While walking through the woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day cupcake..."
.
269 comments:
1 – 200 of 269 Newer› Newest»Sure thing! But only if you give me my handcuffs back. Those things cost money, AMERICAN money!
Cupcake.
HIS-terical...
I'll never look at a tree hugger the same way!
Nor will I.
Thank you ladies. Oh course, as a pug, I'm for the trees. And the hydrants. And car tires ...
I join ya on the trees, hydrants and car tires, silly humans they fall for anything ... I mean all you have to do is call em cupcake!
You can call me cupcake anytime, dykesdog. Mmmmmmmm....cupcakes....
I thought you were a bull dog. You don't look like a pug.
I'm a pug. I just have a bit of a weight problem. Bulldogs are way cool, though. And "Hey Bulldog" by The Beatles is a good song. Why am I starting to write like you, Lamby? This frightens me.
Maybe you like my writing style. Or maybe you like me. I don't know. You tell me.
No, I'm pretty sure it's not either of those two. Do you have any more choices?
(Just kidding! I had you, didn't I?)
Yes, you did. Now tell me which is it?
Awww, don't force me to say it ... the other commenters will laugh at me ...
Okay ... I like both. You're like packing peanuts. Mildly annoying in a "is she for real?" sense, then all of a sudden I'm hooked.
There. I said it.
Hmmmmmmm.
I like you too.
Well, good. I was just teasin' with the annoying comment.
I'll try not to be annoying in the future. (Puts head down ashamed.)
This is so wrong.
No, that's just the point. You weren't annoying. I just said you were to give you a hard time. I didn't mean it.
Chris, if a man lovin' a sheep is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.
Once again, so wrong.
That is so sweet, PW.
Purielewaieiiaeite, why don't you just tie Lambo to a tree and get it over with before I puke??
Clown, it's that friggin' icon of hers. It's visual Prozac.
Girlgoyle, it's always a good day when I hear from you. And it's funny that after all this time, only now did you notice where I placed you. The Black Sheep are my bad influences. Now that I think about it, you really don't fit into this category. So I'm planning on moving over with the White Sheep.
I'm disturbed, and I thought you were straight. You bastard!
RevRee, I just like to keep my options open. What's wrong with that? Plus, I told how being in the woods makes me horny!
Being in the woods, gives you wood!
HA! I made that up myself!!!
That was brilliant. I wouldn't say it just to hook up, either.
Rev, you reminded me of a true story that I witnessed first-hand.
A radio DJ just finished playing ZZ-Top's "I Woke Up With Wood", and the Weather Girl asked what it meant. The DJ (a real straight-laced type) started laughing so hard, that he couldn't speak for 20-seconds or so.
See you in the woods, cupcake!
PW- ICK!!!
On second thought...
I actually had a long rant for this, but it was too controversial-
And your blog is- well, soooo- darn cute! (blah!)
With all the lambs, and doggies, clowns, and tree hugger love going around.
I think I need a shower now :)
FM, it is getting to be more carnival-like. And not in the fun, fresh-air cruise kind of way. The smell is even gettin' to me!
And what IS it about my blog that makes people want to clean up right after their visits?
Jmeped, please tell me WHERE it was. And please tell me that you bought one for yourself. I've been saying that line for a few years now.
Jmeped, you DO know that I'll need to see a picture of you in it.
PW is in love with everybody.
I am a Ladies' Pug, Lamby. No doubt.
Thanks jmeped...
We have a Kohls (I don't know how to spell it either!)
Maybe I'll have a look this weekend for that t-shirt...funny!
PW- I will send a pic if I find one-
perhaps I can find a stud to model it for you- hugging a tree no less!
FM, I believe that your spelling is correct. The picture as you described it would be appreciated, though I'd rather see you modeling it.
Yes, let's all have Pugs to hug and not take drugs. (I like to hug)
Hey Cupcake you cheating on me with a lamb???
