Friday, July 28, 2006

Pizza Deliverance


Overview
The Cahulawassee River is soon to be destroyed, along with the beautiful country that surrounds it. Eager to make money from the indigenous population before they're displaced, entrepreneur and outdoor fanatic Puerileuwaite creates a business opportunity for him and his blog buddies to sell and deliver pizzas to the mountain men and backcountry people. Little do they know, they're in for much more than they originally bargained for. Selling pizzas to the unwashed masses anywhere can be an extremely unpleasant experience... especially deep in the American backcountry where nobody's on your side, and the tips that you are likely to receive are the ones that you would least likely want.

Delivery #1: 6:15PM
Mountain Man: Ray Don! Get yer ass on down here, now. There's a man from the county with some high-fallutin' e-quip-ment. Says he wants to do sum testin' fer ya!
Ray Don: Yes, pop?
Mountain Man: Jus' yankin' yer chain, son. It's really the pizza boy.
Mountain Man: [to Puerileuwaite] Why don't you take off that itty-bitty logo embroidered poly-cotton blend polo shirt. Them khakis too.

Delivery #2: 7:00PM
Mountain Man: I'm gonna make you cry like an onion, and slimy like an anchovie. Now squeal like a Honda Civic taking a right-hand turn at 40! Weeeeeeee!
Puerileuwaite: Weee!
Mountain Man: Weeeeeeee!
Puerileuwaite: Weee!

Delivery #3: 7:55PM
Mountain Man: What do you want to do now?
Toothless Man: [grinning] He's got a real purdy cap and name tag on him, don't he?
Mountain Man: Ain't that the truth.
Toothless Man: [to Puerileuwaite] You gonna do some prayin' for me, boy. And you better pray real good.
Puerileuwaite: Ummm, guys, please don't take my cap and name tag. My manager is a real asshole, and he'll dock my pay if I don't turn 'em in at the end of my shift.
Mountain Man: Dang, boy! No can do. See, Earl here, he collects caps, and hell, I need somethin' fer my troubles.
Toothless Man: Got dat right. Sheeeut.
Puerileuwaite: Look fellas, can't we make some kind of other arrangement? How about if I drop "trou" and bend over yonder log, and let you both sodomize me? Anything. Just not the cap and name tag.
Mountain Man: Damn, boy, how come ever' time you deliver a pizza, you try'n get us to sod-o-mize yew? Dat's wha the sheep is fer.
Toothless Man: Got dat right, Sheeeut.
Mountain Man: What you need is a lady friend, boy.
(Puerileuwaite recoils in horror, turns quickly, runs away)

Delivery #4: 8:40PM
Puerileuwaite: Damn, you play a mean banjo.
Mountain Man: Well, thanky, podner, but like I told you las' time, I ain't into sod-o-my, boy. So you jes leave it alone, friend.



This business idea was inspired by Malnurtured Snay, and a recent post of his in particular. I feel for you, brother! This one's for you.

55 comments:

ThursdayNext said...

My favorite lines: "I'm gonna make you cry like an onion, and slimy like an anchovie. Now squeal like a Honda Civic taking a right-hand turn at 40!"

The dialogue is hysterical!

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks thursdaynext! Glad to have you back.

Mayden's Voyage said...

This really isn't funny, and I shouldn't say it...but when I was visiting with family in the deep south recently- I wanted some milk to go in my tea. I asked my Uncle where the closest store was- it was at least 30 minutes away. I asked about the closest gas station with a mini mart- and it was 20 minutes away.
There's no way anybody in that town has ever ordred a delivery pizza- and if they tried to, I could imagine some of them trying to pay for their pie with live chickens :P (or moonshine :)

Paula said...

Here in the South we almost always put our teeth in before the pizza delivery man arrives.

jmeped said...

I don't know if I should laugh or hide under my bed! But if you insist on delivering pizza in the south I like sundried tomatoes and artichoke hearts. If it's not here in less than 30 minutes it's your ass.

puerileuwaite said...

Fair Mayden, the payment options don't bother me none. I like moonshine (I've had it and didn't go blind, even), and live chickens are entertaining on many levels. I guess I'm just a Southerner at heart.

puerileuwaite said...

PJ, now don't go and do anythin' special on my little ol' account, hon. (Why am I still writing like this? Oh, I know. Because it's FUN!).

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, sundried tomatoes and artichoke hearts? Well, you're either a Communist, or you've lived in California. Actually, don't the two go together? The good news is that I've had your pizza sitting open on my dashboard for half the day, so - take my word for it - sundried tomatoes will not be a problem. And does my ass have to be at stake with EVERY delivery? At this rate, I'm going to need one of those special "donut" cushions to sit on.

jmeped said...

Hey you offered sod-oh,um-me in the add! That's false advertisement as far as I'm concerned and I am from california, why do you think this place is so foreign to me? Still I will have a hemroid pillow and some cookies waiting. You can take a nap under my bed.

Mayden's Voyage said...

PW- My great Uncles were quite gifted in the brewing of Moonshine...(although one did blow up half of his house in the process! lol :)
None of those fine men ever had problems with their vision- unless it went double after one drink too many ;P

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...

FM, that cinches it. I'm crashing your next family reunion.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Will you do me a favor, (batts her eyes...) come and tell me if the problems at MV are better...please?
;)
I think I fixed it- and no teasing either! :P
ps- don't crash the ru-union, just come- you will fit in with the rest of us very well :)

Malnurtured Snay said...

Hah! I laughed, but I'm trying to figure out what post it was!

puerileuwaite said...

All better, FM. You now have a nice background box for the text, and I can still see your wallpaper on the edges. Looking good!

