Ecology Lesson

While walking through the woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day cupcake..."

.

Puerileuwaite Keeps Quiet

By Amanda Huginkis
2 hours, 55 minutes ago

What was supposed to be a public affair has ended up being pretty hush-hush.


Puerileuwaite, who had a full schedule of appearances lined up to promote his new album, "Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks", is sidelined with a strained vocal cord and has been ordered not to sing, his publicist confirmed Monday.


His physician warned the "approximately" 26-year-old songbird not to use it or else face losing it, stating Puerileuwaite should refrain from speaking while giving his pipes time to rest. This apparently means ALL pipes, so consorting with groupies is also off-limits.


The setback forced Puerileuwaite to cancel a date with The Late Show with David Letterman and a Friday performance on the Today show is now up in the air. Instead, the "Holding My Own" singer flew to New York a day earlier than planned and met with a voice specialist.

"He's on total vocal rest, and some of his appearances have been delayed," said publicist Hugh Jazz. "He can talk, he can croak out a few sentences. He sounds a little off, but, you know, he can't sing." Questioned further as to whether this was a new condition, or in fact a problem that Puerileuwaite has always had, Mr. Jazz quickly fled the room.


The specialist described Puerileuwaite's problem as either a strained or bruised vocal cord. Experts worldwide have recommended its complete removal, along with the others, just to be on the safe side.

Puerileuwaite did manage to drop by Total Request Live Tuesday, where he hoarsely introduced music videos, and briefly flashed his ta-ta's.


A friend of the Teen Choice Award winner for Creepiest Trenchcoat Guy told Bad Touch Magazine that Puerileuwaite, who has been communicating with people via crude dolphin-like squeals and random groping, was feeling physically okay but was bummed about the bad timing.

"Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks", Puerileuwaite's first album on Stalker Records since making the switch from Coloniscope--as well as his first album post-deflowering--comes out on Tuesday. A half-hour MTV special, Puerileuwaite: A Private Man by Public Vote, airs Sept. 4. The (luckily) pretaped show promises a "very sexually intimate performance of songs from his new album" and "an exclusive inside look at Puerileuwaite's inner workings."


MTV has long been a good friend to its onetime key grip. The video for the dance-happy eponymous first single from "Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks" featuring John Bobbitt, Paris Hilton, Jerry Mathers, Slim Whitman, Andy Dick and Ryan Seacrest, directed by Mark Ratner, debuted on MTV's TRL July 19.

Billboards We'd Like To See - Part III

Back by popular demand! Enjoy!

Finding the Right Employee

"Welcome aboard." Have you ever had someone inflict that greeting on you when starting a new job? It's annoying. Which is why I've used it more than once. I'm a bastard! For me it evokes contrasting images of both the Love Boat and the Poseidon.

Which is fitting when you think about it. For the first six months or so, if you're lucky, your new company IS the Love Boat. Good vibes, interesting afros, shack-up opportunities, free-flowing alcohol, and problems that are cheerfully resolved within an hour.

Eventually you pass the one-year point and soon thereafter find yourself on the Poseidon. Darkness rapidly sets in, and the swells ominously increase in frequency and amplitude. A fog-thick malaise descends and engulfs. Finally there's a splash, a crash, and a slow roll over (only this time it's not your 401K).

On the other hand, here is one that makes me want to get violent: "Where did we get you from?". Where? From ... the same place ... as ... this FIST! POW! And ... look ... from the same place ... there's ANOTHER fist! POW!

And of course there are countless other boorish introductions that are foisted upon us with painful regularity. Feel free to share your favorites!

Yesterday I had to take an online "personality assessment" as part of the interview process for a job opportunity. It was painless enough. Only 2-pages filled with check boxes to choose from. And it's not the first time I've been asked to complete one of these, so I'm relatively comfortable with them.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: "That's because it's YOU, Puerileuwaite. Hell, they oughta evaluate and monitor your thought processes EVERY day. And make sure that you're not toting any heavy dufflebags or "curtain rod boxes" into the building, for Chrissakes.". S.O.B.'s.

