Hello everyone,
I believe in omens. And I am not alone. One of my dear blog friends does too, and mentioned her omen (a rainbow that lasted for many miles) in her latest post. The only reason I don't mention her by name, is because some of you delinquents will go out of your way to piss on her rainbow in a sadistic attempt to make the colors run.
But enough about people who aren't me. Just a short while ago, I sat down at a coworker's desk to browse for porn on her computer (it's where I'm writing this post), and it was there that I spotted my omen.
It's a reminder, in the form of a bookmark, that I need to work on my relationship. It's entitled: "Don't Let Stress Bust Your Relationship", and it has 9-bulleted tips for taking the wind from your shorts and putting it back in your sails.
You're asking me, will my love grow? I don't know.
How did the fine folks at www.zimmy.com know that stress was making my relationship its bitch? Well, no matter. It's a bookmark, not a woman, so I'll dutifully listen to it and heed its advice.
***
1) Take a deep breath and count to ten before speaking
One ... two ... three ... four ... five ... six ... seven ... eight ... nine ... ten. There. Ten good reasons why I need to kill you right this instant. Wait. Did I just say that out loud?
2) Focus on your partner's positive traits
I like the way you leave each morning to go to work. Sure, I hate you at first. But after awhile the anger dissipates somewhat. I like how your absence makes the heart grow fonder. Oh, not my heart. But somebody's heart, I'm sure. I like how you have the same number of limbs that I do, making those countless hours as a youth in front of a full-length mirror practice time well spent. I like how you just know when to stop speaking and move on to snoring.
3) Recall a happy memory the two of you have shared
Remember when your mom passed away and left us all of that money? Remember when that chubby kid with the Prince Valiant haircut tripped and fell on the midway, smooshing his chocolate ice cream perfectly into his face? Remember those crisp fall mornings when we woke up to find that George W. Bush had been elected and then re-elected?
4) Reserve time for each other by trimming your to-do list
Trimming your hoo-ha has been on both of our "to-do" lists. So be there. Friday, 7PM. Informal attire. Blackhead removal gun: optional.
5) Find something that makes you both laugh
Honey, let's go see CrashTestComic's act. Oh wait, it has to make us LAUGH. Nevermind. I'm sure we'll think of something.
6) Do something nice for your partner to show you care
Jim Morrison once took a ring from a groupie that he just had his way with, and gave it to his girlfriend. Though admittedly it's not a Hallmark moment, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
7) Ask thoughtful questions about your partner's day
"So, how was the parking?" "Do they still have that vending machine on the 3rd floor?" "Are there any women at work that you consider to be more attractive than you?" "How many calories did you burn?"
8) Spend some time alone caring for your needs
Let's see. I'm low on hand lotion, so I'll need to swing by Walgreen's. Hmmmm, The Golden Girls comes on at 4. And then Katie Couric starts to weave her magic at 5. Then a quick sauna at the YMCA. That should do it.
9) Tell your partner that you love them, and why
Um, I love you. Why? Because if you love something, set it free. I saw a black-light poster like that once, from the hippy era. So you are free to go, my love. No, wait. Don't go. I just remembered that I haven't had my dinner yet.
***
Okay, you slackers. It's your turn. Love doesn't have to be a battlefield. It can be a beautiful field with manicured grass, fragrant flowers, and granite markers arranged in elegantly precise formations.
.
Gloom, Interrupted
10 months ago
123 comments:
Let me be the first to comment. That was a very educational post.
I found your rainbow girl. I won't say who she is either.
This is very useful Puggy. I will have to try this. I am going to practice one a day to see how it goes.
Lamby - Thank you. I wanted to help my readers with their relationships. Since they spend so much time with me here, I'm sure the help is needed.
Jmeped - We still need to fix your avatar. Have you tried grabbing it back from one of my posts?
Dykesdog - Let me know how it goes. You can be my first testimonial.
Such useful advice..perhaps now I can go another 21+ in MY relationship..
Thank you wise sage!
No problem, little lady.
(Unholsters an imaginary six-shooter, twirls it in the air, then deftly reholsters it.)
Just another day's work for the "Relationship Ranger".
OOOH...I like you in that cowboy outfit. Especially those boots!
