Eulogy

Friends,

I want to thank you for being here today, and express my sincere gratitude to those who have shared their sympathies and concern over the past few weeks. Finally I would like to thank His Holy Emminence The Bishop for presiding over the lovely service.

The loss of my good friend The Pug was heart-wrenching, and he may be gone, but he ain't forgotten. During his brief life, we had joy, fun, and - yes, damn it - seasons in the sun. All in spite of our lifelong shame of being the black sheep of the family (The sad truth that women are NEVER attracted to black sheep was an obstacle that The Pug - to his credit - brazenly refused to acknowledge).

Whew! Just where do I start? How can I compress volumes upon volumes of amazing journeys and lessons learned the hard way into just a few acedotes, so we can clear the room before they start setting up for the next event* (* testing for asbestos and Legionnaire's Disease, so I've been told)?


I suppose I could mention the time that a young Pug and I went on a day hike along the railroad tracks and discovered that dead body (which he peed on, to provide a brief comedic counterpoint and also a momentary respite from our pre-teen angst). Or the impromptu raft trip we took later on that summer, which resulted in the unfortunate lynching of the town's daycare provider.



And how could I omit the paradigm-shifting moment when I realized The Pug might be other-worldly, freeing a pregnant Amish girl from under an overturned carriage by jacking it up with his tail? Or the way he doused the encroaching flames with a forceful and precise blast of foam? (All present were certainly grateful that - despite the petition that had been circulating - he hadn't yet been fixed. Not only for the coconut-sized-testicle-fueled virility that the rescue required, but also because the unborn fetus was his, and not that sleazy lawyer Sonofabitch's.)



Surely his tendency to stop at (and urinate upon) every phone booth on our nightly sojourns should have served as an indication that he wasn't just your typical "mild-mannered" Pug who was fond of newspaper.

I would be equally remiss if I failed to speak of our early adulthood, and how we sowed our "wild oats" abroad. I reactively grin when recalling the annual "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona, where The Pug would purposely trip the other participants, rendering them into bovine speedbumps, and facilitating our escape.



Or of his subsequent Absinthe binges and descents into depravity with the local senoritas (at least, I THINK they were senoritas ... since everyone had a mustache, one could only rely upon cunning instincts, marginal sobriety and the "braille method"). In the end, our entire time in Spain can be recounted as a game of avoiding horns of one type or another, and of being men among men.



Later on, we would forgo the comforting peaks and fragrant valleys of Spain for the lure of the sea. It was time to leave the country where everyone knew him as "Papa" (especially the children ... and for good reason). The Pug was an avid deap-sea fisherpug and flogger of dolphin. After being yanked overboard one time too many by rambunctious marlin, he learned the straps were there for a reason other than "date restraint". Better to live another day to chase the elusive tuna and the crabs that always seemed to linger in the withering shadows of the wavering palm.

Due to our "Death Pact", only now can I admit that it was The Pug who pulled me out of that Tijuana brothel one debauched July evening, only to return the favor the following night. And I regret it was once too often that we found ourselves fierce rivals for the affections of the same woman.



I could go on for days. So many stories, so little time, I'm afraid. But I'm well aware that we are all due at Denny's for a lavish "special" buffet in Pug's honor, where we will all be expected to absorb Pug's sins along with the calories and carbs (I learned of this ritual from an old "Night Gallery" episode!), so that he may join W.C. Fields in Heaven fully vindicated, without need for audit or oversight.

Go now, my children. May The Pug be with you. Follow his lead, and do life "doggie style".



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Taking Some Time Away

Hi everyone,

My very good friend and alter ego, the Pug pictured in my avatar, died unexpectedly earlier today. I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while. I'll be back when I'm ready. Take care, my friends.

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Beware the Ideas of March: Custom On-Hold Music

Hi everybody!

By this point, you're probably all "Bermuda Triangled" out, and might be ready for yours truly to disappear into the great beyond if he mentions the subject again (Oops! I just did ...). So I thought I'd switch gears and share my ideas on a vastly different topic; one that I've been ruminating on, as I wonder why things are the way they are.

I had an epiphany (I would've preferred "Tiffany", but I couldn't locate the mall she's singing at): we need to do much better in one key area of civilization: "On-Hold" and background music. Now if you're like me (and who isn't?), you'll listen to the occasional tune and think, "THIS would be the perfect background song for ___________".

So here goes. I've opened the phonebook and am targetting the major industries that require my help (and yours ... well, SOME of you ...).