I won't go into detail as to the specific layout and content of the latest test. Suffice to say that I knew better than to check the "I like Calvin and Hobbes cartoons" box, since I know that is how they identify potential serial killers.

The purpose of these pre-screening devices for job applicants should be obvious. While companies remain ambivalent about the mental well-being of their employees, they have been reminded countless times over the years that problem employees can adversely affect the bottom line. So why not try to weed them out (except for Salespeople, where pathological social behavior and mild mental illness are precursors for greatness) before they get their crazy asses in the door?

In a future post, I hope to address the topic of personality assessment tests in greater detail. Even better, perhaps one of you want to rise to the challenge and take this task on. That WOULD show initiative. Something I am not sure you are capable of. Otherwise why would you be here instead of searching for a blog that has SOME socially redeeming qualities? But for now, allow me to briefly review some of the more common animals from the corporate zoo.



The Worker Bee. Comes with an eager, "can do" attitude. A drone who is so focused on his/her job and intense loyalty to the company, that sense of fashion and meaningful social interaction suffers for it. He/she is often disparaged with unflattering nicknames such as: "Suck Up", "Corporate Weasel", "Goodie Two Shoes", "Wayland Smithers" and "Ass Kisser". But his/her critics are just jealous that their lives are scattered across business and personal boundaries, while his/hers is compactly concentrated in one place. The workplace.




The Evangelist. This parasite attempts to recruit for their preferred religious affiliation whenever the opportunity presents itself; which is anytime an unsuspecting coworker wanders within 25-feet of their workspace. Insanity is the ultimate Dilithium Crystal* (* Attention nerds! Star Trek reference!), as it provides an endless supply of manic energy. If only the Evangelist expended even 10% of that energy on their actual job! He/she could carry the company on his/her back!




The Chatty Cathy. Don't be one. Avoid locations where they are known to dwell, such as lunchrooms, rest rooms, lobbies, hallways, parking lots, building entrances, rear exits, and of course the water cooler. In fact, the only safe haven from these types is your cubicle (Until they come to pay you a visit; so work on an escape plan ASAP. Every cube should have both a "fire" escape route and a "Chatty Cathy" escape route. Contact your local OSHA chapter for guidelines.). And just like the doll, the urge to throw the human version "under the bus" is frequently overwhelming.




The Top Dogs. These are the Chairmen, CEOs, CFOs, and occasionally Directors as well. Only the top dogs can be assholes. So if you're not one of the aforementioned "beautiful people", try not to be such a prick to your coworkers.




The Unstable Coworker. Rarely seen but known to exist. Who am I kidding? These time bombs are everywhere! And you never know what will set them off. Did you borrow a pencil and not return it? Did you inadvertently ask them to briefly perform some aspect of their job on your behalf? Are you one of them?




The Office Siren. There's always one, at least. But it's never a good idea to seek romance in the workplace. Or in the Ladies' Locker Room for that matter. Not so much for the threat of sexual harassment lawsuits. But rather because a failed office romance can render one inert, due to the resultant bickering and increased inertia. "Glen, I know that is was YOU who took the last donut, when you knew that I wanted it! You are such a cruel bastard! I should've never given you my cookies." "Doreen, this isn't about the donut at all, is it?"




The Sharks. Salespeople are expected to be obnoxious. They are also expected to make their quotas. At their best, they are superficial manipulators; at their worst they are the ultimate jerks. The good news is that they seldom last more than 6-months. The bad news is there's an endless supply of replacements.



Who did I miss? Quite a few, I'm sure. But that way you can all participate by adding your favorites!

Still Big In Asia

Mazel tov comrades,

It had been a while since I heard from them, so I started to become convinced that the Russians had lost the desire to intermingle my DNA with their own. I even started to worry that they no longer wanted to sap me of my precious bodily fluids (Raise your hand if you noticed the "Dr. Strangelove" reference. Now put your hands down, you silly bastards.).