Who said anything about an outfit? I just have my holster on; nothing else. That's why the Navahos call me "Two Guns One Rifle Firing Blanks".
oh..it was just my imagination then...I have this "thing" about outfits and uniforms....what can I tell you..
Oh..nice holster by the way.
To me, nothing strengthens a relationship more than defecating on your partner's head. If the relationship can survive that, it can survive anything.
Sex in Cleveland is nice too...
Leelee - Well in that case, I'll model my postman's uniform just for you. I no longer have the dufflebag full of firearms that goes with it, so it won't be truly authentic. I hope you don't mind.
Mighty D - Ah, what (as part of my nomenclature) I refer to as "Oprah's Tiara". Always a nice touch. The classy follow up move is to rinse it off with a Golden Shower. It's salsa-riffic!
Crash - Sex in Cleveland? Legal only in Ohio, so I've heard. You're either actually IN Cleveland right now, or you've just invented a euphemism for something so disgusting that "Cleveland" is the best descriptor.
Nah--just got back from Cleveland.
There is no euphemism here.
The only thing nice about Cleveland is looking at it from the rearview mirror--(much like sex with me must be like, I am told.)
/bark bark bark
10 ways to strengthen the relationship -vs- fifty ways to leave your lover.
8 non lactating teats cant override a bark-a-thon.
honey? STFU!!!!!!!!!
is that applewood smoked bacon frying? i wuv you.
/grrrrrrrr
Crash - Dude, I am so sorry. Both about Cleveland, and the unfortunate ladies (I'm assuming they were women) that you had your way with. ;-)>
k9 - Good point. Why does it seem there's many more ways to bail, then to stay and work on it? Mmmmmmmm, baaaaaacon ......
Is it okay to be in love with my penis? Or does that not count?
MSnay - As long as it doesn't go past the hand-holding phase, and you allow it to grow and see other people (women, ideally).
Thought I would let you know,today I had a opportunity, to enhance my relationship with my son, and at the same time enhance my partner's relationship with him.
I was in my "wife's car" with my son and I turned on her CD player ... guess what came out of the speakers, yep, Gay Aiken! See before your educational post, I would have started making fun of her taste of music in front of my son. But for fun I pretended it didn't bother me and let it play, just to see what my son would do ... in the name of science. I looked in the rear-view mirror and he was almost choking, his eyes were huge and he started screaming, "Not Clay Aiken!!! Not Clay Aiken!!" I was proud of him. Ejected Gay Aiken and in went Stevie Ray Vaughn
Jmeped - Nothing wrong with your boob fixation. If I were a hot chick, I'd be sexually harassing myself constantly. And heaven forbid, if a tumor developed, I'd be all over it. My theory is that's the REAL reason we dudes like football so much. Think about it. Take a football, cut it in half, and what do you have: a set of boobs. And don't even get me started on the concepts of scoring and backfield penetration.
The 2nd avatar IS better, but you will always be my "Cut The Crap" girl. We need to get get THAT one back. See if you can grab it from one of my old posts/comment sections. Otherwise I can put it in a post that you should hopefully be able to copy it from.
Dykesdog - So far, so good. But if you catch him enjoying Wham! or George Michael's solo stuff, look out. Ditto for Elton John or the gayrod (and pedophile) who did "Rock and Roll, Part II".
Girlgoyle - I have a limited attention span. Especially lately with all of the crap I currently have going on. So I'll tend to overlook omens in favor of post topics, if forced to choose. But I DO love the original "Omen" movie, and was tempted to buy it tonight at Walmart (I looked for "Team America" on a friend's recommendation, but they didn't have it); I ultimately went with "Napolean Dynamite" and "Screwed" instead. (I'm more of a comedy guy ... I know that's hard to believe).
Silly pooch on two things.
# 1 - What you say about football, but on the other hand, that's why it must be so popular. And plus football doesn't nag you like a wife or girlfriend.
# 2 - What you said over at my blog. Silly, silly pooch.
Do you mind if I call you pooch from now on?
Only if I can call you Lambo. Deal?
No
My "No" post is significant to me. Today is 9 - 27 - 06. The 27th day of September. And that was the 27th post.
Okay then, no deal.
You don't like being called pooch?
If you dish it out, you need to be able to take it. Call me pooch, and I'll call you Lambo.
So its going to be that way is it?
/t., I was going to post that next. Why oh why must it be this way? Why can't it be that way?