Oh crap! My 2-timin' has been discovered! Time to take it "on the lam". (Get it?)
Take me with you!
Now there's a thought. Takin' it on the lam WITH a lamb. Let me give it some thought ...
My post is now finished.
Good post, Lamby. Hey, is that your nose, or are you eatin' a banana?
HA HA!
I wonder if I could tell this joke to my students. I think it illustrates making inferences quite well.
Sue Ellen, why didn't I have teachers that are as cool as you? Just the fact that you're willing to consider using it to illustrate a point is refreshing. Thank you.
Okay Girlgoyle. I'll put you back with the Bad Sheep. Just a warning, though. There's are few new bad apples amongst my bad sheep, so the flock is even badder than ever.
I have a joke...
Superman is flying around Metropolis when he sees Wonderwoman on the roof of the Daily Planet, sunning herself, spread eagle naked (except for her boots.)
Superman thinks to himself:
"You know, with my super-speed I could fly down there, do my buisness, and she'll never know it was me."
So Superman flies down there, bam! bam! bam! And flies away happy.
Wonderwoman looks up and says: "What the hell was that?!"
And the Invisible Man says: "I don't know, but my ass is killing me."
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Crash, that joke is a classic. Too bad Superman didn't use his X-Ray vision to it's fullest potential. Me? I'd be in every audience for every beauty pageant.
What's funniest about that joke is Superman is flying around with a bonar.
And Wonderwoman leaves the boots on. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrowl.
Crash, flying around wearing silky tights would give ME a boner. And WHAT is the deal with Wonder Woman's Invisible Plane? How'd you like the be in a Cessna bumping into that puppy in mid-air? And I'm trying to remember if she was invisible once inside the plane. Otherwise, what's the point?
Anyway, you reminded me of a true story that was part of a recent post ("Everyday Superheroes"). Here it is.
***
(Oh, this one reminds me of something HUMOROUS THAT REALLY HAPPENED! This is one of those "friend of a friend stories". My friend's friend was at a packed theatre in a college town watching the original "Superman". As you may recall, there's a point in the movie where Clark (Christopher Reeve) is on a rooftop patio with Lois (Margot Kidder), and he is trying to convince her that he has superpowers. She wants proof. So Lois asks what color panties she has on. Clark stares for a few seconds, then finally blurts out "pink". Sure enough, some wiseass in the audience yells "You looked too far!".)
***
It would have been real funny if he used his x-ray vision & found out Lois had a dick.
(lol)
8===o
Crash, did you just grrrrowl? That's hot!
Hey, puerileuwaitefjdpofuesrsdoiupad can you grrrrowl?
Crash, that would be yet another form of Kryptonite. Unless he was into that shit.
Only when I'm doin' the nasty, Rev. Then I'm an American Werewolf in France. Awooooooooooo!
I wanted to say something perverted, but i'm too turned on to think...
yes i did grrrrrrrrrrrowl, revree.
you should come to my blog & see me some time.
Rev, I DO have that effect on people. Women, mostly.
Stop cramping my style, dawg!
I feel like I'm being cyber tag teamed by two hot men! Well, i like to imagine you're both hot! HA!
Well, Rev, judging by his picture I'd have to say for sure that one of us isn't.
Leave the heels on, baby.
O yeah.
What are you saying? You have a picture of a pug on your profile! I really don't think you have room to talk mister...
At least I just posted a picture of my lips on my blog!
You could check out my pics & vids on www.crashtestcomic.com, including stand-up clips & me getting into a near-brawling match with the producer of the RADIO CHICK SHOW (long story.)
Check 'em out & tell me what you think...
www.crashtestcomic.com
Rev, if I used my real picture, then I'd REALLY have a problem. The resulting traffic jam to my blog would prevent me from posting.
And your lips are very much appreciated. I already made a copy and have been practicing on a cantaloupe.
You don't stand a chance, P.