But then the girls started a callin'. Today I received an email that says I have 5-unread messages from Russian women. So eat me, David Hasselhoff. The Germans may adore you, but I'm the "Czar of Love".


Oh, so it is proof that you want. Fine. So be it. Let's read some letters, shall we?


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #1 (Veronika):


I am Veronika.
Hi Veronika. I am Peurileuwaite. My name means "Czar of Love". I want to be your Archie, not your enemy.

I’m a happy and communicable girl.
Sounds wonderful. How communicable?

I have many friends. And I like to make new ones too.
I have no friends. Only commenters who pretend to be my friends, because that is how they get their perverse jollies. Are your friends perverse too? Likewise, I also, how you say, like to put the make on my friends. I try to convince them that we should make babies to help with workload. I am always losing friends but looking to make new ones.

I like serious people with a good sense of humor. I believe strongly in family and the security of a relationship with one man. Mutual respect and love for one another are most important.
If it is serious that you want, then I am happy to report that you have come to the right person. I am as serious as a heart attack from shoveling the snow of a Siberian winter. I too strongly believe in family. For a few years I belonged to a wonderful family. Charlie Manson was our glorious leader. He was much like your Josef Stalin. But the government needed him more, so we haven't seen him for a while. This made us sad. Some of us became angry that the government took our papa away.

I’m looking for a dynamic man. A man who is able to seek advantage from any situation. He is strong because of his love for family and husband. A man that wants to express himself to the world. I want him to be mature, reliable, caring and smart.
You are in luck, Veronika. I am very dynamic. I generate my own power with lower emissions (especially nocturnal ones) than previous models. And I am constantly looking to take advantage. I am strong because I work out and reprocess my own urine. I am fine with love for family (I still keep in touch with Squeaky and Charlie), but I'm not into men. Eurasians are as close to homosexuality as I care to venture, sorry. I do enjoy expressing myself to the world, however. Why just this morning I was warmly gesturing to fellow motorists on the way to work. I can be very caring as well.

I have some questions for you if you want to get to know me closer:

1) Are you interested in serious relations with Russian woman?
I can only manage semi-serious, as I am out of Viagra. But I do have Roman hands and Russian fingers to make up for any shortcomings.

2) Are you planning to visit Russia?
Sure. Can I become a citizen, denounce the U.S., and then visit Cuba too?

3) Would you like to correspond or to talk by phone?
I prefer to talk by phone. Corresponding by phone seems awkward.

4) Why are you interested in Russian lady?
Because the bar is low. They are used to Russian men. So I could be the Brad Pitt of Russia.

5) Have you ever been to Russia?
No. Is it warm? I like the tropics.

6) What is important for you in relations and am I right for you?
As an American, I need to always have my way. To answer your second question, I don't know you at all, and therefore cannot determine if you are wrong for me. Plus I've been drunk for the past half-hour and am listening to Michael Bolton ballads. So therefore, by my logic, if loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Bye for now, Veronika


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #2 (Irina):


I am Irina. I am open, caring, honest, romantic, smart, sociable. I love kids. I am charming, very cheerful person and like to communicate with my friends. I am very decent person and do not have bad habits.
Well then, Irina, I'm just what the docter ordered. My love is like bad medicine.

I am very tactful, steady, and good natured person. My friends say that I am very sympathetic, sensitive, caring and communicative.
Wow. My friends say the same things about me. Here, let me go find them ....... well, this is awkward. They seem to be out doing things right now. I'll have them get in touch.

Also I like home coziness and communication with nature.
Me too. How do you communicate with nature? I do it by walking through the woods at midnight talking to owls. Plus I telepathically bond with frogs by licking them. Do you have frogs in Russia? How do they taste?

I like to smile and to see the smile in the faces of other people.
So do I. Nothing makes me happier than to see people who are even happier than I am. Are people happy in Russia?

I like cooking, music, sports, painting, books, travelling, dancing, movies, art, flowers, boating, outdoors, seaside, romantic evenings.
Well, good. You'll have lots to do while I watch television. Do they have television in Russia? Do they have "Friends"? I hate "Friends".