I'd like to add the following to the list...
#10 Avoid virgins, they're too clingy.
#11 Fight the urge to tell the truth.
/t. - It is now obvious that Lamby is really a wolf in sheep's clothing. Could we PLEASE do a cross-border exchange? We'll trade you Lamby for (the band) Rush.
"Love doesn't have to be a battlefield. It can be a beautiful field with manicured grass, fragrant flowers, and granite markers arranged in elegantly precise formations."
You really need to copyright that before some asshole, like me, swipes it and tries to use it for one of the sappy Hallmark cards.
The pug doesn't like me anymore. :(
Rev - Not that I'm a virgin, because let me tell you, I get PLENTY of action. And quite frequently I don't even have to immediately hand over cash, either.
But why is being a little "clingy" such a bad thing? If you just shared your body with me (ME! Out of all the countless men you could've picked!), what's wrong with showing my appreciation by exhibiting intense interest in every single facet of your life?
What's wrong with being "slightly" jealous, and going through all of your things, so I can make sure that no dude was ever as important to you as I should be?
Also, what's wrong with calling your cell phone every few minutes or so, to see how your day is going, and who you are with?
And when, for some strange reason, you stop answering your phone; what's wrong with IM'ing you constantly?
I'm beginning to wonder if women really know what they want.
On the other hand, I am COMPLETELY in agreement on #11. The next lucky(?) gal, if I'm dumb enough to fall into THAT trap again, won't know shit about me. All evidence of my past will have been destroyed. It's cleaner that way.
Plus it keeps the experience interesting. Is he a fugitive? Is he a serial killer? Is he bi?
If you view your relationship as if you've been captured by the enemy; giving out only name, rank, serial number, sexual favors and nothing else (not even under torture ... and believe you me ... there will be plenty of that), you just may survive to fight another day.
Pug, /t. will take me and give you the band Rush. That's a deal.
Nevermind about rev, you can keep her.
Limpy - Unfortunately, protecting my work and my ability to profit from it is that next plateau I've been unable to reach. There's always something on TV, or a new comment appears ... one that my OCD commands me to immediately address. But if someone else does the legal crap, and helps with design and imaging, I'd love to introduce a new line of greetings cards "for the rest of us".
Lamby - You have your moments. Sometimes you're okay. Sometimes you need to refill your prescription.
/t. - No marking Lamby down. I already did my homework, and factored the Canadian exchange rate into the equation. For the Bare Naked Ladies, you'd be required to take TWO Lamby's off of our hands. And I don't know if she has a twin (please dear God let it not be so!). ;-)
Believe it or not, pug, I'm learning a lot about myself on your blog.
I've learned its wrong to get jealous over silly little things. I had a crush on you. You were flirting with everybody. I couldn't have you all to myself. I had to realize this is an online friendship. So why shouldh't one enjoy themselves to the fullest? You did nothing wrong. It was me and how I took everything.
/t. came along and gave me what I wanted with an online friendship. He was there for me in the way I wanted someone to be. I guess I was looking for that type of online friendship.
Now if only my real life could be so simple.
wow
Pug, /t. will take as many of me there is to take.
I am having way too much fun here this morning.
Lamby, I loved your last comment. It was honest and insightful. Blogging is an illusion for the most part, with little bits of often-indistinguishable reality sprinkled in. We reveal only what we want to be seen. There's a sense of security knowing that one is anonymous and will only ever be a "virtual" friend to 99% of the bloggers one meets online. It is dangerous to cross that boundary by attempting to pursue an actual relationship with someone you know "virtually" nothing about. So I'm glad to learn that you've made that adjustment. I DO like you, my blog friend. 'Nuff said.
/t. - Good try, my shrewd trading partner. But I find Avril Lavigne to be even more tedious and annoying than the Bare Naked Ladies. Alanic Morisette is talented, and given the right lighting, borderline cute in a traditional Canadian way. If one is "into" Canadians, per se. Ditto for Anne Murray. She does nothing to heat up my "Snowbird". On the other hand, I will send you ANYTHING that isn't nailed down for Shania Twain. She's "Still The One", in my book. Tell her that something is "Up!" right here, so "Come On Over".
Hey Rev! Wow yerself!