Accountants

You Never Give Me Your Money by The Beatles
Welcome To My Nightmare by Alice Cooper
Take The Money and Run by The Steve Miller Band
Money by The Beatles
Rambling Gambling Man by Bob Seger
Mony Mony by Tommy James and the Shondells

Acupuncturists

I Bleed by The Pixies
Under Pressure by Queen

Air-Conditioning

Cool Jerk by The Go Go's

Airlines

Crash by The Dave Matthews Band

Arson Hotline

We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel
Let's Get It Started by The Black-Eyed Peas
Fire of Unknown Origin by Blue Oyster Cult
Fire Woman by The Cult
Hot Fun in the Summertime by Sly and the Family Stone
Fire by The Ohio Players
Cities On Flame With Rock and Roll by Blue Oyster Cult
Burnin' For You by Blue Oyster Cult
Fire Lake by Bob Seger
Fire Down Below by Bob Seger
Light My Fire by The Doors
Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones
Puttin' Out Fire With Gasoline by David Bowie
Oops! I Did It Again! by Britney Spears
Pictures of Matchstick Men by Camper Van Beethoven
Eternal Flame by The Bangles
Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing by Chris Isaac
If You Love Someone, Set Them On Fire by The Dead Milkmen
Start a Fire by Graham Parker
Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple
Disco Inferno by The Trammps
Burning Down the House by Talking Heads
Cities In Dust by Siouxie and the Banshees
Burning Down One Side by Robert Plant
Fire by Jimi Hendrix
Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil
Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas
That Smell by Lynryd Skynyrd

Attorneys

Mack the Knife by Bobby Darin
The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia by Vicki Lawrence
Slippery People by Talking Heads

Bail Bonds

Set Me Free by The Kinks

Beauty Salons

Beautiful Loser by Bob Seger
Lola by The Kinks

Closets

Found Out About You by The Gin Blossoms

Coaching

Touch Too Much by AC/DC
(anything by Judy Garland)

Consultants

I Loved You So I Told You a Lie by Ted Nugent
Do The Brown Nose by The Dead Milkmen
Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin

Cruise Lines

Ship of Fools by Robert Plant
Love on the Rocks by Neil Diamond
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot
Sloop John B by The Beach Boys

Dairies

Maggie's Farm by Bob Dylan
Junior's Farm by Wings
Sex Farm by Spinal Tap

Dance

Dancin' Fool by Frank Zappa
I'm So Tired by The Beatles
Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen
When You Dance, I Can Really Love by Neil Young
Shake Your Hips by The Rolling Stones

Dating Services

I Hear You Knocking by Dave Edmunds
Who Can It Be Now? by Men At Work
Love is Like Oxygen by The Sweet
Give a Little Bit by Supertramp
Lady by Styx
Submission by the Sex Pistols
Another Piece of Meat by The Scorpions
Crying by Roy Orbison
Slave to Love by Roxy Music
Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones
When the Whip Comes Down by The Rolling Stones
I Didn't Mean To Turn You On by Robert Palmer
Super Freak by Rick James
That Ain't Love by REO Speedwagon
Creep by Radiohead
Breaking the Girl by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
I Got a Woman by Ray Charles
Sheep by Pink Floyd
Don't Sleep In The Subway by Petula Clarke
Big Time by Peter Gabriel
People by Barbara Streisand
Fire and Ice by Pat Benetar
Promises in the Dark by Pat Benetar
Goodbye to Romance by Ozzy Ozbourne
Don't Speak by No Doubt
Cracklin' Rosie ny Neil Diamond
Turning Japanese by The Vapors
Hair of the Dog by Nazareth
These Boots Were Made For Walkin' by Nancy Sinatra
Girls Girls Girls by Motley Crue
Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye
What's Your Name? by Lynryd Skynyrd
Good Girls Don't by The Knack
Love or Confusion by Jimi Hendrix

Day Care

Pretty Baby by Blondie
Baby Come Back by Player (courtesy of The Simpsons)
Just Like a Woman by Bob Dylan
Runaway by Del Shannon
Runaway by Bonnie Raitt
She's a Runaway by Bon Jovi
Run Away by Jefferson Starship
Touch Me by The Doors
My Baby Left Me by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Little Creatures by Talking Heads
Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon by Neil Diamond
Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground
Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter by Herman's Hermits

Drug Testing

You Can't Catch Me by Chuck Berry
Piss On The Wall by the J. Geils Band
The River by Bruce Springsteen
Purple Rain by Prince