As I love nature, I like to walk along the beach, watch the sunset or moon path. Being an active person, I go in for sport, in fitness if to be concrete, because as any woman I would like to be in a good shape.
Here in America we watch the moon itself. We all have very short attention spans, so we are unfamiliar with the "path" concept. If you're that easily fascinated, then I should be as captivating as an eclipse. If you're as firm as concrete, I can't wait to meet you. On the other hand, if you're as heavy as concrete, stay on the ship. I'm sure they can use you as ballast.

I would like to meet a smart, serious, sincere man who is able to make a woman happy.
Irina, it is your lucky day. I can make a woman happy in no less that 500 different ways. I even have a special bed (see my "Bed for Sale" post) with instructions. And I have a guarantee: if you are not happy after 30-days, I will return you for full credit. Such a deal!

Best regards, Irina


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #3 (Lelya):


I am Lelya. I am a very beautiful and sexy lady. I am a cheerful,
kind-hearted and optimistic girl. I am faithful, loyal, communicative,
sincere and open person, try to be always cheerful in spite of
anything, optimistic, I am serious and reliable, and in love I am
very, very romantic and gentle.
Good. I need you to be gentle, Lelya. Don't make me yell-ya. The herpes sores are very painful.

Let me think I have so many activities every day that it is quite difficult to write the favorite one.
Lelya, this is not summer camp. Life with me is more like one of your concentration camps. Consider yourself lucky if we manage to do one activity the entire time you're here.


I believe that my soul mate is somewhere out there for the world is so big and diversified! I would like to communicate with you and waiting for your reply!
Well, I'm transmitting on the soul station right now. Are you receiving? Come in Lelya.

Lelya


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #4 (Ekaterina):


How are you?
I am fine.

I hope fine. My name is Ekaterina. I live in Belarus. I am a charming, young, tender and passionate lady. I am a very beautiful girl. I am easy-going and open-minded, confident and interesting young lady.
How tender? Are you "split with a fork" tender?

I develop myself constantly and I have a many passions. I can pay attention to people. I am very feminine and tender. I like my life and I try to make it more happier not only for myself but also for people who surround me. I am not obstinate and I try to make a compromise. I lead active and health life style.
Develop yourself constantly? What are you, a roll of film? A spy perhaps? Out to steal the secret plans for my pirate cable box? I can pay attention to people too. I simply choose not to. How tender? Legal tender? Tender enough to mention it twice? Why do people surround you? Do you usually attract angry mobs? Do I always ask questions?

I am tactful and I have my own taste. I have a reach imagination.
Amazing. We could be twins! I too am tactful, and am praised frequently for my excellent taste. But to say that I have imagination would be a bit of a "reach".

I hope to find my special man, may be that man is you?
Are you kidding? I was so special that I had my own bus to ride to school in. That man is me (That Girl is Marlo Thomas).

Waiting for the letters


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #5 (Lilia):


Look at me! I am Lilia. I've always considered myself a kind and easy-going person, full of love and adoration for my mate. But my friends say that sometimes I can be very obstinate. Beauty is not the only advantage of mine. My leadership skills are very strong too.
Great. I need a strong woman to lead me. Into temptation, hopefully.

I consider a happy family to be the most important thing in my life. Being young, I adore learning new and interesting things. When I have some free time, I like to have a rest in nature with my friends.
I like to take naked naps in poison ivy with my friends. So far we appear to have much in common.

I like to be photographed. I love traveling very much and in future I dream to travel with my soul mate, because I think it is so romantic. I am looking for a man of my dreams and I would like him to be kind, tender, loving and understanding..
I don't know if this is relevant, but I happen to be a travel photographer.

Bye!


***

Eight Interesting Facts About Me

Hi all,

One posting formula I have managed to resist is the one consisting of "things about me". ("Who I Am" was different.) Until now. PJ just did an "8-Things" post on her blog, and apparently by reading it, I have been "tagged". So here goes.