Lamby, I'm just teasing BTW. I'd miss you if you left.
oh, i'd "wow" it alright...
pug, you are looking mighty sexy today. Wanna go someplace and be alone with me? We could have our way with each other.
Rev - Any way I can help, just let me know. BTW, I just noticed that wow upside down spells mom. So it's like mom (not mine, but somebody's) will be right there with us in spirit.
/t. - If you do that, MY heart will go on ... right on down to my stomach. It will then be violently spewed from my body. Near, far, wherever I are, er, am.
no, rev didn't learn about sex in a library, she learned it from her internet husband, Mighty Dyckerson.. He has taught her everything she knows.
Will you be my internet husband?
didn't you know that dogs herd lambs?
Lamby - That would be very interesting indeed. Hmmmmm ...
you two should have make up sex, when you're done fighting and trying to make each other jealous!
I learned about make up sex in one of those books at the library. It's one of the best sexual acts!
pug lets do it before I commit myself to /t.
No, /t. It just means we'll be faithful to each other.
A library on rev's blog? I gotta check that out.
I don't think a pug can keep up with a lamb. So herding may not be possible. Plus I have a height disadvantage. Perhaps I am doomed to being a "lone wolf".
I'll take you under my wool.
lambo just made me blush...
and I thought this was a PG blog!
Lamby - Under your wool? That sounds hot!
Rev - Nope. This is now an X-Rated PUG blog.
It will be hot for you pug, because my wool is hot.
BTW, I have to step away for awhile. So don't think I'm ignoring you.
You'er probably at work and going to lunch.
And what if he is?
rev can handle whatever I dish out.
I thought you'd want to teach me.
They look like friends of mine. And it looks like rev could be with him.
We don't need any book. We can teach each other.
I know, /t. It is pug, but someone had to take the picture.
did you take that picture?
so you don't want me to flirt with pug is that it?
and what will you do if I flirt with him anyway?
go ahead, I might look better in purple.
And you really don't want revree, she's got dyck and whoever else is in her harem. She does make a good friend though.
can you make me different colors?
If you don't stop I'm going to make people stew.
I think not. I think he's just letting us work out our friendship.
you callin me a whore Lamb?
no rev, I would never do that.
I'm back. I just played 18-holes of golf. So in a manner of speaking, I WAS in a pasture. Or next to one, actually. I had cows mooing on my backswing. I know there's a dirty joke in there somewhere. But I'm now tired and ready to turn in soon, so I let you find it. 101-comments! Thank you everybody. You provided an entertaining day for me.
18 holes of golf doesn't take that long. But I suppose that's your story and you're sticking to it.
I think you should do a weekly relationship advice post.
Lamby - With travel to and fro, yes, it did take that long. Does this mean I'm in the doghouse?
Pud - Welcome back, hot stuff. I'm considering making this a recurring theme (possibly one per week). My biggest concern is that it REALLY seems to bring out extra squirrelly-ness in some of my readers. I get further sucked into the vortex that should be THEIR madness, not mine. So we'll see.
wow over 100 posts...
ain't that special.
As for the original 9 things...
fuck, maybe thats why I'm divorced. I just didn't care enough.
I feel so enlightened reading that.
Can I *cough* Can I get a hug someone?
Miss_Lissa - Even though the educational system considered mr "special", I do not. When I do wear pants (usually it's clothing-free "below the equator" when I'm blogging; that way my bond with other bloggers is more intimate). I still put my pants on one leg at a time" just like every other Joe Six-Pack.
Marriage isn't for everybody. Perhaps it's not meant for anybody. I hate to bore you with "Nature Trivia" (that's for other bloggers who don't have access to the good(?) material like I do), but humans are the only species who appear to have a "formal" marriage ritual. And if anyone begs different, then I'm calling him/her out as a nerd for actually KNOWING of another example. Geez, get a life, people.
Pug, you've been in the dog house, but not for yesterday. I hope you enjoyed your golf game.
My thoughts have been too morbid lately...I should try this on my blog. All you guys know how to live.
Lambie you got purple!
/t. was experimenting again.
Lamby - I did! Hooray for me!
EOTR - This is living? And here I thought it was a cheap substitute for having a real life.
Puggy ... you are such a sweetheart!!! Don't worry we are often confused!!! You are still granted lesbianship!!! Thanks for the compliments! BTW - you are a perfect stalker ... far enough away I can still leav my door unlocked and walk nakked around the house with no worries!