I'm sweeping this girl off her heels.
Grrrrrrrrowl.
Well Crash, if the question posed to Rev was: "Who would you rather be trapped on a tropical island with?", then yes, you would probably win. But only because of your Gilligan hat.
Yeah--somewhere on a deserted island Gilligan is waking up from under a coconut tree with a bump on his head wondering where his hat went.
I think Crashtest Comic has a good web site. I wonder if he hits it big, will he still talk to us?
Crash, I'm going to admit to attempting to get to your page. It's not working...so as of right now, you're losing points...
puerileuwaiteweowpqueirpfhnpf,
how about just a picture of your hands?
Lamby, how will we ever know the answer to that question?
Rev, I must admit that is an unusual request. You want to see if they're big, right? Next thing, you'll want to see my feet. And isn't that what this is all about? Your insatiable need to see my footware?
What if, by revealing my luxurious hands, you discover that I use way too much lotion way too frequently? Will you think less of me, as if that's even possible?
No, Rev does not want to see your feet. She has a hand fetish. I believe she collects pictures of hands.
I've been c-blocked by a pug.
I have pics on my blog too, btw.
(Of me on-satge, in disguise.)
Okay Crash, since I have dSL on the weekend, I'll take advantage of the high speed and check 'em out.
Lamby, you may be right. I don't know if I like being used that way. I'm more than just a sexy set of cuticles, you know.
I'd like to see a picture of you.
Lamby, you never know. Someday soon I may post one ;-)
How about you?
Not publicly. I did that at a forum and they teased me about it.
Those bozos. How dare they? I'd never make fun of you.
That's sweet of you to say so.
I guess this is comment 92. What can I say? I've been meaning to visit since you are a friend of my friend the fair Mayden. And you like Crash Test too. Our addiction list differs, but I understand those tricky impulses.
Lambo, you make it sound like I'm a freak! Just because I happen to enjoy the male hand/fingers doesn't make me a freak! Just because I want to lick, bit and suck on them, makes me by no means a freak! YOU HEAR ME!!!!
revree, I was just sticking up for you. But then again, no, I won't say it.
95
96
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99
100!
Congradulations! You are the 100th poster on this, the worlds most populous blog.
I wanna thank Pwerileuwaite (however that's pronounced and spelled.)
I wanna thank my mom for giving me the opportunity to poke my head out of her & rock from then on in.
Thanx
Crash
Enemy of the State, thank you for your visit. I hope you enjoyed the experience, if a blog can be called an "experience".
FM is a friend. Just please don't let her know that I said so. She'll get all excited and write a poem about me ;-)
And who said that I LIKE Crash? I've spent all day trying to think of ways to let him know that I want to see other comics. But most of them don't even own a computer, let alone know how to use one. When you're living in your car between gigs, hopping on the Internet is not a priority. So I suppose we are all stuck with him for the time being.
I like your blogger name, BTW. I hope to see you again on my blog.
Ladies, no need to fight over me! I don't think Rev is a freak (in all rooms but one, perhaps), and I'm sure that Lamby doesn't think so either. If Rev is into hands, then so be it. I'll try to keep mine clean, and be careful where I scratch. And Rev, if you're good, who knows? I may even take some provocative silhouettes of them using a projector and a white screen.
That is so fucking Hot... I don't know if I'll be able to do the late newscast now...
WHAT NEWSCAST???!!
You guys are very entertaining.
at least one of us is very drunk
Thank you Crash. I couldn't have reached 100 without you, buddy. At a time such as this, I would be remiss if I didn't reflect on your comments.
And so, in the spirit of Monty Python's "The Show So Far ... "
***
It all started at Comment ~56, where you shared a wonderful joke which revealed how Superman had inadvertantly sodomized the Invisible Man.
Comment ~57 had you thanking me and threatening that you'd be here all week.
Comment ~59 is where you explained the humerous architectural elements of the Superman joke.