***

1) I like vanilla ice cream, especially if said purchase irritates the crap out of other dinner attendees (Awwwww, why'd you get VANILLA ...)(Why? Because I'm evil! Bwahahahahahaha! Screw you! Don't have any then, you whiney pain-in-the-ass! More for me! More for me! Awwww, don't pout. Here, I'll give you money to go to Baskin Robbins. But wait ...... you can only buy more vanilla ice cream with it! Bwahahahahahhaha!)

What's not to like?



2) I am a dog person (like you couldn't tell). Not that I don't like cats (Especially kittens! Only a cold, heartless bastard doesn't like kittens. Bob Dole probably hates 'em. Babies too. This suspicion swung my (key) vote to Clinton.). I've owned 'em. But when the last one (my favorite) died, I decided to stop there. Plus, there is truth to the old adage: "Care for a dog - it thinks you're a god. Care for a cat - it thinks that it's a god.".

"I'm Bob Dole. As a Republican, I don't have to like kittens or babies. In fact, they both should be outlawed."



3) I like those "Love is ..." cartoons. ('Nuff said. I promised myself that I wouldn't get emotional today.)

I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.



4) The "Cathy" comic strip, on the other hand, bites the BIG one. In fact, during the process of "possible love interest evaluation", the "What do you think of "Cathy"?" question is always towards the top. (This is similar to the famous Groucho line: "Are you married? Do you have money? Answer the second question first.".)

One question. Is this comic supposed to be funny? (You may be wondering the same thing about my blog.)



4) My dream job is to be a writer, especially comedy, and for Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (MST3K for short) in particular. If you haven't seen any episodes, make a point to do so. I'd say more here about it, but I plan to do a future post on MST3K.

After a 10-year run, they no longer make 'em. But they ought to.



5) I despise the telephone, and given the choice, wouldn't have one. I don't carry a cell phone for this reason (even though my company would pay for it), but also because cell companies are particularly evil. The main problem is that people will actually attempt to CALL me on it. F*ckers.

But if I were to get one, it would be a version of the Motorola Razr.



6) I'm a straight guy (or else I'm in severe denial, so they tell me), but yet I LOVE a good musical...............okay, I'm back. I had to briefly prance around the room singing "Such a Pretty Me" from West Side Story. Since you're dying to know, my favorites include "The Music Man", "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", "Annie Get Your Gun", "The Phantom of the Opera", "The King and I", "Cats", "My Fair Lady", "Jesus Christ Superstar", and "West Side Story". I could go on, but that's enough gaiety for one post.

What kind of wood doesn't float?



7) I consider sex to be the most sacred form of personal amusement. With another person, the specialness of it takes on exponential proportions. This is why I am compelled to ask "that special gal" for it constantly. And to find as many "special gals" as I can.

I can't think of sex without visualizing Dr. Ruth. Nor would I want to.



8) I enjoy conversations with people who can keep their side to 50-words or less, preferably double-spaced. This is why they have you do this on your school papers! Get a clue, Einstein!

Silent Cal. Former American President. A woman who sat next to him at a dinner bet that she could get him to say more than 2-words. At the end of the evening, he turned to her and said "You lose.". What a charmer!



9) This one is a "bonus thing". Similar to number 4 above, I use the TV show "Friends" for evaluation of potential "new hires". If they HATE the show, they're in. No further explanation should be necessary.

The urge to punch anyone who introduces himself as "Chandler" may prove too overwhelming to resist. Sorry. It's a character flaw that I possess.


***

Now it's your turn. I want all of you do one of these. And for heaven's sake, would you at least TRY to portray yourselves as interesting people?

What a Woman Wants

A recent post on a friend's blog was the inspiration for this one. In it, she meticulously describes her ideal man. Since the majority of my readers (at least the ones who bother to comment) are women, I can't help but wonder if they have virtually the same image of "the ideal man". And would he be anything like me?

You see, from reading many posts and comments by women over the past few months, I've concluded that most are dreaming of the same "Hemingway-esque" kind of guy. So I decided to channel (It's a gift that I have, thanks. And no, you can't borrow it.) Ernest Hemingway, in order to procure his objective opinion on yours truly. To see how I stack up.

