Saturday, July 08, 2006

Possible Career Change

Hi all. Girlgoyle wrote a recent post on her blog where she contemplated possible alternative careers. And as often is the case, she provoked me into serious reflection.

So today I find myself mulling over my own career path. Am I complacent enough to continue doing what I've done for the past umpteen years? Or is now the time to pursue something wildly different? An endeavor perhaps that is challenging, but not too daunting?

I should get off of my lazy ass and do something.

So I went through my wish list of those professions that I find intriguing, as I periodically do, to see if the time is right for me to take the plunge and commit to a new line of work.

Based on preliminary research, I've arrived at the most viable option. Law.

Now don't get me wrong. I have self-doubts and questions about my own mediocrity that concern me considerably about my chances for success in this demanding discipline. Sure, I look GOOD in a suit and all, but is that really enough?

Fortunately, I've just come across some new information that has removed all doubt.

The exchanges immediately following are taken from ACTUAL COURT TESTIMONIES. In light of this new evidence, I believe that I just may have what it takes to hold my own in a courtroom. Move over, Matlock.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This "myasthenia gravis", does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest Son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh ....


ATTORNEY: She had the three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law




If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.
Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
- Lionel Hutz

9 comments:

leelee said...

puerileuwaite...too much...but after reading your question and answers session , I do believe you'd fit right in...and if those questions are typical, then I would blow off the whole "law school thing" and simply get one of thse diplomas they keep offering thru email...then set up shop...I don't think it would be that difficult..certainly amusing..

Oh and by the way, thank you for adding me to your list of "enablers" I am humbled and honored! I shall return the favor..

~leelee~

puerileuwaite said...

And just WHY do you think I'd fit right in? What EXACTLY did you mean by THAT remark? I do believe that my good name may have just been slandered! You'll be hearing from MY lawyer, missy.

(See, whatta you think? I'm good, right?)

Oh, and of course you're on my "speed dial". It was either that, or start grabbing random blogs and listing them, just to make me look "popular".

Angel2Bitch said...

Just passing by. Saw the MST3K and was immediately captured. Hmmm, does that make me nerdy? Oh well. I love! Giant Spider Invasion. What's your favorite?

puerileuwaite said...

Fellow nerds unite! My favorites? Check these out:

The Final Sacrifice
Manos: Hands of Fate
Hobgoblins
Time Chasers
I Accuse My Parents
The Wild World of Bat Woman
The Gunslinger

I could go on .... and on ....

I also love the Shorts and Host Segments.

I wish they would bring MST3K back. In fact, my dream job is to write for, and appear in MST3K if they ever bring it back.

Thanks for your visit, angel2bitch (cracked me up just now, writing your blog name ... suddenly I'm a 12-year old geek). Please don't be a stranger.

leelee said...

AGAIN with the MISSY???

puerileuwaite said...

It's been rainy and misty here all weekend. And so, missy is my close-enough, word de facto. So don't get pissy with me, missy!

;-)

GirlGoyle said...

Well I'm flattered to see that I inspire you though...I'm sure you could've come up with something more exciting than a lawyer...blood suckers! Mine charges $0.50 for every email she writes me in response to a question I have. And $150 in legal fees...not quite sure what those $150 really means. I'm in the wrong business...really I am. I should've been a dentist or something. I'd be driving a Z4 by now.

Party Girl said...

How do you go to school?
Oral.
Did you have your brain removed?
Oral.
Is your brain in a jar on my desk?
Oral.
Are you dead?
Oral.


....okay, those were good, but do not read them when eating lunch...splater..

puerileuwaite said...

GG, yet AGAIN you've got me thinkin'. Perhaps I need to start charging for my comments. A penny for my thoughts, so to speak.

PG, glad to serve as lunchtime entertainment. Hopefully I didn't give you indigestion too badly.