Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Pimp Daddy Contest

Homies and honies, Word.

(I refuse to refer to my female readers as "ho's", since, unlike some of you "popularity weasels" and your oh-so-trendy-blogs-where-you-get-a-much-better-turnout-than-I-do-with-my-half-dozen-or-so-hapless-victims-if-I'm-lucky-enough-to-have-them-stumble-onto-me-whilst-Googling-porn-meanwhile-you-deviant-exploiters-have-the-luxury-to-be-able-to-show-open-contempt-for-your-life-devoid-flocks-of-mindless-lemmings-and-actually-get-away-with-it!-types, MY audience is limited, so I cannot afford to intentionally alienate anybody.) It is time for my inaugural "Pimp Daddy (or Momma) Contest".

Even though memes are suddenly like "crack" to me, and my hunger for them is insatiable, I have vowed to limit my meme-ing to once a week, at most. This doesn't mean that I won't be making numerous, furtive trips to random bookstores and newsstands within a 300-mile radius so that people won't get suspicious as to what I'm up to, which is scouring for and collecting back issues of Reader's Digests in order to extract and distill quizzes contained therein into devilishly potent memes; or that I won't start a "meme-lab" in my basement with special filtered venting apparati so that it is virtually undetectable by the Good Taste Gestapo.

But I will try to keep my own meme addiction under reasonable control, so that I can comfortably profit from your collective lack of will power and endless appetite for toxic trivia.

This causes me great heartache, and yet, at the same time, answers the future meme question: "What causes you great heartache?".

So since I rarely have one, but this time I do, let's go with "Plan-B" for this post. I heard, second-hand from family members that the local news this past weekend ran one of their "insipid, cutesy-pie attempts at feigning community interest" segments. And as I would rather watch Ernest Borgnine and Shelly Winters ensconced in a nude lambada to Yoko Ono's "best of" then watch the local news, I took their word for it.

This is what disturbs me. The piece was about an elementary school fair, where one of the attractions was "PIMP My Ride". I don't know much about the scope of this particular activity, or what the kids had to do, but those details are not relevant to my point* (* which is not relevant to anything ... it's a recursive relationship ...), anyway.

WHAT THE HECK are we doing, people? Why are words such as "pimp" being embraced into public lexicon, to the extent that elementary school kids are now being encouraged to "pimp" things?

I just cannot for the life of me picture some of you mommies helping your son or daughter to pimp out his or her school project!

What does this mean for the future of arts and crafts shoppes? Will they become even seedier then they are now?

Let's agree to fight back on this. Write your school boards and your government representatives, and let them know that - though THEY may be prostitutes - WE don't want to be pimps!

But, I do know my viewer demographics enough to realize that some of you may truly want to be pimps (and already dress the part), so here's how:

How to Pimp

Hopefully this disturbing trend will soon meet its demise. While we wait, we may as well spend some of our own leisure time in the red light district. I would like to ask EVERYONE who has suffered through this post to participate in the following contest, before pimp prohibition is legislated into effect. Consider this a b*tch slap back at me for the anger that my previous, disobedient posts may have caused.

To get started, click on the following link to get your official pimp name (unless you already have one). Remember, only a fool would use his/her REAL first and last names. Use your blog name (break it in two, if need be) instead, holmes.

Yo! I need a pimp name!

(MY pimp name is "Mr. White Chocolate P. Gates")

Then provide, in a comment to this post:
1) Your PIMP NAME.
2) WHAT you would like to "pimp".
3) WHY it should be "pimped".
Be creative and have fun with it!

The dopest (do they still say that?) answer will win the coveted "Puerile's Pimp Daddy (or Momma) of 2006, Yo" Award, and will have a tribute post created in his/her honour by yours truly.

Contest deadline is midnight, Mountain Standard Time, Wednesday, July 26, 2006. Local restrictions may apply (in other words, check with your significant other first, to see if it's okay if you become a pimp). Offer void in Utah (I'm kidding! Anyone - multiple wives or not - is welcome to participate. And let's face it, multiple wives - if anything - should give Utah residents a natural pimp edge).

Let's bust a move, my p-dub posse!

"Pimps is an UGLY word ... we can call ourselves ... Love Brokers." - Michael Keaton, Nightshift (1982)


GirlGoyle said...

Love Brokers? LOL

Pimp Name: Deacon Dr. G. Wicked
I'd like to Pimp my boss out for being the biggest scumbag to ever slither the earth. Actually, today you are in luck!! We are running a special. In fact, with the purchase of one measly a$$hole you will receive double satisfaction as we throwing a wild (and free) ride with his right-hand-ho; aka - useless left nut. Don't pass up this opportunity to do on to others what is being done to you.
Today...just a bit bitter and hateful kind of Pimp Daddy.

puerileuwaite said...

Okay GG, you are Contestant #1. The 2-fer special is very generous.

blackbird said...