Funeral Homes

Alive Again by Chicago
(Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult
Can't Find My Way Back Home by Blind Faith
Alive by Pearl Jam
If You Leave Me Now by Chicago
Tombstone Shadow by Creedence Clearwater Revival
That'll Be The Day by Buddy Holly
Into the Great Wide Open by Tom Petty
Don't Take Me Alive by Steeely Dan
Goodbye to You by Scandal
She's Not There by Santana
Take Me With U by Prince
Can't Stand Losing You by The Police
So Lonely by The Police
Enter Sandman by Metallica

Marriage Counseling

No Woman, No Cry by Bob Marley
Where Did You Sleep Last Night? by Nirvana
Stir It Up by Bob Marley
You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
Miracles by Jefferson Starship
If You Loved Me, You'd Let Me Go by Huey Lewis and the News
Just When I Needed You Most by Bread
Love Is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar
Just The Way It Is by Bruce Hornsby and the Range
Nobody But You by Lou Reed and John Cale
Hungry Heart by Bruce Springsteen
Never There by Cake
Goodbye to Love by The Carpenters
Victim of Love by The Eagles
Victim of Love by The Cars
I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick
Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen
Wicked Game by Chris Isaac
Maybelline by Chuck Berry
Devil Woman by Cliff Richard
Before You Accuse Me by Creedence Clearwater Revival
You're Not the Boss of Me by They Might Be Giants
Girlfriend is Better by Talking Heads
Promises, Promises by The Thompson Twins
Baby, Please Don't Go by Them
Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp
Haitian Divorce by Steely Dan
Tainted Love by Soft Cell
It's All Over Now by The Rolling Stones
She's So Cold by The Rolling Stones
This Old Heart of Mine by Rod Stewart
You've lost That Lovin' Feelin' by The Righteous Brothers
What'd I Say by Ray Charles
Cruel To Be Kind by Nick Lowe
You Don't Bring Me Flowers by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond

Massage

Don't Touch Me There by The Tubes
Touch Me In the Morning by Petula Clarke
(You've Got) The Magic Touch by The Platters
I Have the Touch by Peter Gabriel
Shock the Monkey by Peter Gabriel

Mental Health Services

Don't Bring Me Down by The Animals
She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes
Can't Find My Way Home by Blind Faith
Crazy by Patsy Cline (courtesy of The Simpsons)
Runaway Train by Soul Asylum
I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow by The Soggy Bottom Boys
The Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson
If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow
Up! by Shania Twain
Fool to Cry by The Rolling Stones
Happy by The Rolling Stones
Everybody Hurts by REM
Busload of Faith by Lou Reed
Knock Me Down by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
Shiny Happy People by REM
Stop Your Sobbing by The Pretenders
Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd
Trouble by Pink
Nobody's Fault But Mine by Led Zeppelin
Friends by Led Zeppelin
Crazy Train by Ozzy Ozbourne
How Bizarre by OMC
Bark at the Moon by Ozzy Ozbourne
It's My Life by No Doubt
Can't Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue
Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai

Motels

Papa Loved Mama by Garth Brooks
Lovers In a Dangerous Time by Bruce Cockburn
Prove It All Night by Bruce Springsteen
Anticipation by Carly Simon
Double Life by The Cars
Lust For Kicks by The Cars
You're All I've Got Tonight by The Cars
Stay the Night by Chicago
Too Much Money Business by Chuck Berry
Let's Go To Bed by The Cure
Everybody Wants Some! by Van Halen
Love In Action by Todd Rundgren
Waterfalls by TLC
Stop! In the Name of Love by The Supremes
Stray Cat Strut by The Stray Cats
Love the One You're With by Steven Stills
Evil Ways by Santana
Let's Spend the Night Together by The Rolling Stones
Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby? by The Rolling Stones
Love Rollercoaster by the Ohio Players
Roxanne by The Police
Since I've Been Loving You by Led Zeppelin
Hey, Hey, What Can I Do by Led Zeppelin
Gimme Three Steps by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Locomotive Breath by Jethro Tull


Movers

Get Out of This House by Shawn Colvin
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do by Neil Sedaka
Time For Me To Fly by REO Speedwagon
Walk Away Renee by The Association
Gone, Gone, Gone by Bad Company
She Caught the Katy by The Blues Brothers
Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash

Paintball Supplies

I'm a Loser by The Beatles
Deadbeat Club by The B-52's
War Pigs by Black Sabbath
The Continuing Story of Bungalo Bill by The Beatles

Penis Enlargement

Big Shot by Billy Joel
Is that All There Is? by Brenda Lee
Just a Little Is Enough by Peter Townsend
One Tin Soldier (from the movie "Billy Jack")