***

Ernest Hemingway's assessment of Puerileuwaite:



"Puerileuwaite was a man's man. Never bothered to ask women out. Didn't have to. He expected it of 'em. Women were not his friends, damn it. They were made for lovin'. Strange women make the best bedfellows, fellows, Puerileuwaite would loudly proclaim after a belt of whiskey.

Chances? Chances were for carnivals, he'd often bellow. Puerileuwaite took risks, not chances. If a woman had the gumption to protest his lurid advances with a "How does never sound?", this mass of masculinity would toss her over his shoulder like a sack of meat. Then he would haul her to his bed for some steamy lovin'. Damn the torpedoes, save for one. Full speed ahead.

Puerileuwaite had little patience for panty-waisted frat boys. He would pound them repeatedly until his knuckles were blood red and bone white. Drinking in moderation and arbitrary curfews were not part of this scrapper's vocabulary. He made his own rules. Which he would then break like Dolly Parton's bra straps at an aerobics workout.

He liked no-nonsense women. But he loved the non-verbal types most of all. He didn't want to be coddled or taken care of. He wanted just two things from women. To see 'em naked, and to see them off. Having no desire to keep a woman, he just wanted to keep 'em from stayin'.

Active, well-educated, outgoing energetic ladies were his prey, and his athletic, muscle-rippled body was the lure. Though not rich, he was financially stable. A one woman at a time kind of guy. A born hell raiser at home, he still enjoyed a night on the town. He worked hard, he played even harder. He drank even harder than that.

He fancied a female companion that he had to be on his toes to keep up with. He knew that a gal had the right to constantly change her mind and mood. And he met this challenge the same as he would in landing a prize-winning marlin. With equal parts patience and tenacity.

He loved a good scrap. He loved to roll up his sleeves over his brawny arms and get dirty. His love of the outdoors found him perpetually in jeans and t-shirts. He hated desks and the khaki-wearing sons of bitches hiding from life behind 'em.

He was a tiger, this one. He wasn't afraid of man or beast when it came to making his principles known clear to each end of a crowded saloon. His balls were the size of coconuts, and just as hard. His head was even harder than that.

To hell with Neil Young, Puerileuwaite would shout. A REAL man doesn't need a maid. Women weren't maids to this man. They had only one purpose. His pleasure. This was how it was gonna be, he would tell them. Leaving little room for doubt or negotiation. Love it or shove it, Clementine. His way or the highway.

He was first and foremost an outlaw lookin' for his next crime spree. A true bad ass cowboy of love. He knew that in the end we are all worm meat anyway. "Savor the wild ride while you can" could've been his motto, had he had the time or patience for one."

***

Thank you, Mr. Hemingway. That was pretty decent of you. I am humbled and flattered. Your endorsement has made me completely mental, I must say.

My World Rocked By Scandal

Puerileuwaite to Magazine: I'm Celibate
Aug 5, 10:05 PM EST

The Associated Press

LONDON -- Puerileuwaite says he is sick of women and is celibate.

The 25-year-old (actually he is slightly older but bends the truth for greater sex appeal) who gained international fame when a former girlfriend posted a videotape of the couple having lurid (he loves that word, and insisted that we add it) sex on the Internet denied leading a promiscuous lifestyle in an interview with the British edition of GQ magazine.



"I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Puerileuwaite, who told the magazine he has had sex with only two men, er women (okay! they were mannish women) during his lifetime.

Of his videotape with Paris Hilton that became one of the most searched-for items on the Internet in 2003, he said: "I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money for senseless acts of beastiality and she should give it all to some charity for the sexually abandoned or something."


The Thrifty Nickel Saver heir and uber-goober told the magazine he is "very shy" and relates to the late Princess Diana, who was also hounded by photographers, and was the subject of a tragic Elton John song modification as well.