In Comment ~61 you submitted a possible additional rimshot to the Superman joke, using his X-Ray vision as the vehicle.
Comment ~64 is where you employed keyboard characters to convey a thought that ultimately only you were privvy to.
Comment ~66 had you confirming to RevRee that Comment ~64 was indeed some form of growl. You then proceeded to try to lure Rev to your blog with a Mae West type of come on.
In Comment ~68, you first identified me as a rival for Rev's affections, and attempted to frighten me off.
Comment ~71 had you momentarily redirecting your energy into a Andrew Dice Clay-esque come on at RevRee.
With Comment ~74 you veered off in a new direction: shamelessly shilling for your website.
Comment ~76 reignited your sense of rivalry for Rev. You then emitted a howl that was refreshingly less cryptic than the one in Comment ~64.
Comment ~78 is where you graciously validated my Gilligan's hat joke.
Comment ~85 had you feeling insecure in the race to secure Rev's ever-fleeting attention. You then attempted one again to lure us to your website.
Comments 95 thru 99 contained their respective numbers as you helped me get to 100 comments.
Comment 100 was where you congratulated me for reaching 100 comments.
***
Crash, I may be way off on some of the Comment numbers, but I do want to thank you (and all of my other commenters) for helping to reach 100 for the very first time!
The show must go on, Rev. I'm sure that Crash has performed in adverse conditions. Perhaps EVERY time. However, as there were likely no witnesses, we may never know.
(Crash, you DO know I'm kidding, right?)
PW- My friend-
Not quite as cute as K9-
He has a funny blog-
But is it as good as mine?
I'd like to think he's cute,
And a Pug is very sweet-
Should I find it interesting,
That PW has large hands and feet?
Well- perhaps I'll never know
Exactly who PW might be...
A dog, a man, a twisted soul-
It's all the same to me!!! :)
Maybe someday we'll have lunch
And I'll find PW not a dog at all,
But I'm guessing he's over 45,
And probably not very tall...
LOL:) You know you wanted one...a poem that is! :P
smooch :)
I scored a poem. My first one, too. Sure, I've had a few disgusting limericks thrown over my fence, my this truly is different. Thank you FM! Smooches back at you.
And no, I am way younger than 45! What are you trying to do, scare off my readers! And for the record I am 6'1" and weigh 183 pounds.
111 comments and counting??!
I told you your blog traffic would explode once you added the Mighty Blog Network Seal of Excellence. You may thank me at any time.
Well you wanted lots of comments, now you have them.
Major bbq at the house today, baby.
Thank you Buckled. I'd be proud to have you on my wing as part of the Alliance of New Asscociates Logging on the Web (ANAL-Web), a multi-national group that is being launched as we speak. Mission Statement to follow.
(Oops, that was me posting the same comment twice.)
Clown, now I understand why young Skywalker turned to the dark side. Thanks!
Sure, Lamby, but with the motley group I've attracted, it's a somewhat hollow feeling ...
I'm kidding, of course.
Okay Crash, but after seeing that last pic on your site, I'm avoiding the basement.
and I'm back!!
Wow, Rev, that was one hell of a LONG newscast!
I got one hell of a hang over too...
What happened? Was it US that drove you to it?
Lets just say, I'm sore...
I read the sordid details. But why the soreness? Dare I ask?
I'll tell you after the Newscast...
Deal.
Hey, are you ever going to post again?
Yes. Once I get to 200 comments with this one.
Just kidding. Within the next day or so, I'll have a new one.
Finally we're alone!
I've harassing you on your blog, BTW. So what happened with The Illustrated Man?
Yes, I saw that...you're just jealous of Clive!
Well...this is a public forum, I can't really say what happened...
But for a price...
Why would I be jealous? Not only does he have a misshapen head (and I can only speak for the one that's visible ... lord knows how horribly misshapen the "other" one is), but his first name reminds me of something you'd put on a baked potato along with a dollop of sour cream.