Pharmacies

Love Is The Drug by Roxy Music
White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
Remedy by The Black Crowes
Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi
Toxic by Britney Spears
Haven't Got Time For The Pain by Carly Simon
She Sells Sanctuary by The Cult
Don't Come Around Here No More by Tom Petty
Get Off My Cloud by The Rolling Stones
Mother's Little Helper by The Rolling Stones
No-No Song by Ringo Starr
Lithium by Nirvana
Dr. Feel Good by Motley Crue
Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce

Planned Parenthood

Too Many People by Paul McCartney

Schools

I Don't Like Mondays by The Boomtown Rats
Bad Boys Get Spanked by The Pretenders
School's Out by Alice Cooper
Imaginary Lover by Atlanta Rhythm Section
Maggie May by Rod Stewart
Lovers In A Dangerous Time by Bruce Cockburn
Don't Stand So Close To Me by The Police
Bang a Gong (Get It On) by T-Rex
Smokin' In The Boys' Room by Brownsville Station
Hot For Teacher by Van Halen
School by Supertramp
(She's) Sexy and 17 by The Stray Cats
My Old School by Steely Dan
Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkle
Schools Are Prisons by the Sex Pistols
To Sir With Love by Lulu
Teacher by Jethro Tull
Harper Valley PTA by Jeannie C. Riley

Sex Change Clinics

She's Always a Woman by Billy Joel
Found Out About You by The Gin Blossoms
She's Got Everything by The Romantics
The Perfect Girl by The Cure
Girl Don't Tell Me by The Beach Boys
Something in the Way by Nirvana
Maneater by Hall and Oates
You Better Hang Up by Don Henley
Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel
Tell Her About It by Billy Joel
Where's the Dress? by Brooks and Dunn
Then He Kissed Me by The Chiffons
Boys Don't Cry by The Cure
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndie Lauper
Growing On Me by The Darkness
Changes by David Bowie
Rebel Rebel by David Bowie
Natural Thing by UFO
Here Comes My Girl by Tom Petty
I'd Love to Change the World by Ten Years After
Hurt So Bad by Linda Ronstadt
Man! I Feel Like a Woman! by Shania Twain (also suitable for Prisons)
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart
Hot Legs by Rod Stewart
Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies
Wave of Mutilation by The Pixies
Get the Party Started by Pink
When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge
Evenflow by Pearl Jam
Just a Girl by No Doubt
Longfellow's Serenade by Neil Diamond
Down Under by Men At Work
Ohh! My Head by Richie Valens
Are You Gonna Go My Way by Lenny Kravitz
What Is And What Should Never Be by Led Zeppelin
Moby Dick by Led Zeppelin
Wang Dang Doodle by Koko Taylor
Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas
Any Way You Want It by Journey
A Boy Named Sue by johnny Cash
Thick As a Brick by Jethro Tull
Uptown Girl by Billy Joel
You Keep Me Hangin' On by The Supremes

Shoe Stores

Fairies Wear Boots by Black Sabbath

Spas

Every Breath You Take by The Police
Private Eyes by Hall and Oates
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot

Supermarkets

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2
Lost In The Supermarket by The Clash
Green Onions by Booker T and the MGs

Tanning Salons

Sweet Leaf by Black Sabbath
Horizontal Bop by Bob Seger
Bad Moon Risin' by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes
A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harem

Towing

Don't Follow by Alice In Chains
You Keep Me Hangin' On by The Supremes
Gimme Some Slack by The Cars
Cruiser by The Cars
Stuck In a Rut by The Darkness
Cruisin' by Smoky Robinson
Can't Get There From Here by REM

***

Congratulations! You are now cursed to walk the Earth, remembering these tunes (and looking like an idiot with that smirk) as you enter the aformentioned establishments.

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Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Hi Everybody,

The Pug is part Irish (which probably explains the shifty eyes). Here is a favorite of mine.

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

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Handling the Pug's Mailbag

Hi everybody,

Now is probably as bad a time as any to introduce a new type of post which I will call "Handling the Pug's Mailbag". In it, I will attempt to respond to anonymous questions from readers.

1) Does the Bermuda Triangle REALLY exist?

Yes it does. But the "powers that be" in the Pentagon, Oval Office, and even Red Square, are doing their best to convince us that there is no Triangle. And it's sad that this is the shape the world is in.

2) What really happened to "Flight 19"?

Unfortunately the "lost squadron" was at the mercy of a leader who exhibited sheer stubborn cluelessness. His version of reality had him over the Florida Keys, even though the flight had been heading due east from Fort Lauderdale for dozens of miles. Thus - over the arguments of his student pilots (who insolently wanted to fly west) - he led them on a meandering northeast path; farther and farther away from land. Furthermore, the flight leader apparently had a history of becoming disoriented during flight, reportedly having ditched his plane into the ocean on two previous occasions. If nothing else, we can take solace in knowing that - ever since - organizations have realized the importance of hiring intelligent and open-minded managers with track records of success and sound judgement.