Un momento! Did you say nekkid? In that case I'll be "movin' on up, to the east side". Go Chiefs!
You ever try and stalk a bitch without a car--and have to take public transportation...?
& the bus driver gets mad you you keep ringing the bell everytime you pass her house?
A bad omen...
Let's see- when I see a vulture over-head I'm pretty sure something died (Hey- what's that circling this blog-??? :)
And a good omen would be something with the # 5 in it. Or a Billy Idol song :) Or a white butterfly...really, I'll take anything for a good omen :)
Except a vulture of course.
Crash - Public transportation? That would completely destroy the romance. But it's funny, nonetheless.
FM - Vultures? Well that explains all of the bird shit. The poor man's correction fluid, I suppose.
I hope they never cross a pigeon with a cow.
Pug, Can you let me know when you have a new post up?
Soon, Lamby. I've had other things to tend to, so all I've been able to do is comment. Hopefully by late tomorrow.
I understand. I've been doing my usual rounds and people have been putting up stuff and I didn't find out until a couple of days later. I don't know why. Maybe I should refresh each time I visit a page.
No rush on a new post, do it when you get a chance.
Honey, I'm home!
Pug I'll take that pug puppy I'm looking for.
Where the hell is puerileuwaitefsdkfhsdfh?
That's what I would like to know. He must be living his life outside of the computer.
Lamby - It's always a good idea to refresh every new visit to a blog. That keeps it exciting and new sort of like The Love Boat. And in a manner of speaking, you do already have that pug puppy.
Rev - "I'm everywhere, Fokker." Sorry, I couldn't resist. Where were YOU? I was worried sick. You didn't blog, you didn't comment. Oh, why I even bother, I'll never know.
.t/ - Does your part of Canada have fire hydrants? Or is it too cold in winter? Please advise.
I'm glad I have that adorable pug puppy to snuggle and cuddle with. You know, pug, he's fun to cuddle with and he's an all around fun puppy to play with.
I'll do that refreshing. You never know what you'll find. I'll either find a new post or maybe even new comments.
Oh and pug, I like that .t/ gotta remember that.
where have YOU been?... last time I checked, mister it was your turn!!!
Oh oh pug, rev sounds angry. Better watch out!
Thank you, /t. I'm using the one you bought me.
You're right, revree doesn't like us anymore.
I'm beginning to wonder about you, .t/
Stete pen? Noose?
are you two crazy?
I had to rewrite my blog post and lost all comments that were made last night.
Good lord people, grow up!
I agree with you. /t..t\
Rev - You're right. Damn it. I AM a slacker! Pardon the faux paux.
/t. and Lamby - Be honest: are you two REALLY not tired of each other yet?
Jmeped - I've been on-strike until I heard from you again. Whew! Okay, I can post (soon).
Well its about time you showed up, pug.
I guess /t. and I have something real. Whatever that is. Better not tell him I said that becasue everytinme I get sappy on him he torments me for it.
If the truth be known, pug, /t. is the tormentor
Lamby, ./t - I have some great news for you both. I spotted a UFO in the tail of a comet heading this way. So while I mix you up a "special" batch of Koolaid, why don't you go ahead and change into your black jeans and t-shirts. Bags packed? Beds made? Good. Then here, have some Koolaid and lie down. The spacecraft should be here any time now ...
/bark bark bark
PW: it wont work unless she wears silver nikes as well. boppity bop bopp!
/grrrrr
Pug if its all the same to you, I'll just wait for the spaceship without drinking the koolaid.
puerileuwaiteskajhdspife, it looked like you're gaining support in the bachelor blogger war!
And what does rev get for being the 150th post here?
k9 - Good catch. Lamby, I'll buy you silver Nikes if you'll PLEASE drink the Koolaid. Otherwise the spaceship will refuse to land.
/t. - Trust me. In this case it's good to keep up with the Joneses.
Rev - I am humbled and flattered. Who knew that this humble, good-natured lover of people and wildlife would win a modest amount of adoration from women and clowns alike?
Rev gets 150 minutes of alone time with yours truly, where I pleasure her without the aid of visible tatoos.
That's hot!!!
Rev leaves the heels on, or so I've heard.
Woof!
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