I'd like to pimp my upstairs bathroom.
I'm thinking of those hex tiles?
And the shower needs to be bigger...

Macktastic black Beautiful

blackbird said...

- oh, and I think I mean 'pimp' in the way they do in Pimp My Ride -
to renovate with many exciting extras.

BTW, The Poseidon Adventure seems to be running on several channels right now - you can get that Winters/Borgnine fix.

puerileuwaite said...

BB, you are Contestant #2. And remember, those exciting extras have to be "over the top" in order to attain "crib" status. So plan your project accordingly, and budget for "bling".

I am a Poseidon Adventure nut (you already were aware of the "nut" part). That movie is a guilty pleasure (I only get to watch it when no one else is around to criticize me for doing so), and I recall seeing it (as a young laddie) in the theatre the very first day that it came out.

In fact, there are mini-cults here in the U.S. that are dedicated to "PA". One guy in the southwest (no, not ME! honest! why are you looking at me like that?) has his garage (well, technically it's his MOM'S garage, since he lives with her ... no surprise there ...) PERMANENTLY done up to look like the Poseidon's ballroom, complete with captain's table.

And of course, there was my favorite Mad Magazine spoof where a 2nd tidal wave hits the ship just as they reach the hull, setting it right-side up again. D'oh!

Carolyn said...

I'm too late to enter, but I loved my pimp name.

"Dopetastic C Large"

That's me, I'm dopetastic!

puerileuwaite said...

Hi Carolyn. And welcome. You are NOT too late! Just complete your entry, and you're good to go.

leelee said...

yo..itz me

Magic Tickle. lee Slither

I'd like to PIMP my Ride actually. I drive a VW Cabrio Convertable, and while it is cute and's be fun to have a ride that is both crass AND Class. I saw a fantastic Bentley the other day..and I said to myself..yo bitch, ya should really be ridin' in dat thang. So here is the ride of my dreams:

before pimpin' and after pimpin'


puerileuwaite said...

Leelee, you are Contestant #3. I will have to consult one of my other personalities for a ruling on your VW, since both Cabriolet and Golf models are considered as most difficult to "pimpify".

Oh, and would totally drive the "after" Bentley.


leelee said...

mos def

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I prefer the term "Whoremaster."

puerileuwaite said...

Mighty D, thanks for the visit. Good luck on the new job.

JustRun said...

That pimp name site is NSFW but if I could pimp anything, I think it would be my porch. Hopefully, that doesn't mean I have to have chrome on it. 'Cause then no one could sit on the chairs.
Okay, I am so not cut out for this pimping things out business.

puerileuwaite said...

Just Run, I just checked the link, and it worked. So I don't know why you had a problem. No worries, though, as I just went ahead and obtained your pimp name for you, which is:

Sugartastic Run Sneed.

So you are now officially entered as Contestant #4, JR.

And don't be discouraged. Learning to pimp things takes time. You'll be pimpin' down to the sub-c (subconscious) level in no time, holmes.

Paula said...

I'm so relieved I didn't miss the deadline...Whew!
1. Pimp name Um: Fine Ass P Dogg
2. And gee whillikers, I just had the you know what pimped so I guess I'll go for the den. We could use a manly man room around here.
3. Duh, beacuse I'm Fine Ass P Dogg, that's why.

puerileuwaite said...

Okay pj, you are Contestant #5. Your pimpitudeness is most impressive. But remember, true pimps never use sarcasm - they don't need to.

Paula said...

And they may well spell a tad bit better than I.

Allow me to correct myself.


leelee said...

so who won???

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee, you're back! I need to have some time to carefully evaluate the entries. And then I have to work on the tribute post. So give me another week, give or take.

leelee said...

Not back yet...just hijacked my friend's computer..I was having blog withdrawl. Of course take all the time you need!

Sharon said...

I know, I know, I'm wicked late with this, but seeing no winners posted, I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring. May I introduce myself- I am apparently Fine Ass Sharon Valentine (Lord, this thing is ACCURATE, yo!) and I have a much beloved and sadly-in-storage '68 Cadillac in dire need of pimping. Why? Because she's a damned pretty girl with such good bone structure who just needs a little help. Oh, and her name is Camille.

puerileuwaite said...

Sharon, thank you for your visit, and welcome! I love your pimp name. In fact, if that were the sole criteria for maximum pimpitude, you would win by a bitch slap and a pinky ring.

Don't worry, there will (fortunately for some, unfortunately for others) be other contests that I plan to inflict on my misguided readers. You ARE one fine ass pimp, and no one can take that fine ass title away.

puerileuwaite said...

Oh, and Leelee, I almost missed you. Well, actually I HAVE been missing you. Now if I could only get you to do the same. Why must you run from your feelings? And to Jersey, no less! Where feelings are hidden within the Witness Protection Program.