3) When can we expect your payment?

I really don't see how this question has any relevance to the topic of the Bermuda Triangle, so I will have to handle this one "off-line". Unless ... of course ... my payment ... "disappeared" into the "Triangle".

4) Could spontaneous releases of methane gas be sinking ships and crashing planes into the Bermuda Triangle?

Sorry, but that theory doesn't retain solid credibility with yours truly. I know people who expel methane gas constantly, and there is no empirical evidence to support the assertion that objects situated overhead (such as ceilings, fans and light fixtures) have lost "buoyancy". Market value? Yes. Buoyancy? No.

5) Did Columbus really witness strange phenomena (dancing lights, compass variations, and a fireball crashing into the ocean) in the Bermuda Triangle during his first voyage?

Fortunately, we can get the answer directly from the man himself, as I've been known to "channel" on occasion. And surprisingly enough, Columbus looks and sounds a lot like Robert DeNiro. Let me ask him.

Me: "Columbus, did you see anything unusual during your first voyage to the New World?"

Columbus: "I seen lots of things."

Well there you have it. I hoped that you found this first delivery of "Handling the Pug's Mailbag" entertaining, and most important: educational.

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The Lost Mission: Pugs on the Wing

Hi everybody,

Scary Monster left a comment yesterday asking about the meaning behind grouping bloggers into White Sheep and Black Sheep pens on my sidebar. I started to respond, but realized I needed a post that I could "phone in". So here we are with a classic "Win (me, for being able to phone it in) - Win (Scary, for receiving a more detailed answer than in a comment) - Lose (those of you who were hoping(?) for a real post)" scenario.

And what is the basic "politically correct" answer? It's the same as I explained to RevRee: White Sheep might use a feather during foreplay. Black Sheep would prefer the whole chicken.

But in "reality", it goes much deeper than that (I probably overuse that line more than I should).

It's a riches to rags tale that - alas - is too often recounted. When I started out blogging "back in the day", I fell in with a good crowd. They were wholesome and pure (except for Leelee, as I subsequently found out), and much too innocent for the likes of me.

Note: the western tip of the Triangle points to Leelee's Antique Shoppe. Coincidence?

My inner compass (which surprisingly works BEST in the Bermuda Triangle) advised me to take my blog in uncharted directions. Ones that pandered to my own whimSICKal version of life, and my penchant for burying treasure. So I reluctantly said goodbye to those landlubbers who would be appalled by my saltiness and nocturnal (brain) emissions, although I do sometimes miss and think about them as I'm "shivering me timber".

However, much to my delight, some of the White Sheep stayed on, and even new ones signed up for full shares on the voyage of this Ship of Fools into the "Bermuda Triangle of Short Subjects", or "Bermuda Shorts", if you prefer (and I know that some of you do ... sickos).

Only the White Sheep get regular floggings on this cruise, because the Black Sheep are too into it

So, I thought I would try to do my best to keep them in separate compartments below decks. Hence, we have the White Sheep and the Black Sheep (little did I know that Lamby would hijack the whole "sheep" concept for her own disgusting amusement).

But anymore, I can't tell the White Sheep from the Black Sheep, and nothing is as it should be. The compass says "north", but the moon isn't cooperating. I feel like Lt. Chuck Taylor of the ill-fated Flight 19 squadron, wondering if I'm actually in the Gulf of Mexico.

Well, like they say, when mixing metaphors, why not add the lemons that life drops into your lap for extra tangy-ness? We may as well enjoy ourselves on our little voyage of the damned. Here are a few activities (besides the floggings) for us to get our "Jolly Roger on":

On clear nights and calm seas (when vomiting is at a minimum), we can all gather on deck with our snifters of Cognac and stargaze. And unlike those Titanic idiots, we WILL have binoculars to view the wonders of the heavens, and to distract ourselves as certain passengers elect to play "sub hunt" with each other instead.


Another popular recreational treat is swimming. Even the more timid passengers are "encouraged" to partake in this often solo activity, and since the body does tend to stay afloat more readily in salt water, their fears quickly submerge, er, subside. And as such, being in the water theoretically improves their odds for survival versus being on-deck.


Who doesn't enjoy a good weenie roast? We can start with one of the White Sheep. Careful with that lighter fluid!