"I've been in cars driven by intoxicated Frenchmen trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," Puerileuwaite is quoted as saying. "Strangely enough, I've also been in cars driven by frightened paparazzi trying to get away from intoxicated Frenchmen."



He also went on to describe his fear of "psychos and nut-cases out there who don't view my life as newsworthy".

During the interview, Puerileuwaite also displayed some political illiteracy, referring to President Bush as a "beacon for competency" and Laura Bush as "our sexiest First Lady since Dolly Madison". Visibly under the influence, he then uttered a barely coherent remark about their "cupcakes".

When asked about British Prime Minister Tony Blair, his response was: "Who? ... Oh, yeah, he was in that creepy "Exorcist" movie, and didn't he also sleep with Rick James?".




Puerileuwaite also told the magazine he collects $500,000 in fees just to show up at parties and that he comments on other blogs as part of his community service obligation. His best-paying gig, he said, was a recent Austrian appearance, where in his inimitable style he arrived in full kangaroo costume drinking a "Foster's".




"I had to say `heil' and lay it on thick why I loved Austria so much, due to threat of non-payment. " he is quoted as saying. "It wasn't easy to think of anything genuine, so I simply said I'd lay down for them anytime, just as they did for the Germans." Danke-shame, indeed.

And why does he like Austria? "Because they pay me $1 million to wave at crowds!" "Pwnd! Suckers! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."

(Picture stolen from "The Idle Receptionist")


***

Oh, and if any crackheads are interested in the Paris Hilton original version, here is the link.
http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=229773>1=7703

Don't hate me because of the simple life that I lead. Just love me.

Inspirational Quote for the Day

I'm in a different frame of mind today. So please forgive the departure from my usual posting style. Every once in a while I feel to need to reflect and regenerate.

Each day we are subjected to unkind behavior and cynicism. Some of us (I find myself in this category) are in protracted battles against adversity. Working hard just to survive, let alone succeed. Feeling rapidly used up, just trying to keep up. Most days I cope by leaning on my sense of humor, and by attempting to share it with you lucky devils!

We can't let negative people, events or situations make us permanently bitter and cynical. We can fight back, and not allow our personalities to conform. Pay them back in kind, THEY win; rise above it, and WE do.

Waiting for better circumstances to be happy and be the people that we'd like to be? Why do we allow external conditions to shape our personas in the first place? Dumb. What are we, plankton?

I heard a great Bruce Willis quote in a movie last Sunday: "It's time to cowboy the f*ck up!". In other words, get tough. I like that. I know it seems out of place in this post, but then again it really isn't. Don't get "mean" tough, get "rise above it" tough.

Those of you who are somewhat familiar with my writing already know my thoughts on organized religion in general. We should never allow ourselves to be spiritually manipulated by others, nor beholden to any form of dogma for simple sake of tradition. Personal enlightenment is an individual journey for most of the way.

However there have been, are, and shall be exceptional role models, independent of their religious affiliations.

Mother Theresa was an INCREDIBLE person. If ever there was the embodiment of the Supreme Being's essence here on Earth, it was this wonderful human being.

I get goosebumps reading the majority of her quotes. She just resonates. So don't be surprised if I make these types of posts a semi-regular event.

This is one of my favorites. I hope you enjoy it.

***

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

***

Sorry if this post wasn't your cup of tea. I needed to write this one for me. Thanks.

Everyday Superheroes

Underdog, cartoon pill popper. Did he have a prescription for those "Super Energy Pills"?


Hey ya,

I decided to ride the novelty greeting wave a tad longer. This one should be obvious. Here's the deal. I used a rare technique called "moderation" (some of you people should look into this) a few years back when this Outkast song was all the rage, and didn't overdo it. So now I can still enjoy listening occasionally without the vomit reflex kicking in. I liked their video for it too. Hopefully this isn't the last we'll hear from Outkast. But who am I kidding? William Shatner already has them up on the big screen with photon torpedoes locked on for his next "One-Hit Wonders" show.

