Still Big In Asia

Mazel tov comrades,

It had been a while since I heard from them, so I started to become convinced that the Russians had lost the desire to intermingle my DNA with their own. I even started to worry that they no longer wanted to sap me of my precious bodily fluids (Raise your hand if you noticed the "Dr. Strangelove" reference. Now put your hands down, you silly bastards.).


But then the girls started a callin'. Today I received an email that says I have 5-unread messages from Russian women. So eat me, David Hasselhoff. The Germans may adore you, but I'm the "Czar of Love".


Oh, so it is proof that you want. Fine. So be it. Let's read some letters, shall we?


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Letter from Hot Chicksky #1 (Veronika):


I am Veronika.
Hi Veronika. I am Peurileuwaite. My name means "Czar of Love". I want to be your Archie, not your enemy.

I’m a happy and communicable girl.
Sounds wonderful. How communicable?

I have many friends. And I like to make new ones too.
I have no friends. Only commenters who pretend to be my friends, because that is how they get their perverse jollies. Are your friends perverse too? Likewise, I also, how you say, like to put the make on my friends. I try to convince them that we should make babies to help with workload. I am always losing friends but looking to make new ones.

I like serious people with a good sense of humor. I believe strongly in family and the security of a relationship with one man. Mutual respect and love for one another are most important.
If it is serious that you want, then I am happy to report that you have come to the right person. I am as serious as a heart attack from shoveling the snow of a Siberian winter. I too strongly believe in family. For a few years I belonged to a wonderful family. Charlie Manson was our glorious leader. He was much like your Josef Stalin. But the government needed him more, so we haven't seen him for a while. This made us sad. Some of us became angry that the government took our papa away.

I’m looking for a dynamic man. A man who is able to seek advantage from any situation. He is strong because of his love for family and husband. A man that wants to express himself to the world. I want him to be mature, reliable, caring and smart.
You are in luck, Veronika. I am very dynamic. I generate my own power with lower emissions (especially nocturnal ones) than previous models. And I am constantly looking to take advantage. I am strong because I work out and reprocess my own urine. I am fine with love for family (I still keep in touch with Squeaky and Charlie), but I'm not into men. Eurasians are as close to homosexuality as I care to venture, sorry. I do enjoy expressing myself to the world, however. Why just this morning I was warmly gesturing to fellow motorists on the way to work. I can be very caring as well.

I have some questions for you if you want to get to know me closer:

1) Are you interested in serious relations with Russian woman?
I can only manage semi-serious, as I am out of Viagra. But I do have Roman hands and Russian fingers to make up for any shortcomings.

2) Are you planning to visit Russia?
Sure. Can I become a citizen, denounce the U.S., and then visit Cuba too?

3) Would you like to correspond or to talk by phone?
I prefer to talk by phone. Corresponding by phone seems awkward.

4) Why are you interested in Russian lady?
Because the bar is low. They are used to Russian men. So I could be the Brad Pitt of Russia.

5) Have you ever been to Russia?
No. Is it warm? I like the tropics.

6) What is important for you in relations and am I right for you?
As an American, I need to always have my way. To answer your second question, I don't know you at all, and therefore cannot determine if you are wrong for me. Plus I've been drunk for the past half-hour and am listening to Michael Bolton ballads. So therefore, by my logic, if loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Bye for now, Veronika


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Letter from Hot Chicksky #2 (Irina):


I am Irina. I am open, caring, honest, romantic, smart, sociable. I love kids. I am charming, very cheerful person and like to communicate with my friends. I am very decent person and do not have bad habits.
Well then, Irina, I'm just what the docter ordered. My love is like bad medicine.

I am very tactful, steady, and good natured person. My friends say that I am very sympathetic, sensitive, caring and communicative.
Wow. My friends say the same things about me. Here, let me go find them ....... well, this is awkward. They seem to be out doing things right now. I'll have them get in touch.

Also I like home coziness and communication with nature.
Me too. How do you communicate with nature? I do it by walking through the woods at midnight talking to owls. Plus I telepathically bond with frogs by licking them. Do you have frogs in Russia? How do they taste?