Before I wrap-up this installment, I would like to leave you with a relevant "Sea Chanty" that I know Mighty D in particular is quite fond of. And as a "Reader Rewards Bonus", I've taken "special liberties" with it, in the form of extra lyrics. So enjoy, mateys.

***

Love, exciting and new (Especially, when ... we first get nude)

Come Aboard. We're expecting you (On the lost voyage ... you are so screwed)

Love, life's sweetest reward (Until one month into it ... then I really get bored)

Let it flow, it floats back to you. (Not unlike ... a turd in the loo)

Love Boat soon will be making another run (As soon as I deposit this batch ... in the o-ce-an)

The Love Boat promises something for everyone (Hepatitis, Herpes and VD ... not all of it's fun)

Set a course for adventure (Our compass points to dementia)

Your mind on a new romance (Who may or may not be wearing pants)

Love won't hurt anymore (We have plenty of K-Y ... in our shipboard store)

It's an open smile on a friendly shore (How 'bout naked women? I'd prefer them more)

Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! (hey-ah!) (Cha cha cha)

***


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Poetry Cornered

Hi everybody,

This post is dedicated to Gautami Tripathy and her wonderful poetry blog. Did I just hear a groan from the black sheep? Yes, I said "poetry". Some of you could use a bit of exposure to the finer things. And I don't mean going to the museum on field trip days in your special trenchcoat, either.

Okay, are you all ready, with tea and strumpets in hand? Good. I would first like to start off with a favorite classic from Shel Silverstein, entitled "It's All The Same To The Clam".

***

It's All The Same To The Clam by Shel Silverstein

You may leave the Clam on the ocean floor
It's all the same to the Clam.
For a hundred thousand years or more,
It's all the same to the Clam.
You may bury him deep in mud or muck,
Or carry him round to bring you luck.
Or use him for a hockey puck.
It's all the same to the Clam.

You may call him Frank or Jim or Nell
It's all the same to the Clam.
Or make an ashtray from his shell.
It's all the same to the clam.
You may take him riding on a train
or leave him sitting in the rain.
You'll never hear the Clam complain.
It's all the same to the Clam.

Yes the world may stop or the world may spin
It's all the same to the Clam.
And the sky may come a fallin' in
It's all the same to the Clam.
And man may sing his endless songs,
of wronging rights and righting wrongs.
The Clam just sets - and gets along.
It's all the same to the Clam.

***

My take? We can learn a lot from the clam. The first thing we can learn is that in this great big world, the problems of one (or two) people don't amount to a hill of beans. So clam the f*ck up and deal with it. And remember, it's all the same to the clam.

Okay, now that I've hog-tied you with witty-prose and greased you up for more; here is a poem that I just wrote in the comments on Gautami's blog, where yesterday's theme was "the body knows".

***

My Body by Pug Puerileuwaite

My body perhaps could be a temple
But when I find myself alone
In the dark
Too often I find the need
To treat my body
As if it were an amusement park

***

My first entry, submitted a while back, was on the topic of "chalk" (no, not caulk, so get your filthy minds out of the gutter).

***

Chalk by Pug Puerileuwaite

Tracing and placing
Giving one-dimensional boundary
to a multi-dimensional shape
From a form of existence
in this existence no more
Starkly the chalkline reveals
one fact from the case
Where the vessel wound up
in time and in space
Spirit released into limitless sky
Point no finger at me
I have an alibi

***

Well that does it for this inaugural installment of "Poetry Cornered". You may all go back to eating Sterno from the can, and watching "Three's Company" reruns.

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Let It Bee ... Caulk Worthy

Hi everybody,

I thought I would take a moment to share an observation from my repeated travels to hell and back this week.

A few days ago I was driving home and happened upon a commericial vehicle for some sort of "Bee Relocation" service, with the motto: "We evacuate, not exterminate". The first thought that popped into my head was, evacuate, exterminate, mastubate ... just get those damned bees outta here. Especially if they're KILLER bees.


But then how can you identify a killer bee before it strikes? It's not like you can readily pull up their "rap sheet". Can you see it in their eyes? Do they have a souless stare reminiscent of sharks?


Are there early-detectible, ominous signs that they don't play by rules of conventional society? Are there different types of killer bees? Are some bees "serial killers" cast from the Ted Bundy mold, masquerading as harmless, injured bees with damaged wings needing help of some sort until the victim is too close and it's too late? Are some akin to Jeffrey Dahmer, picking up other bees in gay bee nightclubs and luring them back to their honeycombs?


My theory? Killer bees can be ANY bee. So don't trust any of them unless you know the bee.