I would fit in with the rest of you? I going to go with my gut, and believe you meant that as a compliment! ;-)

puerileuwaite said...

MS, it was your "Dude, I never get you!" post (http://malnurturedsnay.net/?p=2276). It got me to thinking about some of the more rural deliveries you have to make, and my desire to incorporate "Deliverance" into a post. My limited imagination took over from there.

Mayden's Voyage said...

A compliment...yes :)
I've never been with a group of people I enjoy more~
And thanks for stopping by- glad you can read everything at MV :)

Party Girl said...

Hmmm, I was hungry for pizza. However, I have a sudden craving for pig. Pig accompanied byt a banjo.

jmeped said...

Wow I must be sick because I could have sworn that I already left a comment here. Something about my pizza and bed....where did it go? Cereal. ringing a bell?

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl, you just described my perfect evening of debauchery. Doesn't it always seem to start with a banjo?

puerileuwaite said...

I don't remember cereal, jmeped. The only comment that I deleted was one that wrote. Looks like I need to come over with my big bottle of Nyquil and a Hawaiian style pizza (for the Vitamin-C).

jmeped said...

I hate ham, and nyquil wont do me any good I have allergies remember. But you can bring a pineapple, and your poor sad dog and we can watch movies and eat cereal. ;-)

puerileuwaite said...

Well in that case, let the good times roll! Just don't give me what you got (wait, WHAT am I saying?!).

jmeped said...

Yeah, what are you saying? Last time I checked an allergic reaction to soy wasn't contagious. Besides if you don't want to snuggle and watch movies while feeding me captain crunch I'm sure I can find a clown to do it, humph!

leelee said...

do I hear strains of dueling banjos? yee haw I think I do

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, please don't Send In The Clowns! (Sorry, I had to write it.)

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee! Welcome back!

leelee said...

~curtsy~ Why thank you P...doing my best to get caught up on my life so I can blog again.

You've been busy I see...good stuff!!

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks leelee. I have to do the same (catch up on work/career stuff). Can't wait to get the vacation scoop.

karla said...

Mountainside sodomy aside, I came here to tell you I WILL NOT be fed the "just friends" speech, as you tried to do on my blog today. Just to spite you, I will now make it my mission to marry you and have 10 babies. I'm on my way over now to stalk you.

Tell the mountain men that I am a very jealous woman and they better steer clear.

puerileuwaite said...

Dear Karla, it's good to hear from you again.

Thank you for your interest. Your experience is very impressive, however I regret to inform you that I have selected a candidate (Clem, he lives up on the ridge) whose qualifications (he is kinder and gentler ... and he REALLY listens to me) more closely match my requirements (low-maintenance bedtime companion).

I shall keep your information on file, in case a suitable position (wait? TEN kids!? are you nuts?!) opens up (hell no it won't).

Normally I would put in a word for you, and perhaps even warn them of your jealousy and bring you here to meet them, but they just aren't ready for "exposure" to women. I hope you'll understand.


A happy Sadie Hawkins Day to you, m'lady. Would love to chit-chat more, but I'm busy here in the hollow working on my new six-toe, er, six-PART play, "Seven Brides For Their Seven Brothers Makes One Happy Klan".

GirlGoyle said...

Something tells me that in one of your deliverances you slipped and accidentally ingested a few too many slices of Hawaiian style pizza (for the Vitamin-C) while snorting Nyquil. Sodomizing the pizza delivery guy....there has to be a law against that kind of animal cruelty. You are tapped...no...seriously and ....wait a minute...i see you...outside my window delivering pizza to my neighbor the cow farmer....Is that you?? HOW DID U FIND ME?

puerileuwaite said...

GG, I HAD to come looking for you, seeing how you've been away so long. I thought you didn't *(I won't use the "L" word here, because I recall your recent lecture on the subject, so choose a verb that is appropriate for the amount of affection that you feel)* me any more. Under that tough exterior, you do care!

jmeped said...

I have to admit that I am lazy but decided for fun to scroll on down your blog and I am so in love with you now. I read the getting to know you part 1 and I laughed so hard I cried.

GirlGoyle said...

L as in...
like ?
lust ?
liaison ?
lechery ?
lewdness?
libido?
licentiousness?
longing?

What's it going to be huh?

Party Girl said...

How did you know that's how my nights always start out??!?!!?!

Hey! Were you tuning in Tokyo, too?

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped, I'll have to borrow from "Time Bandits" for this one: "They always crack in the end.".

Let that be a lesson to you, my little lambycakes. Your laziness almost cost us a shot at eternal bliss!

(While on the other hand, mine will slowly erode it over time. If you think about it, my way is more humane. We'll both be used up by the time happiness is entirely gone!)

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...

GG, to borrow from Meatloaf: "Baby, baby let me sleep on it. Let me sleep on it ... I'll give you an answer in the morning.".

(In my best Homer Simpson voice) .........mmmmmmmmmmm, meatloaf .........

You made me smile by virtue of every one of your "L" words having a positive connotation. But only you can prevent forest fires of passion from consuming us both through the selection of an inappropriate verb.

Perhaps the best word is the one that you cannot say. Not that you have to, since I can read you like a book (one of them Harlem Romance novels) ;-)

puerileuwaite said...

No, PG, I accidentally wandered into a flannel and leather bar. So I could only get Radio Free Europe.
Two Shirley Temples later I was three sheets to the wind. (Hey! That would make a killer country song.)

jmeped said...

Lesson learned. Funny man, crack kills. I would like to return this ass, it has a crack in it. Mine is broken, it's cracked, and my fav play nancy and just say no.

doggerelblogger said...

Sounds like you done and gone went native.

puerileuwaite said...

Well, doggerel, when in Rome (Georgia, that is) ...

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