PJ - just ONE? Was that counting me? Because if it wasn't, then we're at TWO and counting ...

And if we REALLY are to split hairs, is it EACH occurrence? Because in that case you alone have me at THREE and counting ...

This reminds me of a "Deep Thought by Jack Handy" from SNL:

"It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.".

Sincerely, I LIKE your answer. You are a good person. Much too good for the likes of me. (I'm probably your secret reformation project.)

Paula said...

Oh, no. I think you should stay just as you are.

jmeped said...

I have nothing, I've been trying to think of another super power I would have, but all the good ones are taken. That and I'm too lazy to come up with another one.

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks PJ. You have a consistent way of lifting my spirits. I am so glad to have you as a blog friend. Don't let the sincerity alarm you (everything is okay), I get this way every once in a while ;-)

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, that's okay. You came up with good ones earlier. I like hearing from you even if it's a quick hello.

jmeped said...

Hello then! I'm not sure I like the icon I feel like it looks like she's fainting. I just learned to post an icon, and I liked it but now looking at her she's definately fainting.
Thanks for the pot, I am going to make my sauce for lasagne in it later. = )

Mayden's Voyage said...

PW- just reading and laughing at some of these great comments! :)
My power would be this:
When a stupid News reporter comes on TV (weather channel included)- he would be able to hear my wise-ass comments on his lame reporting...AND the he's STOP! Or better yet- start arguing with me. Then PJ could make him pee in his pants! LOL :)

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, I LIKE your icon. Don't go changin' (the icon), to try to please me ...

Or something like that.

Don't Bogart that lasagna! I'll be right over!

puerileuwaite said...

Mayden, I like it. I like it a lot! You are wicked enough to make it into my "circle of trust".

Mayden's Voyage said...

Oh my-
Your circle of trust--
:) Just what I have been waiting for :)
I need to be in someones circle!!!

-Cora :)

puerileuwaite said...

Yes, FM, I opted for a circle after I found the pentagram was creepin' way too many people out ;-)

Anonymous said...

Wonderful and informative web site. I used information from that site its great. »