And what gives? Your escapades are now pay-per-view?
Hahhaahhahaha ok, ok that was very clever!
so I had my first experience with a pierced tattooed guy... whats the big deal?
That there weren't any snags.
Thank GOD his "Monster" wasn't pierced... that would be been real awkward...
Wow! So how did you manage to get unhandcuffed?
Too bad it wasn't. You couldn't yanked it out and yelled: "GRENADE!".
Hey Pud, you're back! You're just mad because of my Steelers jokes, aren't you?
Hahahahah where do you come up with them?
His hands were hot too...
Probably because he'd been sitting on them. Did they smell funny?
He wasn't sitting on them. But, they smelled sweet, like sex and candy
Careful, Rev! He sounds like the dude who was stalking playgrounds earlier in the day. It was on the news even!
Did he carry a pair of handcuffs and have a box of cupcakes in his trunk?
Hey, you're right! Maybe it's the SAME guy. Did yours say he was into AC/DC?
Worse, Anthrax...
Well hopefully it wasn't contagious. As long as you didn't have contact, you should be okay.
I took a shower, I promise
Um, okay.
so...you owned your handcuffs long?
I just lost a pair in the woods. Funny you should ask.
I've never been handcuffed to a tree, or anything for that matter
/t. - Welcome! Come to think of it, I'm unsure if I'd pick the band over the virus.
Rev, you are not alone. There's a lot of underprivileged women out there. I can't get to all of you.
/t. - Et tu t?
Even the tortured geniuses turn on me.
/t. - No offense taken. If one doesn't have a thick skin, they won't last long with this crew! It's almost an insult when they DON'T take the time to stop and insult me.
I picked my name as a slap at my own writing (when it's my own), figuring that I should beat others to the punch.
Then I realized (and have been repeatedly reminded), just as is the case with my blog title, and some of my posts as well, that it's tediously long.
However lately I've been getting a kick out of those who make fun of it. So I do suppose in that way it's worth it after all.
Usually people shorten it, which is understandable. So feel free to use what you will. P and PW seem to be the most popular choices. PU works too, I guess.
By the way, I like your blogs. I breezed through and realized that I need to find my old pair of 3-D glasses, and my barely touched bottle of Gingko Biloba, prior to my return. Extremely creative and interesting. Disturbing, even, in some cases - which is good. Art should make one think, especially when everything else has failed (in my case, anyway).
I don't even know how to pronounce your name, puerileuwaite, much less spell it. I copied and pasted it in this thing.
I don't get it...
Okay ladies, I shall explain and then go to bed.
Puerile (pure - rile) means "childish or foolish".
Waite is just "wait" with an "e" tacked on for extra "panache".
Put the whole shebang together and you get pure-rile-u-wait.
I know it's stupid. But it's mine and I don't want to change now.
In other words, "while you wait, I write something childish/foolish".
Let the insults begin!
clever.
Not really, Lamby. But thanks!
You're welcome. It's yours and you came up with it.
Grrrrrrrrowl
PU:
I put a link to your blog on my site, so now your transormation to the Dark Side is complete!
Are you really waiting for 200 posts before you do a new post?
I'm going to try to do mine everyday just so you can conmment.
I'm not as popular as you are at this time.
Thanks /t. I shall link you as well.
Crash, I do appreciate it. Now it's just a matter of waiting for UPS to deliver the Darth Vadar costume.
Oops. I meant Vader. Whew! That was close! I would've had 20-angry messages from fellow Sci-Fi nerds on that misspelling.
No Lamby. I'm not intentionally waiting for 200. It's just that I'm getting over a wicked cold, and my work has been stacking up. So I'm going to be real busy catching up this next week. Hopefully I may even be able to post later on today; sometime tomorrow at the latest.
BTW, you never fail to crack me up. And I enjoy the mystery of not knowing how much of it is intentional.