I like to smile and to see the smile in the faces of other people.
So do I. Nothing makes me happier than to see people who are even happier than I am. Are people happy in Russia?

I like cooking, music, sports, painting, books, travelling, dancing, movies, art, flowers, boating, outdoors, seaside, romantic evenings.
Well, good. You'll have lots to do while I watch television. Do they have television in Russia? Do they have "Friends"? I hate "Friends".

As I love nature, I like to walk along the beach, watch the sunset or moon path. Being an active person, I go in for sport, in fitness if to be concrete, because as any woman I would like to be in a good shape.
Here in America we watch the moon itself. We all have very short attention spans, so we are unfamiliar with the "path" concept. If you're that easily fascinated, then I should be as captivating as an eclipse. If you're as firm as concrete, I can't wait to meet you. On the other hand, if you're as heavy as concrete, stay on the ship. I'm sure they can use you as ballast.

I would like to meet a smart, serious, sincere man who is able to make a woman happy.
Irina, it is your lucky day. I can make a woman happy in no less that 500 different ways. I even have a special bed (see my "Bed for Sale" post) with instructions. And I have a guarantee: if you are not happy after 30-days, I will return you for full credit. Such a deal!

Best regards, Irina


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Letter from Hot Chicksky #3 (Lelya):


I am Lelya. I am a very beautiful and sexy lady. I am a cheerful,
kind-hearted and optimistic girl. I am faithful, loyal, communicative,
sincere and open person, try to be always cheerful in spite of
anything, optimistic, I am serious and reliable, and in love I am
very, very romantic and gentle.
Good. I need you to be gentle, Lelya. Don't make me yell-ya. The herpes sores are very painful.

Let me think I have so many activities every day that it is quite difficult to write the favorite one.
Lelya, this is not summer camp. Life with me is more like one of your concentration camps. Consider yourself lucky if we manage to do one activity the entire time you're here.


I believe that my soul mate is somewhere out there for the world is so big and diversified! I would like to communicate with you and waiting for your reply!
Well, I'm transmitting on the soul station right now. Are you receiving? Come in Lelya.

Lelya


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Letter from Hot Chicksky #4 (Ekaterina):


How are you?
I am fine.

I hope fine. My name is Ekaterina. I live in Belarus. I am a charming, young, tender and passionate lady. I am a very beautiful girl. I am easy-going and open-minded, confident and interesting young lady.
How tender? Are you "split with a fork" tender?

I develop myself constantly and I have a many passions. I can pay attention to people. I am very feminine and tender. I like my life and I try to make it more happier not only for myself but also for people who surround me. I am not obstinate and I try to make a compromise. I lead active and health life style.
Develop yourself constantly? What are you, a roll of film? A spy perhaps? Out to steal the secret plans for my pirate cable box? I can pay attention to people too. I simply choose not to. How tender? Legal tender? Tender enough to mention it twice? Why do people surround you? Do you usually attract angry mobs? Do I always ask questions?

I am tactful and I have my own taste. I have a reach imagination.
Amazing. We could be twins! I too am tactful, and am praised frequently for my excellent taste. But to say that I have imagination would be a bit of a "reach".

I hope to find my special man, may be that man is you?
Are you kidding? I was so special that I had my own bus to ride to school in. That man is me (That Girl is Marlo Thomas).

Waiting for the letters


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Letter from Hot Chicksky #5 (Lilia):


Look at me! I am Lilia. I've always considered myself a kind and easy-going person, full of love and adoration for my mate. But my friends say that sometimes I can be very obstinate. Beauty is not the only advantage of mine. My leadership skills are very strong too.
Great. I need a strong woman to lead me. Into temptation, hopefully.

I consider a happy family to be the most important thing in my life. Being young, I adore learning new and interesting things. When I have some free time, I like to have a rest in nature with my friends.
I like to take naked naps in poison ivy with my friends. So far we appear to have much in common.

I like to be photographed. I love traveling very much and in future I dream to travel with my soul mate, because I think it is so romantic. I am looking for a man of my dreams and I would like him to be kind, tender, loving and understanding..
I don't know if this is relevant, but I happen to be a travel photographer.

Bye!


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