The second thought that came to mind was the scene from "Tommy Boy", where Chris Farley (Tommy Boy) and David Spade (Richard) were drinking and driving, and about to be pulled over by a squad car. Tommy remembered a ruse to ward off the cops. The boys veered off the road into a field, and ran from the car frantically waving their arms and shouting "Bees! Stay away! Save Yourself!". It worked. The cops wouldn't go near them or the car, fleeing the scene instead, with one of them yelling back, "We'll go get help!".


Think about it. What cop in his or her right mind* (* assuming those types do exist) would want to ever pull THAT particular vehicle over? Of course, if I were the driver, I'd wear a nasty looking bandage on my left hand; with the right hand periodically waving through the air inside the truck.

Yesterday I came across another commercial vehicle for a company called "Caulk Experts". I nearly drove off the road. I was tempted to follow in the footsteps of a prank from "Crank Yankers" (a Comedy Central show featuring actual crank phone calls acted out by Muppet characters),


calling the company and praising them for knowing so much about "caulk". Not just ANY man could drive that truck (or do that job ... though his business cards would definitely be collectibles) for a living. It would take a real man.


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Blogging Can Be L

Hi everybody,

Whew! What a week. Makes me wish today was Monday all over again so I could have a "do over". Just kidding. Had you fooled though, didn't I?

Well, apparently because I persevered like the tenacious Pug that I am, I have the afternoon off. And what better way to spend it, than to skillfully craft a full-bodied post.

When we last left off, Reverend had given me the letter "L " for my list of things that I like or people that I love. But first in return I would like to give something to Reverend. However, since I am not there in London to give it to her, I will have to go with my "Plan B": the gift of song (which doesn't require treatment like "Plan A" does).



Reverend Jack and his Roamin' Cadillac Church by Timbuk 3

Come hell or high water
A soul's got to find some release
Some find it in power
And some in heavenly peace
Some look to the preacher
As he speaks from his holy perch
Me, I back Rev. Jack & his Roamin Cadillac Church

So if you're stuck at the station
On the road to the Glory on High
If you need some inspiration
He's got more than your money can buy
If you're lookin for salvation
Well my friend it's the end of your search
Here comes Rev. Jack & his Roamin Cadillac Church

Ain't no use watchin the road, son
When you ride in his automobile
Cause we're all back seat drivers,
& there's nobody at the wheel

Now for the well-to-do doctor
There's a home & a summer retreat
And for the jet-settin banker
There's a place in the social elite
But for the poor & the hungry
All the lost souls left in the lurch
There's just Rev. Jack & his Roamin Cadillac Church



I love that song. And it's way better than TImbuk 3's overhyped "The Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades)". So check it out if you can find it. Or else email me at studpug@gmail.com and I'll "see what I can do" mp3-wise.

Okay here goes. Ten things (in no particular order) I like or people I love that start with the letter "L"

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Lust (Because it is similar to "zest". And a have a "zest" for women and their many uses* (* some more than others)).

Led Zeppelin (This one needs no explanation.)

Lapdance / Lapland (My alternate reality features a wonderous country named Lapland where Lapdances are free.)

Life (Because Mikey Likes it.)

Liberty (Not so much for the concept itself, but rather because I enjoy taking Liberties whenever possible.)

Libido (I couldn't Leave out Libido, as my blog is based on my Libido. A Linchpin, so to speak.)

Lick (Which reminds me of French Lick, Indiana, which I've always been amused by - as town names go.)

Limerick (Who doesn't enjoy a good Limerick?)

Lobster (Not only because Girlgoyle Loves them. But also because The B-52's sang about one.)

Log Cabin (Not a big fan of the syrup. Mrs. Butterworth is way funner to squeeze. But Log cabins are cool because you can get the **** away from people, except for the one that you're inside having wild monkey sex with. Then when you're done, you can go outside and get away from her. [I'm kidding, of course.])

London (Somewhere between the beautiful smiles and extroverted, warm nature of Brits, there Lies the Legacy of great music. The Beatles, Stones, Kinks, The Who, Led Zeppelin, The Clash, and many many others, make England (and London in particular) a Mecca for rock fans. Including this Pug. Plus, Reverend is there, and we still need to recreate the Abbey Road album cover.)

Loose Women (For the obvious reason. They may have some Loose change.)

Lotion (Comes in handy during my visits to YOUR blogs. Especially Lamby's.)

Lottery (What I hope to win so that someday I can purchase a small tropical island that we all can Live on. When we run out of food and entertainment, we can reenact "Lord of the Flies" with our own special "Black Sheep vs. White Sheep" rendition. Or, we can hold our own Lottery, where we annually select one of our bretheren for public stoning so that our marijuana crop will be plentiful.)