Keep your blog going, and your audience will find you. After all, look at mine, and what my dementia has managed to attract.
I'm hoping my audience will grow. I have plans. It may not work out, but what the heck. I won't know till it happens or won't happen. I'm going with the goal I have in mind.
Oh, and take care of that cold and get better really really soon. It's no fun to be sick.
YOU'RE THE CULPRIT???? I NOW HAVE A COLD! YOU BASTARD!!! AAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh Chhhhhoooooooooooo
Grrrrrowl
So let me get this staight: the tatooed mysterious stranger gets the pleasure, and I get the blame? Why oh why must it be this way?
Staight? I can't spell for shit today.
Why oh why does it take your comment page 20 minutes to load? I'll tell you why, because you have like a million comments, it's getting out of control, puerileuwaitefhdsfjhsfdfh!
Come get high on nyquil with me, it will be fun! We'll watch old Crocodile Hunter shows!
No thanks, Rev. I'm afraid you'll sting me in the chest with your poisonous barb! Or when I finally regain consciousness, I'll have a tatoo of your icon on my butt. Homey don't play those games.
Tattoo. What is up with my spelling?
Fine! I'm going back to bed for awhile. I gotta go to work later.
Meanie
If you make 1000 comments by midnight tonight, I'll give you a million bucks!
Oh shit. I've got some serious shilling to do then.
Clown's got a million bucks in his mom's basement, or what?
Me thinks the clown robbed a bank and needs somewhere to stash the money.
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197
199...........
200!
Congradulations on being the 200th poster on the world's most populous blog.
I want to than me mum & dad & steve irwin, wherever you are!
/bark bark bark
there was a developer in florida who was into kinky sex, who was found dead hanging nekkid from a tree in a leather outfit (natch)...i guess he was one of those suffocate and c*m types. mustve run into your tree hugger...
/grrrr
I think those of us who post here should get the million dollars along with the pug.
FUCK! I missed the 200th post!
ahhhhhh chooooooo
Unbelievable! Now watch: my next post will net 3-comments tops.
Thanks everyone. Crash, you DO know what THIS means: yep, another "the comments so far". Can't do it now, though. I've gotta step away for awhile.
K9, thank you for stopping by. Who knew the woods could have such wildlife?
Lamby, Rev - thank you ladies. Rev, get well soon.
puerileuwaite said...
Unbelievable! Now watch: my next post will net 3-comments tops.
LL says: HA! I doubt that very much!
You'll get way more than three.
I'm out of nyquil...I think I took too much, the room is....getting....darker...... grandma... is that you?....
Go to sleep, Rev. Get a good night's sleep and I'll see you in the morning.
Look at me, answering psots at puerileuwaite's blog. I'm even starting to sound like him.
This is scarey.
I can't even spell posts right.
**posts**
I wonder if I'm turning into him?
He couldn't spell earlier, now its happening to me. What's going on?
The Bible says:
A little Nightquill
is good for the soul.
2nd Mel Gibson: 5:2
Little Lamb, behind every successful man there is a woman. Discouraging him from retreating to the safe haven of home by virtue of her presence there. So instead he totally immerses himself in a steady torrent of productivity and accomplishment. Not that I can be that man. But perhaps you can be that woman.
Either that, or if you continue to morph into me, you can become my stand-in at important events. This leads me to wonder: WHAT IF President Kennedy had a body-double in Dallas? WHAT IF President McKinley had a stand-in at the 1901 World's Fair? WHAT IF President Lincoln stayed home that night and sent a "sacrificial lamb" in his place?
Crash - Oh, please God, no. Please tell me that you didn't create a SECOND Mel Gibson! This would drive me mad to the max!
/bark bark bark
i like P.U. Wait. pug the rapper.
/grrr
Rev, I wasn't ignoring you, Go look at your site, sexy.
/t. - If I have to lose my "e", then you have to lose your Dali - esque moustache.
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