Everyday Superheroes

Underdog, cartoon pill popper. Did he have a prescription for those "Super Energy Pills"?


Hey ya,

I decided to ride the novelty greeting wave a tad longer. This one should be obvious. Here's the deal. I used a rare technique called "moderation" (some of you people should look into this) a few years back when this Outkast song was all the rage, and didn't overdo it. So now I can still enjoy listening occasionally without the vomit reflex kicking in. I liked their video for it too. Hopefully this isn't the last we'll hear from Outkast. But who am I kidding? William Shatner already has them up on the big screen with photon torpedoes locked on for his next "One-Hit Wonders" show.

"Pizza Deliverance" was a random lightning strike, since I'm still struggling to think of topics that I can post without needing a shitload of research to make them credible. So I'm getting more in the habit of building posts on the installment plan, hoping to put enough "lipstick on these pigs" over time in order to meet your pitifully low standards, and publish them only when sufficiently "ripe".

Fortunately/unfortunately, I did this one on the spot.

Since my topic is everyday superheros, let's get started with the admission that this is not a bold new post idea. It's been done countless times before. And it's almost always boring as hell. Possibly the blog world equivalent of the local news "human interest" story.

I could've stuck with the tried and true coma-inducing formula of mentioning who my favorite Superhero is, and why I like him/her, and then momentarily distract you from your irritation by asking you who YOUR favorite is (suckers! pwnd!), but I'm going to take the high road this time. Just don't get used to it.

I want us all to "stretch" a bit. Not like that dude from the "Fantastic Four", mind you. I mean our imagination* (* as an occasional yet reluctant trainer, I'm usually tolerant of remedial students; but in this case I'd like to ask the dimwits among us to Google "imagination" immediately, and rejoin us at the paragraph after the next one. This should give you time to spell check before you search.).

Since I just mentioned the film, my libido compels me to express my "appreciation" for Jessica Alba in her role as "Firegirl", or whatever her friggin' name was. Her powers were indeed super, but I couldn't help but wonder how they could be utilized in everyday situations, say for instance, I dunno, casual s-e-x? Not being one to "shoot for the moon" (unless THAT WAS my superpower, and wouldn't that be cool if it was! I'd be able to take credit for all those craters!), so if I were her boy-toy, I'd modestly use her warming-on-demand ability to save me from trips to Walmart for K-Y Heating Lotion. Screw saving the planet from evil-doers, I want to save myself my the embarrassment of trying to sneak past checkout line lookie-loos.

By now you probably realize that I'm not about to guide you through moving tributes to real-life saints and Samaritans doing wonderful things for their fellow man. I'd like to, but I'm currently not in a dire enough situation for them to tend to my needs and in the process provide their story for me to subsequently reflect on. No, this is about those superpowers that would provide us with a slight edge to more efficiently and joyously navigate through our mundane, everyday lives.

So here are the ground rules. The powers can't be flashy. They have to be subtle, yet useful. We should be able to use them on a daily basis without folks catching on that we have them.

Here goes with my first dozen. I would like the ability, via thought control, to:

1) Momentarily close peoples' throat passages. This power would never be used to kill or permanently harm. Just to correct behavior that I deem as "inappropriate".

2) Open elevator doors without the actual elevator itself being present. This alone would help to thin salesman and executive herds to socially responsible levels.

3) Force road crews to work on and complete a SINGLE stretch of highway before they can start a new one.

4) Create force fields at will that prevent rich bitches from entering stores (and their parking lots) until I am done.

5) Momentarily reverse gravity at ballparks, selectively targeting anyone attempting to start the "wave".

6) Convert police radar guns into rear-firing impotence rays. Oh wait, nevermind, they already do that.

7) Brainwash Americans into considering and voting for third-party candidates.

8) Triple "W"'s IQ for the remainder of his term.

9) Redirect all underground oil to American well-heads.

11) Render large SUVs inoperable.

12) See through women's clothing, but only when I choose to. Not like those x-ray specs that you could order from the back of comic books when I was a kid, either.

(Oh, this one reminds me of something HUMOROUS THAT REALLY HAPPENED! This is one of those "friend of a friend stories". My friend's friend was at a packed theatre in a college town watching the original "Superman". As you may recall, there's a point in the movie where Clark (Christopher Reeve) is on a rooftop patio with Lois (Margot Kidder), and he is trying to convince her that he has superpowers. She wants proof. So Lois asks what color panties she has on. Clark stares for a few seconds, then finally blurts out "pink". Sure enough, some wiseass in the audience yells "You looked too far!".)

Next time I will think of more altruistic powers for 13-thru-24.

That is all for now. Though I could go on and on. I mustn't be greedy. Now let's hear yours. I am expecting you all to improve on my mediocre, whiskey-influenced submissions.