Love Affair (Because the "affair" part indicates an end before the "Love" part becomes too tedious and demanding.)

Lucifer (Just seeing if you're actually paying attention. Besides, with eBay around, who needs to sell their soul to that jerk?)

Luscious (I view women as fruit, ripe for picking. And "Luscious" is the perfect adjective.)

Luxury (It would be nice to be able to hire a topless supermodel just to prefold and hand me the toilet paper as I require it.)

Linguini (Not only is it tasty, but the name is nicely ethnic.)

Lawyers (Still paying attention? Good, because I can't stand Lawyers. I've got a "Pro-Boner" for them right here.)

Lesbians (I could be the Lettuce in their sandwich. But just for the sweet and cute ones. You know who you are.)

Labial (A fun "flappin' in the breeze" word that reminds me of Lab work that results in new discoveries.)

Labyrinth (Because Life is a Labyrinth complete with dead-ends and goals to not lose sight of. Plus it's a fun game where you try not to Lose your marble.)

Lachrymose (Actually it has a sad definition, but it SOUNDS funny. And that - my friends - is why it makes the List.)

Lady killer (Not in the Literal sense. What man wouldn't want to be one? Being one opens up new opportunites.)

Lactate (This one reminds me of Larry Tate from Bewitched. And he was a strange lookin' dude.)

Lagoon (Between Gilligan's Island and a Brooke Shields with breasts strategically covered by her flowing hair, who couldn't resist the Lure of the Lagoon?)

Laid (There would be no eggs for breakfast if this hadn't occurred first.)

Larch (Now if only I could be able to identify one from far away ...)

Largess (I was excited when I thought it read "Large ass". But then I Learned the definition, and I REALLY became animated. With a Largess, I could afford to purchase (or at least rent) an awful Lot of the other thing.)

Laughter (Except when it's directed at my body parts.)

Legal Age (Always ask for at least 3-forms of ID.)

Lemmings (Because they're funny, and behave NOTHING Like humans.)

Leopard Print (Both in bedspread and Lingerie form.)

Leelee and Lamby (Two blog buds who I would enjoy seeing in the items Listed immediately above.)

Libation (TGIF !)

Lying Sack of Shit (What I am, for stating that there would only be 10 items on the List to inflict on all of you.)


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I hope that you enjoyed these. Feel free to do one. You know you want to, Losers. (just kidding about the "Losers" remark ... being an L-word, I had to work it in somewhere ... )

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More Random Musings

Hi everybody,

I'm still thinking about my "L" post for Reverend. And since my blog is similar to that "classic" Orson Welles wine commerical (tagline: "We shall serve no wine before its time"), I want to ensure that my posts are "twist-off cap worthy" before delivering them to the 7-11 of the publishing world.

So to temporarily satiate your whiney thirst for new crap, I thought I'd jot off a quick post to share several recent observations from my travels hither and yon.

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1) Trailers

I was mired in stop and go traffic the other day (as is often the case anymore during my travels hither and yon), struggling to distract myself from the insanity of being mired in stop and go traffic. I happened to glance over to my right, and spotted a truck hauling one of those 2-wheel auto trailers. I started thinking, wouldn't it be a refreshing change of pace here in stop and go traffic if I were to drive up onto that trailer and free myself from the worry of having to keep pace with the other motorists? Why, I could work on a crossword puzzle or even on my next post. Plus, think of the gas I would save, in addition to reducing emissions from outside of my vehicle. And if I'm subtle enough, perhaps my "host" will not notice right away.

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2) Elevators

In my endless pursuit of radical new ideas that could alter day-to-day society for the better* (* ideally), my focus recently honed in on elevators. And just what do I have in mind for improving elevator usage? One word: mirrors. Oh, and not just mirrored ceilings and floors, either. I'm talkin' mirrors on both the back elevator wall and the foyer wall that the elevator faces when the friggin' doors open. I don't know about you (and I'm not sure that I want to know, either), but I grow weary of constantly bumping into people* (* because let's face it: not everyone is attractive and equipped with large breasts) when trying to enter or exit an elevator. Have we not learned from "Dressed to Kill", people? Geez, it's been years (26, to be precise) since Angie Dickinson was slashed to death in an elevator. And since it was the only one in known existence with a mirror in it, Nancy Allen was able to spot both the body and the murderer (who was about to slash HER!) inside, and escape. And WHY? Mirrors.

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3) Hotel Rooms

Do you know what they should have above the beds? Mirrors. 'Nuff said.

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I can only hope that the decision-makers out there read this post, and embrace these ideas. The world will be a marginally better place for it.

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