"Pizza Deliverance" was a random lightning strike, since I'm still struggling to think of topics that I can post without needing a shitload of research to make them credible. So I'm getting more in the habit of building posts on the installment plan, hoping to put enough "lipstick on these pigs" over time in order to meet your pitifully low standards, and publish them only when sufficiently "ripe".

Fortunately/unfortunately, I did this one on the spot.

Since my topic is everyday superheros, let's get started with the admission that this is not a bold new post idea. It's been done countless times before. And it's almost always boring as hell. Possibly the blog world equivalent of the local news "human interest" story.

I could've stuck with the tried and true coma-inducing formula of mentioning who my favorite Superhero is, and why I like him/her, and then momentarily distract you from your irritation by asking you who YOUR favorite is (suckers! pwnd!), but I'm going to take the high road this time. Just don't get used to it.

I want us all to "stretch" a bit. Not like that dude from the "Fantastic Four", mind you. I mean our imagination* (* as an occasional yet reluctant trainer, I'm usually tolerant of remedial students; but in this case I'd like to ask the dimwits among us to Google "imagination" immediately, and rejoin us at the paragraph after the next one. This should give you time to spell check before you search.).

Since I just mentioned the film, my libido compels me to express my "appreciation" for Jessica Alba in her role as "Firegirl", or whatever her friggin' name was. Her powers were indeed super, but I couldn't help but wonder how they could be utilized in everyday situations, say for instance, I dunno, casual s-e-x? Not being one to "shoot for the moon" (unless THAT WAS my superpower, and wouldn't that be cool if it was! I'd be able to take credit for all those craters!), so if I were her boy-toy, I'd modestly use her warming-on-demand ability to save me from trips to Walmart for K-Y Heating Lotion. Screw saving the planet from evil-doers, I want to save myself my the embarrassment of trying to sneak past checkout line lookie-loos.

By now you probably realize that I'm not about to guide you through moving tributes to real-life saints and Samaritans doing wonderful things for their fellow man. I'd like to, but I'm currently not in a dire enough situation for them to tend to my needs and in the process provide their story for me to subsequently reflect on. No, this is about those superpowers that would provide us with a slight edge to more efficiently and joyously navigate through our mundane, everyday lives.

So here are the ground rules. The powers can't be flashy. They have to be subtle, yet useful. We should be able to use them on a daily basis without folks catching on that we have them.

Here goes with my first dozen. I would like the ability, via thought control, to:

1) Momentarily close peoples' throat passages. This power would never be used to kill or permanently harm. Just to correct behavior that I deem as "inappropriate".

2) Open elevator doors without the actual elevator itself being present. This alone would help to thin salesman and executive herds to socially responsible levels.

3) Force road crews to work on and complete a SINGLE stretch of highway before they can start a new one.

4) Create force fields at will that prevent rich bitches from entering stores (and their parking lots) until I am done.

5) Momentarily reverse gravity at ballparks, selectively targeting anyone attempting to start the "wave".

6) Convert police radar guns into rear-firing impotence rays. Oh wait, nevermind, they already do that.

7) Brainwash Americans into considering and voting for third-party candidates.

8) Triple "W"'s IQ for the remainder of his term.

9) Redirect all underground oil to American well-heads.

11) Render large SUVs inoperable.

12) See through women's clothing, but only when I choose to. Not like those x-ray specs that you could order from the back of comic books when I was a kid, either.

(Oh, this one reminds me of something HUMOROUS THAT REALLY HAPPENED! This is one of those "friend of a friend stories". My friend's friend was at a packed theatre in a college town watching the original "Superman". As you may recall, there's a point in the movie where Clark (Christopher Reeve) is on a rooftop patio with Lois (Margot Kidder), and he is trying to convince her that he has superpowers. She wants proof. So Lois asks what color panties she has on. Clark stares for a few seconds, then finally blurts out "pink". Sure enough, some wiseass in the audience yells "You looked too far!".)

Next time I will think of more altruistic powers for 13-thru-24.

That is all for now. Though I could go on and on. I mustn't be greedy. Now let's hear yours. I am expecting you all to improve on my mediocre, whiskey-influenced submissions.